Cause growin' up IS hard...

"Seriously, it's not you. It's me..."

A co-worker told me I looked "very grown up" today. And she was right. I can admit that I do look quite cute and professional today. More than that, I look like a woman who shouldn't be insulted if someone guessed her age as 30. And I suppose this might all be a good thing.

Not only is growing up hard, it's weird. And I mean, It is time, I guess... I've been doing very grownup things lately, having grownup discussions, and planning a grownup life. It's liberating but then again extremely frightening. It's like, I know in the back of mind that once I give in to adulthood, accept that I'm old, that there is no going back. And I don't know how to feel about that. Part of me wishes I was back in kindergarten. Another larger part is looking at my childhood and screaming, "Good riddance!"

I know everyone is like, "26 is not old" but it kinda is. I'm still usually the youngest in the room but I'm far from being the baby. And while I love to be taken care of by the people around me, I find myself wanting or craving that treatment less and less. These days I look to my friends for conversation and motivation, the parents and guy for hugs and kisses, and the little sis- well now my main concern is to make sure I offer her the same things that were offered to me- at the least. But again, being taken care of is no longer a concern. I can take care of myself. I work my own job, pay my own bills, make my own doctor's appointments. I'm excited about marriage not because I finally have a man to make my world right, but because I'm excited to finally have a man to share my good life with. I have fantasies about cooking my guy breakfast, sending him to work with a snack, secretly replacing the cologne he left in a hotel bathroom while on business... I daydream about coming home to my parents house bearing gifts at Christmas, taking my dad out to lunch and sending my mom a bit of cash in the mail just because... I can't wait to visit my little sis at her own place after dropping the kids off at granny's so we can tire ourselves out after only 15 minutes of the Michael Jackson Experience. The thought of my dad and husband taking turns trying to teach my son how to throw a football makes my face hot and almost brings tears to my eyes. *deep sigh* Closing on our first home, snapping pics with my sis at her master's graduation, being introduced at my new job as the boss, explaining to my 3 year old daughter that she's not white, she's just light skinned, lol. These things make me smile.

And then I see myself holding my husband or him holding me during the loss of a loved one. I imagine him squeezing my hand tight while the doctor delivers some unfortunate news. I see us praying together...me storming off after a fight, him not chasing after me for a change. I see business ventures falling through, disintegrating friendships, spiritual setbacks. But I see myself handling these things.

I see life, the good and the bad, and I look forward to it all. I look forward to watching my parents grow old all I while I petition God for their immortality. I look forward to late night catch ups with the BFF, screaming matches and late night snacks with the hubby, business trips to Europe, and family vacations at the beach.

Simply, I look FORWARD. And because of this, even though I hesitate, I understand the necessity of and am finally ready to let go of the past.

Paying it forward...

Quite possibly the greatest argument for and simultaneously against friendship...EVER

This past weekend consisted of the some of the longest two days of my life. I agreed to help a friend with her little side project this weekend which actually turned out to be two 14 hour days of loading boxes and manning her natural haircare, health and fitness booth. It also turns out that my friend is apparently some famous blogger/YouTube personality who is ranked nationally as a Top 5 vlogger/blogger. I didn't know this when I met her. I just thought she was cute and wanted to be her friend, and according to her, she thought the same about me. *shrug*

Anyway, I took 3 hours of MY vacation in order to head straight from work to Houston on Friday and was not returned to my apartment until about 11 p.m. last night. And now I'm back at work. Blogging about it. *deep sigh*. I am so incredibly tired. There was no payoff for hocking products I'd never even seen let alone used until that day. There was no work pardon for helping a friend. There was only the satisfaction of knowing that I'd helped a friend in need without asking for or honestly expecting anything in return. And that is enough...really. And even though I'm exhausted and came home without so much as a free sample, I feel like I learned so much and was actually kind of inspired. This girl has SOOOOOO much going on I don't know how she manages to function! She's a tenure track professor and apparently some natural hair community celebrity. She also lost over 100 pounds five years ago and had people crying over their funnel cakes in front of our booth with stories about how she's changing lives- and all the while she still manages to be my completely down-to-earth fun new friend who calls to have dinner dates with me and never ending chats about boys, love, and life. With all the incredible chaos going on in her life, she still finds time to care about the little bit that's going on in mine.

I'm smiling now as I realize that this is one of the best illustrations of what exactly friends were created for. they make you tired, they ask ridiculous favors, the make you hold their pet poodle in your lap on two hour car rides...but then, they let you make them tired and ask ridiculous favors in return. And when you think about it, having fun being tired and ridiculous is not too bad a way to spend a big chunk of your time.

Anyway, Happy Monday. Show your friends you care by asking something impossible of them and then volunteer to do something equally impossible for them in return. They'll appreciate you for it and you'll have something to laugh at later when it all hits the fan. :-)

*singing in the rain*

I'd say he's pretty happy

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy! I just wanted to share that. Because I'm happy, and busy, I haven't had time to give any updates/stories. BUT, as soon as things settle down and my company leaves, I'm sure I'll have plenty to chit chat about. In the meantime, I hope you're having a wonderful day and most importantly, I hope you're embracing the wonderful things that life is handing you! You'd be surprised how many of us turn away our blessings. I mean, literally! Life says, "here ya go" and we say, "not today, life. Maybe in uh...6 months???" Next thing ya know, our blessing is being is being soaked up by the next man.

Not everything happens for a reason, ya know? And sometimes, things happen simply because we make them.

Terrific Tuesday!!!!!!!

Ignorance and trusting God- is it possible to have one without the other?

Pop Quiz:
This is a picture of _____
a) a serial killer caught in the act
b)a serial killer's ticket to Heaven.

Interesting conversation with a friend of mine... It was lunch time and in turning down some flan, I absentmindedly mentioned I was fasting. It wasn't meant to impress her or make her think. I didn't even mean to say it. But it was true. And I didn't think it was a big deal.

Her response: "What would your mother say if you called her and told her you were refusing to eat in order to prove your love to her?"

I stared blankly at her. I honestly didn't have an answer. When she put it that way, it sounded like a horrible expectation to place upon someone you love. Further conversation with this friend revealed that not only did she use to be a masseuse in another life but that she was also a practicing Buddhist.  More blank stares. Oddly enough though, it made sense when I thought about it. She totally seems like that type. The funny thing is though as the she and I are a lot alike. A LOT alike. Which really set my brain in overdrive.

Everybody knows I loves me some Jesus. It's no secret. But I wonder if anyone knows that part of the reason I love Him so much is because I'm terrified not to? I mean, my religion has taught me to fear God first, love Him later. It also taught me that if you don't belong to Church of God in Christ, slide across the floor in your Sunday's best, and scream sweet nothings to Heaven in Mandarin, then you are going to Hell. Also, if you ever try to learn about another faith, let alone consider it, you will not pass go but will be immediately banished to Hell. And trust me when I tell you, I can already feel the flames up to my knees due to my premarital sex, binge drinking, and dirty mouth. Don't get me started on my recent conversations and  contemplation on shacking up.

With all the creeds, stipulations, laws, restrictions, etc... it's a wonder anybody will make it to Heaven. The Bible does say that,"the righteous shall barely make it in." In then goes on to say that, "your righteousness is as filthy rags." Later it says, "none are righteous, no not one."

I'll allow you to chew on that for a minute. If you have even the least amount of comprehension skills, you'll realize that the Bible says we're all going to Hell. Unless of course you accept the fact that God impregnated a virgin in order to come to earth as a man named Jesus who then decided to let the world kill only so he could come back to life and chill for a few more days on earth before back to Heaven...And become God again?

*deep sigh*

I'm too hungry to gracefully articulate this- Is it just me or does anyone else call bullshit?

*Please note that I say this only to immediately repent out of fear of damnation.*

I LOVE JESUS! I will never deny this or Him. But sometimes...sometimes, I just don't know what I'm doing or what to think or where to go...The intellectual in me realizes that I do myself a grave disservice to not truly investigate this whole religion thing. Buddhism, Judaism, Islam- these faiths have all been around way too long to not have some- dare I say- validity?? Or at the least, shouldn't I research and understand them just to know what I don't believe???  Instead, I sit in ignorance and sell out completely to a book written -not that long ago compared to the existence of the world- by some stuffy old pedophilic gay men. This book was then forced onto my forefathers by people who considered their existence just a hair greater than that of wild animals- forefathers who then taught my father's father that God doesn't care about black people will let a lot of awful shit happen to you in this life but if you sing spirituals at 4 hour long Sunday services and follow a lot of rules and regulations of which their intentions were never fully and accurately explained to you, then He'll have gold streets and mansions waiting for you on the other side. Maybe... considering for a while we had been taught that black people had no souls and that even if they made it to Heaven, the would be on the other side of the tracks. Cause Heaven is segregated. Maybe. The Christian part of me feels like even asking these questions are blasphemy, the ultimate betrayal. I feel like I need to go up to the alter for prayer now...


Don't read too much into my race references though. They're relevant but I'm not making the why black people should rethink Christianity argument today. I'm more so reviewing the reasons why people in general jump so blindly and uniformed into one faith without considering all the options. I'm also wondering if there is a special place in Hell for people who died at their computers while Wikipediaing Siddhartha Guatama. Or blogging about questioning Jesus... As my mind trails on, I also wrestle with the absurdity found in the belief that the youth group, Agnostics for Abolishing World Hunger, who are in Africa right now feeding starving children will suffer with Hitler while the guy who shot Biggie and Pac  probably went to church the next Sunday, repented and get to spend an eternity singing Kumbaya with Michael and Gabriel.


And this my friends, is what I am pondering today- or wish I could ponder without guilt and fear crushing my chest like a 67 pound baby.

I need to understand God better. I need to know what He really wants and who He really is. I need to love Him not because I'm terrified not to, but because I know Him so well that I can't help but to love Him. I can only hope that this will be the beginning of some enlightenment. Surely God knows that the intentions of this post was not merely to entertain but to gain some sort of better understanding. Right now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, maybe ever. All that's missing is some serious QT with the man upstairs...

I'll keep ya posted!

"Baby, you're so special, you should be on the cover of the Special K box."

#winning

They say time flies when you're having fun. If that's true than time for me has gone by faster than universities can turn out pedophiles and sexual predators. Too soon? Probably. And man, do I feel good?! My weekend away was WONDERFUL. It was just...everything *said dreamily with doe eyes*. I just feel so lucky and blessed. :-). And then, Thanksgiving was wonderfully restful. I may have put on actual clothes once over my four day break. Anyway, it was so nice that I managed to make it to work today on time and without the usual taste of bitterness in my mouth. I'd call that a #win.

But honestly, I think my uplifted mood comes more from knowing that my time here is steadily and speedily coming to an end. Fortunately, the new digs will be halfway between here and home so I get to make new friends and keep my old ones AND be closer to my sweet mommy (and the pops and sis of course).

It's kind of amazing how the course of your life can change in the blink of an eye. And yes, tomorrow could overturn all our current plans. But that's ok. Because in actuality, all I ever really have is today anyway. And today I am extremely happy and excited about the future. It's full of all the things I've ever wanted and it's so close I can touch it. In a world full of sadness and disappointment, where good people die young and murderers live to be 100, it makes no sense to dwell on the unfortunate things you can not change. We're all going to die anyway, and few of us will be ready to go back with Jesus when He comes so the least we could do is try to live the short time that we have happy. *shrug* All you can do is think it over, talk about it with Jesus and pray that you really heard him say yes (or no) and forge ahead.

Anyway, it's time to get back in the groove of things. Only three working weeks this month and thanks to a special guest this coming weekend, I'm already feeling pleasantly unfocused. :-)

Happy Monday! Make it count. Be present in your life and live the hell outta it!

Took a moment to reminisce...and well, I'll let Amos do the talking for me.

Amos Lee- "Seen It All Before"

Breaking up is hard. Even when you weren't really together to begin with. Sometimes, that makes it even harder. There's no closure for something like that. You're just left with a bunch of what ifs and a bit of bitterness. I normally wouldn't share this. But I'm emotional today. I'm excited about my something new. But I think of him...and I hate it had to come to this. *deep sigh*

Such is life.

Thank God for context clues.

How many of us have them...friends.

You know, I think people really take for granted how awesome it is to find animals people that get you. I spend so much of my life feeling misunderstood and misrepresented, that when I find someone that actually interprets what I say in the way that I meant it, I latch onto them like crazy glue. And let me tell, it's not easy to understand me. Well, I think that anyway. Last night an old friend and I were chatting about the new guy. He asked me if I thought it would last. I gave him an honest answers- "Only God knows." I mean, at the moment, this guy seems to get me. I've shown myself completely and he still likes me. All of me. But still, I don't know where it's going. Although, we do have a lot of fun coming up with all the possible scenarios together.

That last detail shocked my friend. He's spent the last few years listening to my sad stories about what might not be that he seemed to be pleasantly surprised to see that I was returning to the hopeless romantic that I once was.

Kind of... You see, this old friend is one of the few people that actually gets me. In a different world, we likely would have been perfect together. But, in college he cheated on me, got a girl- who apparently couldn't stand me- pregnant, married said girl, divorced her, and then shows up 3 years later, new baby in tow, declaring that I was always The ONE and asking for a second chance. *deep sigh*. I have a bleeding heart so I forgave him, went out on date with him, and even played Barbie with the kid.

Needless to say, it didn't work out. I'd been in a long-term relationship since him and honestly, by the time he came back around I'd gotten over him. It's a weird dynamic that we have now. I do love him. I don't have to explain myself or qualify my statements when I talk to him. We NEVER fight. I can't remember a time that we ever did, actually. Even that time he cheated... BUT, I also never miss him. Or wonder what he's doing. Or have a desire to call him. But, as long as he calls me I'll always answer. And I'll always listen to whatever story he has to tell- he ALWAYS has a story.

But my point is not about him in particular, I'm just using him as an example because I talked to him last night. My point is that I have a nice little collection of people like that in my life. For whatever reason, we just clicked. I was me and they were they and together we were good. I'd say off the wall shit, and they'd totally understand. They would do things that were completely beyond my realm of understanding and we'd laugh about it. Some of these people I talk to everyday. A few are like the friend above. And one of them, I'll likely marry. No matter the dynamic, each of them have a place in my heart that could never be filled by anyone else but them. And that's special y'all.

I don't know. I consider myself a person that is hard to get to know but easy to love. And if you don't love me, it's because you really don't know me. Cause, if you knew me, you'd know that knowing me means that I really love you!!! And who doesn't love someone that really loves them?! Crazy people? You don't want to be a crazy person, do you? So, I guess this is my ode to those handful of people that really get me. Thank you, to those of you who understand that my adventures in racism are actually my fervent attempt at growth and enlightenment. Thank you to those who understand my failed attempts at transitioning to natural hair was symbolic of my attempt at gaining confidence and embracing all the aspects of me that society would have me to believe were not that great, but in actuality were AWESOME. And thank you to those same people who didn't judge me when I fell off the wagon and went back to the creamy crack. Thank you to those who know when and WHAT to ignore, and when and what to address. Thank you for never forgetting that even though I try to maintain a hard shell, it's candy thin and I'm still just a big ball of pudding inside. And a super special thank you to the ones who still think I'm cute after seeing the ugliest part of me.

I could go on. But those of you who get me don't need me to. And those of you who don't...well this wasn't for you anyway.

Happy Thursday to you. Happy Friday to me. Because, you know, today is my Friday. Because I'm off tomorrow. So, I probably won't talk to you again until next week.

So. Bye.

Or rather, TTYL.

Ok.

peace out.

Bosses should be required to take extra vacation...

Someone left "Isn't She Lovely" on my voicemail today. It's the little things y'all. Definitely needed a pick me up since I have had the increasing urge all day to strangle my boss. Of course I'd never... Then again, she better not let me catch her slippin...

It's all pretty ironic though that she unknowingly picks the week that I'm chewing on a job offer to go all postal. Lucky for her, I now have more reasons to stay than leave. Unlucky for her though, I've now got my mind set on somewhere else. And when I let my mind wander off into elaborate visions of what might one day be, I let out a deep sigh...cause nothing else even matters. I'm good. Life is good. :)

It's really quite amazing y'all. I'm fighting a bladder infection- which means no alcohol, my boss is a sociopath, and my apartment is a wreck and I'm going out of town in two days! BUT, I'm happy. I'm calm. I am pretty relaxed. Tomorrow might suck, but today...today is a great day.

And then mom said, "Have a good night at the bar, dear."

November has been pretty insane. Out of the 14 days that have passed this month, I've only been sober for about 4 of them. The D.C. trip was a giant soup bowl of boring sessions and beer- yes, I drink beer now she said proudly. And this weekend was D.C. minus the sessions and plus an endearing acoustic rendition of Baby Got Back. I'm still recovering. It's all fun and games until you lose your ability to make smart decisions. If you're luck this just means you order a spinach omelet instead of the Belgian waffle from IHOP at 2 a.m. If you're not, it could mean waking up naked in a strange bed staring at a box of unused condoms. Luckily, none of these happened to me. My waffle was great...I think. But, my point remains that things totally could have went left for me, especially this past Saturday night.

Opening myself to men outside of my race has really been a learning experience. Now, I walk into a bar and instead of automatically scanning the room for color, I now notice the white and latino faces eagerly awaiting to make eye contact with me. This has been a gift and a curse. Now it's not just the brothers I have to shoot down, but I now have to come up with nice ways to say I'm not interested but you can still buy me a drink to all the dudes, and hombres as well. *whew* It's tiring, lol. Anyway, this is totally relevant to what happened Saturday night. So I walk into this bar with about 5 other girls. Me and my new BFF Nina were the only brown girls in the crew. Anyway, instinctively I assess that there are no black guys in the bar. The old me would have just drug Nina to a comfortable spot in the corner for some downtime and girl talk. I would have just assumed that this wasn't our kind of spot and that none of the guys in there were checking for us and that was fine because I wasn't checking for them. Instead, with my new found lack of color-blindness, I immediately noticed several smiles, winks, and nervous glances sent my way. One nicely built baldie stood out in particular. Nina had her pick of the cutest guys as well. After my fifth free shot, I heard a friend say, "So did we have to bring the best looking black girls we knew?!" I was flattered- mostly because I talk a lot of shit, but honestly I have never considered myself to be one of the pretty girls. *cue the violins* But, I also caught a  glimpse of how white girls must feel when every black girl in the rooms shoots them a side eye just because a couple of cute black guys are chatting them up. While some of them may do it to get a rise out of us, if they're like me, they're just engaging and having some fun. Anyway, I digress... let's continue.

So, me and Nina are at the bar taking shots and talking shit when our group decides it's time to go. We gladly get up to leave when Stone Cold Steve Austin decides he's not ready for me to leave. He grabs me around my waist, pulls me to him and tells my friend that I'm a grown ass woman and I don't have to go anywhere until I'm ready. So, I spin around, tell him he's a stranger and that I'm leaving. It's then that he pulls his wallet out of MY pocket and tells me since when do I keep stranger's wallets in my pocket. Apparently, he'd put it in their earlier to prove to me that he was trustworthy...if that makes any sense.

Anyway, the night ended with my friend slapping him after he tried to put his hands down MY pants... *deep sigh*

And for this reason, I say parents should really encourage their kids to drink in college. I didn't drink in college. If I had, I would have already had this and other embarrassing alcohol related experiences and been better prepared. I would have already learned to beware of men in Ed Hardy tees bearing shots. This also wouldn't have happened that night if I still had a ban on white men. So to Enlightenment I say, um, thank you?? But instead, as a 26 year old professional, I was involved in a situation in which the bartender had to threaten to takeout her bat.

...And all I could think the next night when I was finally sober was damn, I'm too old for this shit.

Minus the minor sexual assault and hangover, I had a freakin' blast!

Happy Monday. And if this isn't a "growin' up is hard" story, I don't know what is...

XOXO

Easy come, easy go...

Yay! Just what I wanted...

Hi guys. I think my need for this blog is coming to end- well this blog in particular anyway. A lot of things have changed in my life and my writing is sure to reflect it. And, well...what I have to say just really isn't suited for a place called "Cause growin' up is hard..." anymore. That's not to say my life has suddenly become perfect- it hasn't. But I'm different. Things are different. My reactions are different. And right now, even though I'm completely exhausted from my D.C. trip and extremely conflicted about the job offer I just received 4 months after I applied, I am incredibly happy. I got a ticket on the way back from Houston. It was at night, I'd just gotten off a 3.5 hour plane ride with the dreaded middle seat, and I'm pretty sure I was talking to God the whole way home. I'd seen the blue lights behind me about 5 minutes prior to actually pulling over. I thought it was an ambulance so I slowed down and changed lanes. Then I thought- damn, this ambulance could have passed me already! Then it finally dawned on me. "Oh...shit."

Everybody knows getting a ticket can fuck up your entire night, week, and even month if they catch during that "if-I-can-just-make-it-to-pay-day" period. I wish I could give you the extreme play-by-play which would surely entertain you, but I can't. Five minutes after pulling back onto the highway, I got a phone call and heard a voice that pulled me right back to my happy place and managed to keep me there even after getting home and reading the guide that told me my ticket would cost me $224. Now if you know me and how I feel about money, I'm sure you want to give the person that accomplished that a prize right now. Lucky for you, he thinks the prize is me. So you're off the hook ;-).

I feel...something. I know what it is. I just can't say it yet. But soon...

Oh well, here's to another Friday post. You'll hear from me again. November is just super crazy for me, but in a good way. As soon as I get back to myself, we'll chat again. I won't quit you. I'm just evolving...but I promise to take you with me. :)

"I got one question for ya. Is you happy?" - T.I. King of the South

Me too, girl in green dress. Me too...

I'm so happy. I wish I had more time to tell you all about what's got me feeling this way. But I kinda don't, lol. My calendar is so incredibly full for the month of November- I'm out of state 3 weekends in a row and still adding crap. But I'm happy. For the first time, I'm not stalking job sites in other cities and states (...well one, lol. But that's another story for another day (-; ). I'm good where I'm at. Life has sped up to a comfortably exciting pace and a new adventure has me feeling...things I've never felt before- more peace and calm than I ever thought I'd have.

Trust me, the irony of this type of post on this blog has not missed me. But fortunately for your entertainment, this is real life and real life is not perfect. So, I'm sure I'll have some dramatic tale about something dramatically annoying for you shortly. But, I'm no rush for that. Instead, right now I'm going to throw myself headfirst into the joy that I'm feeling. Soak up every ounce of happiness. *deep sigh* Life is short. Too short to wait for happiness that's readily available to you today.

Happy Friday! Whatever makes you happy, go do it. Whoever makes you happy, go do them. hehehe, I'm so naughty. :)

XOXO

Well, hello there.

Ok, so this cute baby MIGHT be the only person in the world having a better week than me. And that's cool :).

I know, I know. It would be me to wait til the 11th hour on a Friday to finally write something. The truth is, I really have been working on the same a post all week. I just kept getting distracting and then I would read over it and realize it just wasn't really saying what I wanted. So, to just sum things up, I'll say that I had a really, really, really great week. Some pretty nice things are developing in my life right now. I'm not sure of the purpose- could be a temporary reminder to keep hope alive, or it could be the beginning of a lifetime. All I know for sure is that, today, it's like a comforting breath of fresh air. And for the time being, I choose to simply inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale...

I have a huge smile on my face. Wonderful things will do that to you. This weekend is going to be amazing. At some point, I promise to tell you all about it. It's definitely something worth sharing.

So, here's to you having as awesome of a weekend as I'm going to have.

XOXO

Andddd, it begins...

Even at such a young age, little Rainbow Brite  knows that this will end badly.

I just met this really pretty, new, young faculty member. She's writing a grant and looking for a new friend. She apparently thinks I can assist her in both. She's coming to the church I attend on Sunday, and she wants to plan a sushi date. She's also a dinosaur (see my post on my BFF's wedding). While part of me knows I should be excited at the thought of a new young friend, all the parts of me that control my actions are terrified. I mean she's pretty, afro-centric, full of energy, and extremely successful- I'm pretty sure she's only a year or two older than me and she's already a PhD'd faculty member and professional blogger with over 50,000 followers. And she wants to go have sushi with me...? Clearly something has to be wrong with her. But then again, she doesn't know me yet. As much as she is everything I've been waiting for, I'm terrified of her. I wish I hadn't been so friendly when she came by my office today. I hate that I even mentioned my church- though she asked. More importantly, I hate that I agreed to share cells. That implies communication will commence. And in order to be friendly, I must continue and encourage that communication.

Back to reality...and it bites...

I wanted to write a more in-depth post... You see, I just got back from a 5 day conference in Austin which was definitely more play than work. All I can say is that Austin is kick-ass. The city, the people, the vibe, the air... If the United States was more like Austin, the world would be a better place. I even made a new bff. I can honestly say that my it was definitely the most fun I've had in Texas...possibly the most fun- period.

I'll go back to my regular schedule tomorrow. I have many stories of fun, drunkeness, being trapped in a car AND adjoining hotel suites with my crazy ass boss, and fooling an entire bar into believing that I was David Banner's cousin just because I still have a Mississippi DL.

Good times...

And then, I thought better of it...

I was about to write a shitty post about how the world is shitty. And then, I took a deep breath and realized that at this moment, everything is just fine. I'm in my office, staring out of a giant window, sipping on half-cut tea, and anticipating the awesome travel I have lined up between now and Thanksgiving. My parents are well, my sister is enjoying her life, and I have a new crush ;-). My friends are great too! And no matter what tomorrow holds for these things, right now at this moment, it's all good. And I thank God for that.

Happy Friday!
AG

The Bible says that God has not given us the spirit of fear...so why am I always scared as hell?

item # 12 on my bucket list

I've been pretty pissy with my doctor lately. But I realized that her being any nicer or patient with me wasn't going to undo the damage that had been done. It's kinda one of those crying over spilled milk situations, I guess. Anyway, that is just one of the many situations I've been chewing on lately. In my quest to become a better me, I've been trying my best to observe my thoughts and figure out why I feel a particular way. In analyzing all these things, I've realized that over the course of my life, fear has been either my biggest motivation or deterrence for doing or not doing a thing.

This sucks. For several reasons- the main being that being afraid of life is a crappy way of living and all you do is fast forward through the best times while anticipating the manifestation of the worst case scenario. And then, you look back on it all and realize you were dead before you even died. So how do I combat this? I don't know. Maybe I should take the advice of Paul the alien and accept the fact that sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. I mean, life is all about chance and circumstance, right? My mom keeps telling me that I've gotta take a chance on myself. That means more and more to me each day.

You know, a basic truth about me is that I've always tried to do the right thing. Of course, the road to hell really is paved with good intentions but I've never been a malicious person. Even on my worst days, I still care. And when I think about that, I try not to martyr myself but I do sometimes look up to heaven and say, "Really God? Was that really necessary?"

I 'm losing the focus of this post. It's more so just an excerpt of my train of thought right now in coping with life and figuring out how to move forward. How to not avoid dating because I'm terrified of having a tough conversation. How to quit sabotaging myself at work because I'm afraid I might really succeed at my goal. How to avoid moving back home even though I feel like an awful daughter for not living closer to my parents. I worry about all these things. I fear failure, success, love and rejection. I fear wealth and poverty; racism and true integration. 

This is so unhealthy. I could go deeper. Explain the method to the madness of my purposely being average in order to avoid the pressures of greatness... I'm just too mentally exhausted for that. If I could find a place to rest, then I could take on the world and be amazing. I could do that because I'd know that at the end of a day's battle, Rest was waiting for me at home. But alas, Rest is not. It continues to evade me.

*random thoughts*

I am so incredibly bored at my job that I think I just might slam my head into my computer monitor.

I'm gonna let the song cry.

Sometimes, music is the best way to express yourself. Today is one of those days. So I'm gonna let this video do most of the talking for me. It's totally and completely what I'm feeling at this very moment. The only flaw is that, unlike Erykah's baggage, mine is some that I can't let go. Even worse, I can't shake the feeling that this particular bag is one that I shall have to carry alone. And well, unfortunately, I haven't found a song for that just yet...

Around and around we go...

I woke up this morning with my head in the clouds. Literally. Like, I don't know what's in this East Texas soil but whatever it's producing gives me the worst allergies EVER. I feel like my eyeballs are wearing sweaters and there are tiny ants running laps in my nose. But oh well. What else did I expect from a Monday? They always kinda suck.

On the bright side, I decided to squeeze every perk that I could out of my job and went ahead and booked a flight to D.C. Our national conference is coming up and I'm sharing a suite with some old friends. It will be good for me. Drinks, girl talk, abusing my employer's dollar...good times. One of these friends is once again recruiting me to come to Duke. If it were a year ago and the right price, I'd be there. Now, I'm feeling the need to settle and I just don't think NC is the place for me to do that...for various reasons. The mature person in me realizes that it's best to just stay put until I figure things out :-/. The kid in me says, "WHERE DO I SIGN?!?! BALLS TO THE WALLS, BITCHESSSS!"

Hmmm... This is all for today.

Happy Monday!

Why won't you let me be great?!

C'mon, He didn't really think he was Jesus...

Have you ever had something that just nagged at you? Like you're just about to break through that glass ceiling and then discrimination yanks down on your coattails?  Let me take it down a notch. Ever found the most bangin-est dress for the most bangin-est party ever only to realize you're missing one half of your most bangin-est pair of pumps? All you have left is some dusty mary janes and a rusty pair of penny loafers. Now your whole fit is fucked up. #SMH

I swear man, for me, I feel like it's always something. Lurking around my every corner, Mr. Screwyouover is stalking my every move. I just cooked a bomb ass dinner for my boo? I'm out of wine, It's Sunday, and the liquor store is closed and Walmart is hella far. Got that fresh do and that new fit (That's freshly done hair and a new outfit for my fair skinned friends (-: )? It's East Texas and ain't shit to do and nobody to see. #FAIL

It's September and that sexiness you call a crush suggests a spur-of-the-moment weekend road trip to Destin? It's the end of the month, your checking account is no longer recognizing values over $100 and you just used your credit car to buy a new set of tires. #FUUUCCCCCKKKKKK

Wait. I have more...

It's May. You're a 6th year senior. You've finished all your classes. You turned in your last paper. Some student worker mistakenly let you order your cap and gown. Mistakenly? Yeah, buddy. You have a humongASS hold on your account AND you're actually 2 credits shy. They're gonna let you walk but you feel like a douche because you have to come right back in July- because they don't offer the class you need in June. That job you got called back for? It has to be filled by the second week of June and you no longer qualify. #wouldyoulikefrieswiththat

And another.

You kiss a bunch of frogs and catch a few crabs only to finally find your prince out in the middle of the desert while volunteering for Teachers Without Borders. Catch? You find out at the family reunion that he's your 3rd cousin. #Ihopeyouatleastwrappeditup

My point? Sometimes Life is a hater. And right now, Life is hating on me hard. Just when I finally get it together too! I mean, I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and genuinely like what I see. My laughs are hearty. My love is sincere. I feel good. And of course, Life knew this was coming and decided to throw some shade that I feel like I'll never be able to shake. *deep sigh*

I know there is no perfect. I don't pray for a perfect life. I understand that we take the good with the bad. We accept our faults. We allow ourselves to be human. And most days, I'm good with this. But, today was one of those days where I woke up this morning, thought about my situation, and all I could say was, "Damn."

What are you waiting for???

I have three posts sitting in the queue right now. They consist of battle cries, lamentations, and conspiracy theories. But you know what? Just reading through them made me so completely tired. And I'm so tired of being tired. You would be tired too if you carried a chip the size of Montana on your shoulder. I've been screaming at life about how unfair and loathsome it is to no avail. It remains silent. Time keeps ticking. I keep aging. And then I remembered...life doesn't owe me anything. It's made no promises. It has no obligations. I'm just lucky to simply have it. Now that doesn't mean that I just accept it for what it is, be grateful for my lot, and just continue being mediocre. It just means that I have to recognize that my life is happening right NOW. This is it. Literally. This is what life is. I can seize every opportunity, fill each moment with productivity; or I can quit my job, go lay in a field, and dream the rest of it away. No matter what I do, it will be a choice. My choice. Yes, things will happen to me. But I will choose how to respond.

For example- I could get off of work this afternoon, go home, and pile up on my couch in front of the TV... watch The Daily Show, the Colbert Report, a couple episodes of Law & Order SVU and then snap back to life in order to continue sitting on the couch and watch Grey's Anatomy. Or, I can enjoy this near perfect weather and go take a walk and enjoy the breeze. After a nice long shower and a light dinner, Grey's Anatomy will be far more enjoyable...and so will my life.

Here's to the start of what I hope will be a long and wondrous adventure in enjoying my life.

XOXO

Talks with Jesus...

Lord,

All I ask is that you just give me the chance to learn that money is not the key to my happiness.  I mean, I can never truly understand rich people problems unless I become a rich person. And well, you did say that "in all your getting, get understanding." So, I think what I'm getting to is that it seems like it's in your will that I be rich. So, um, thanks in advance. My checking account will be waiting....

XOXO,
AG :)

Why make my life easier when I'm so good at making it hard?

Here's hoping to avoid a repeat of 2001...

So, I'm finally getting a Texas license. :( . After being here almost 2 years, I'm finally getting one for what I hoped would be my last 6 months in this wretched State. Seriously? Wanna know what's even better? I now have to take the written driver's test since I let my current DL expire. Did you know that if I had of just gotten a TX DL in the first place, they would have just let me switch the darn thing over? Period. Now I have to wait for my mom to fax me my birth certificate, schedule a testing time, and possibly brush up on my knowledge of Texas roads- cause trust me, there ain't nothing more crazy than Texas law!

Anyway, I could blame Texas. I could blame my BFF's wedding since I was supposed to get it renewed that same weekend but due to lack of sleep and constant activity it totally slipped my mind. I could blame gas and distance since it's too far for me to just drive home and get it renewed. I could also blame the cops for possibly wanting to check the damn thing between now and Christmas.

But I would be wrong. By all counts. The fault is mine and mine alone.

*deep sigh* Oh well. Maybe I can get my co-worker's 17 year old daughter to tutor me.

Sh*t Happens...

A scary thing happened today. A faculty member called me with a crisis and I didn't blink. Either I no longer care about my job. Or I no longer care. Period. But to be honest, I felt good about this reaction. Most times, I'm pretty mellow but easily riled by certain triggers. The situation said faculty member called me with is easily a trigger that would make me dive into my purse for a Xanax. But not today. I sat in silence as she accused me of a mistake. Then I waited patiently for her to calm down and ask me for assistance. I did not offer explanation. I did not try to make excuses or defend myself for something that actually was a bit of her fault. I just said, "Ok." I'm sure she is pissed. Which is a shame. I liked her. Oh well. I like this new attitude. Some things are worth having a cow over. Most things are not. At one point I thought my job was going to kill me. And then I decided that at 26 and making what I make, I'm not at the point yet where my job should be my life. I'm also not at the point where I should take it so seriously. And honestly, no matter what age I am, and no matter how much I make, I think I'll always feel that way. And that is alright with me.

Happy Monday.

Hello old friend...catch up on old times, shall we?

Always a good time...

I've been a bit neglectful to my little pet project here. And it isn't for lack of desire or even inspiration for that matter. I've just been so busy and tired from work that I can barely make it home each day before passing out at as soon as I get in the door. In a way, I've brought this on myself. We really need to hire a new person. But, I was spoiled by the uber-mellow energy of our old person so much that I've picketed against EVERY SINGLE PERSON that we've brought in- including the chick that decided she wanted to take a personal liking to me.

*Shrug*

Point is, I can only blame myself for the endless and constantly growing stack of work in front of me...and beside me on the floor...and behind me on my old roomy's desk. *deep sigh*

Anyway, it's time like these that I almost find myself thanking God that I'm not married. Not that I wouldn't love the company. In a perfect world, I'd go home this evening, pop open a bottle of wine and have drunken sex with my husband, then wake up the next morning refreshed, starving, and wondering how my bra ended up in the freezer. But since the world is not perfect, it's likely that if I were married right now, I'd have a baby. And, well...you can't have drunken sex with your husband when there's a baby in the corner needing changing and a bottle. So yeah. I'll take this over that...for now...

I digress.

Actually, I've totally forgotten what the point of this post was supposed to be. And I'm too lazy to even read back through it to see if there was even a point to be made.

Oh well. I hope you enjoyed your week. If yours was anything like mine, I hope you spend your weekend doing nothing at all.

XOXO

Another weekday... What are ya gonna do? *shrug*

Not an item on my to-do list...

I was depressed this morning until I overheard a 35+ year old business woman say that she had no effing clue what she was doing with her life. I just shrugged and said, "Wow. Thanks."

There's not much else to say about that. I really don't want to be at work today. I wore my new leopard loafers to work today, thinking they would cheer me up. This would have been a perfect solution if I were paid to sit and stair at my feet all day. I am not.

So instead I tracked down the kick ass song playing in the background of this new commercial I saw the other day. I've decided to spend the rest of the day rocking out at my desk to The Gossip's Heavy Cross.

Things are starting to look up. :)

Congrats! Where's the champagne?!

This is a special announcement. My friend from down the hall just walked in to tell me she'd gotten married. Like literally. On her lunch break. Today. Even better? Today is also her birthday. Better than that? The ring can be best be describe as almost identical to the one worn by Princess Di and now, Princess Kate, AND it so happens to be her birthstone. AND it was her grandmother's. ANDDDDDD it was already vintage when her grandmother wore it.

*deep sigh* A good *deep sigh*! I really am super happy for her. For the first time in almost ever, I was truly happy after hearing some wedding news and didn't for a moment feel jealous or resentful. She's a beautiful girl, with a beautiful ring, and most importantly, a beautiful family. :) Congrats Alison!!!

The Dilemma

A gift...and a curse.

So, my AC went out the other day. I had to sleep downstairs since it's usually the coolest- which thoroughly freaked me out because I've always believed that the freaks goblins, ghouls, and lizards come out at night and roam around downstairs while I'm hiding sleeping peacefully upstairs in my room. Anyway, the AC guy promised to fix it ASAP. And he did. Imagine my surprise when I got home yesterday to find a new fancy smancy digital thermostat mounted on my wall. I was all like whaaaattttt, ballin! I even took a picture and sent it to my friends. You see, my parents don't even have a digital thermostat. Neither does my job. I've only seen them in hotels and I've always thought they were pretty awesome. Besides, anyone who knows me knows that the temperature is always a tense subject with me.

Grandpa's dead...Who's turn is it to deal?

Taken after one of the many Kennedy family funerals...

Bad news travels fast. Got some last night. Then I got a call from my moms this morning. I could hear it in her voice... But then I thought about the Jacqueline Kennedy story I watched last night. She made a comment about the Kennedy family that more or less said- whenever bad things happen to the Kennedys, they go out to dinner or play football. That really stood out to me. Just that whole attitude of forging ahead and latching on to some joy instead of drowning in sorrow mystifies me. When bad things happen in my family, we all tend to get very dramatic, dive inward, and cry until our faces fall off. Just because it was normal for us, doesn't mean it was healthy.

Break-ups to Make-ups...

She just got done talking to Jesus.

I've been giving Jesus a hard time lately. It's only because we've been having a bit of a spat the past few years...Well, I've been having a spat with Him. Jesus doesn't respond well to threats. Or the silent treatment. And that's probably the one thing I hate about Him. Like most of my ex-boyfriends, He can just be as cold as ice sometimes! I cry and He says nothing. I get mad at Him cause I'm Single in the Sticks<<light bulb>> and He goes and makes Beyonce pregnant. I'm all like, damn homie! SMH...

When did we get so old?

One of his many failed attempts to regain childhood...

Seriously, what happened? One minute I was making Barbie and Ken hunch in the back of their pink corvette and the next thing I know, I'm pulling credit scores and having doctors test my ovaries. Student workers call me Ms. Ashley and I'm UPSing baby shower gifts to friends- not to mention the bazillion wedding announcements I get each month *eyesrollingoutofmyheadontothefloor*! One kid even told a friend of mine that he was looking for a cougar and then asked for my number. SERIOUSLY?! I'm surrounded by saggy pants idiots whose cat calls have been adjusted for me to include such phrases as, "women are like wine, they just get better with age," and my personal favorite, "I'm just a student of love looking for a teacher with some amazing brain." *________DEAD_______* Pretty soon I'm going to start to think that waiters are hitting on me when they ask me for my ID.

Did I mention that a saleswoman at a Clinique counter offered me eye cream for my impending crow's feet?

I'm so afraid of the morning that I wake up and realize that my good years are all behind me, wasted on chasing dreams and holding onto things that don't actually exist. My elders think I'm insane when I say this. They say things like, "I don't even remember my 20s!" I think, of course you don't, you're like 40 old.  I remember when I couldn't wait to be this age. Of course I thought that I'd be- well you know what I thought. But still, I thought I'd either be that or I'd be sprawled out on the beach in Brazil, traveling and seeing the world. Instead I'm in East Texas balancing budgets, scheduling dental appointments, and working weekends. Where's my Xanax? What's worse is that there really doesn't seem to be any relief in sight.

Oh well. Maybe I do have options. If Beysus can get pregnant at 30, so can I. Right? I could always go back to grad school full-time...maybe join a student exchange program- except that the thought of going back to school literally makes me throw up in my mouth. If it weren't for my pride and the need for my own income, I'd just quit my job, move back home, and ask for a mulligan on this whole adult thing...                                                                                                  

Time for a new song and dance...

True to the nature of my inner cat lady, I spent much of the weekend vegging and watching Lifetime movies. My favorite was Sundays at Tiffany's. It's a pretty decent dramatization of a book that I actually own but never finished- mainly because it's one of those so absurdly and sickeningly sweet fairy tale like stories that actually reading the happily ever after moment will make you hate your life even more than you did when you started it.

Things I do when I don't feel like working but still need to LOOK like I'm working... #153

#153
Sometimes I get up abruptly from my desk, announce that I've needed to go to the bathroom for the past 20 minutes, and then go troll the first floor hallway looking for cute male faculty to ask them for directions to lecture halls in other buildings that don't actually exist.

PRINCEiples of Life

This guy..

My mom sent me the lyrics to Purple Rain this morning. She usually sends me scriptures or other encouraging words. But this morning, for whatever reason, she thought it was necessary to send me some immortal words of the Purple One.

Close but no cigar... *and a brief intervention, of sorts, with Self*

dramatization of an actual occurrence in my life.

So I'm not bipolar. I do however suffer from a mild case of anxiety disorder- but apparently they are very common but go mis/undiagnosed. On the upside, according to my doctor, they are common among smart and creative people. #mentalillnessforthewin. I'm joking, I'm joking!!! Seriously, I am. It's actually not even mental but rather physiological. So it is kind of a chemical imbalance but one that just simply taking care of myself can counteract. My boss who suffers from this explained this to me yesterday. A former and trusted doctor of mine confirmed this for me this morning. I was given a laundry list of recommendations but the most significant thing is one I came up with on my own.

HIGHS -N- lows...

Fresh off of what should have been a fun and relaxing holiday getaway, I feel worse than ever. I returned last night only to find myself in tears. From what? I'm not exactly sure. I feel lonely, taken advantage of, complacent, confused, manipulated, and for lack of a better term, worthless. I all of a sudden find myself worried about EVERYTHING. While some of my fears are rational, many are not. I got to work at 10:30 today because this morning when I woke up, I didn't feel like going to work. That is totally normal. What's not normal though is consistently making the decision not to with no worry of the consequences. I know that I'm not depressed, because there are days when I feel like the princess of the world and for no other reason than the fact that I just woke up and felt really great. When I'm up, I'm in the sky. When I'm down...I can't articulate how it feels to be down. I'm already aware that I have some form of an anxiety disorder but because black people don't really "do that crazy stuff", I'm quite sure it hasn't been explored like it should have been. Actually, I really think I might have a bipolar disorder. I don't throw this term out loosely. Clearly, I can be a very dramatic person but there are some things that I consider off limits. Chemical imbalances, psychiatric disorders, whatever you want to call them- they are very real and band-aids and cookies don't fix them. And apparently, prayer and hour long conversations with mommy don't fix them either.

Oh well, the first step is admitting there is a problem...

A Rare Moment

Happiness...
It's relative.

I haven't posted in a while- mainly because I haven't had anything to say, relative to this blog anyway. For the first time in a long time, I don't really have anything to  complain about. Sure there are things that could be better. I still haven't gotten my wisdom teeth pulled and I'm super paranoid about my gums. I've got a case of baby-fever which doesn't seem to translate too well to concerned mothers sharing a small aisle with me in the grocery store with no husband in sight, and no matter what I do, Beyonce will still beat me having the best week ever. But for once, those are not really complaints. They are more so neutral observations. And I'm okay with them.

I woke up this morning and didn't immediately think, God I've gotta get out of this place. I no longer think all men suck just because I can't get the hot ones to commit. I also no longer think the hot ones are douches just because they won't. I don't hate my job. I just dislike it exponentially. My family and friends are well, and as far as I know, I am too. Lately, my answer to the woes of the world have pretty much just been a deep sigh and shrug. And I'm not even on Xanax. I call that a WIN. Right?

Did I mention I'm finally going to the beach? It's a gulf beach. And there will probably be more rocks than sand. But, it's still a beach. And there will definitely be water and some sand. I'm dare I say happy about that- which brings me to the best part of this moment. It's Friday AND Labor Day weekend. Three day weekend, poor man's beach, even poorer man's mixed drinks, and some quality time with one of my more um, "challenged", BFF's- all for a cost that won't break my bank. I'm going to redefine society's standards to fit my current situation and just go ahead and call all of this The Good Life, Dolce Vita, Click-click-smack-pop-cluck <<that's African I'm lying.


Happy Friday! And remember, whatever you're doing this weekend, make it the new definition of living THAT life and enjoy!

*PSA*

I totally want to be hate her.

I can't even lie. I think Beyonce being preggo is pretty freakin' amazing. She's pretty much going to be the most fabulous pregnant chick ever. And considering Halle Berry and J.Lo AND Jessica Alba have all popped out some kids, that's saying a lot. All Hail Queen Beysus, lol! JK! But not really...

A "Prodigal" experience

Yeah, He created it...But He didn't intend for it to solve ALL of our problems...

Sooooooo, this weekend was muy muy interesante... I told you in my previous post that I was out on a ledge. Well, this weekend after a sort of major/minor blowup with my mom, a baby shower invitation, and just a bad case of the imtwentysixwhatamidoingwithmylife, I was pretty much head first out the window watching the ground run to meet my face. Every now and then I'd start a thought with, oh Lord, and then I'd remember that I was no longer speaking to Jesus. I even went to the bar...alone. It wasn't so bad actually except that this is East Texas so instead of getting to drown my sorrows in my cucumber martini with the rest of the lowly drunks, I had to watch some random game with a band of raging lunatics that some people might refer to as children. Cause for some reason, parents here think it's entertaining to request seating for them and their kids at the bar.

Sinners in the hands of an angry God

Hello...God? Can you hear me now?

I really didn't want to write a post today- or even this week for that matter. I've been feeling some type of way and just didn't even want to allow those feelings to manifest on the screen. But, the whole point of this blog is supposed to be an experiment in consistency and honesty so...

The Curse of the "What I should have said" moment.

A scene straight out of my adolescents if a was a 20-something black male in LA

I always admired the people in school who were never short of a witty comeback or snappy one liner.While I've always been clever, I've never been too quick on the draw. It always seemed to take a second too long for my brain to connect with my lips and when it did the delivery was too weak to make an impact. It was ok though- I wouldn't have called myself a cool kid but I did have the cool friends so somehow I managed to always find myself in an inner-circle. This ultimately was not for my good though. Instead of embracing my inner oddities and quirks, I constantly molded myself to the expectation du jour. Consequently, I find myself just beginning to know myself at the ripe old age of 26. Anyway, the point is that because of my affirmative action status in the circle, nobody expected the sharp and sassy from me. And when they got, it served as some humorous entertainment for them.

A spoonful of crow...

So, I have to take back my birthday lament- well partially. My 26th turned out to be pretty awesome. My office cake was only the beginning of many celebrations over the course of the weekend including my last official birthday lunch on yesterday! To my pleasant surprise I got many thoughtful gifts, wishes, and blessings-some from people I was even more surprised to get them from, all because they decided I was special. *awwwwwww* More importantly, I got to spend some time with my sweet family eating, shopping, playing cards, and just lounging around. Then my bff and her cousins decided to buy me a round for each year. If rounds were years, I only made it to age 3! Ha! All in all, it was pretty great- the best in a while.

Now that I'm on the other side of 25 and face forward to 30, I can say I don't feel much different other than feeling more aware. And that's a good thing, a very good thing. So, to the 25 years young me I say, here's looking at you kid. To 26 and beyond? I say, hopefully this shall be the beginning of a beautiful friendship :)

"Do you not think so far ahead? 'Cause I've been thinking bout forever..." Frank Ocean

It's just one of those nights. I'm gonna let Frank Ocean handle this for me...

Lyrics after the jump...

Better than expected...

My actual corner office with a view...

I went to sleep last night kind of heavy. I seem to have a million things on my plate that I don't quite know what to do with. The deadline I've put on my move is fast approaching and I have no leads- as a matter of fact, I'm not even in a mental space to move yet even if I had a new job waiting. What I really need is a vacation. I need an escape from hearing squeaking brakes only two weeks after fixing an alignment which happened just a couple months after replacing the starter. I want to spend $200 on something other than cavity fillings and consultations. I want to not go broke trying to not go broke! *deep sigh* So yes, I went to bed a bit heavy worried about the things I could not change, can not fix, can't foresee...

Then I woke up. And it wasn't so bad. The sun was shining. It was a little less hot. My bang swooped in just the right way and my favorite black tee was folded in my drawer, not balled up in the bottom of the dirty clothes bin. I'm still forced to stare at the GAP everyday, but what a magnificent GAP it is.

After the Love is Gone

"Something happened along the way" that made this moment absolutely necessary

Our office conducted it's first interview today to replace my old roomie. As I sat and listened to the overenthusiastic candidate go on and on about the joys of pushing paper over the faint musical stylings of Earth Wind and Fire streaming from my speakers, and I after I called bullshit on about 14 of her 16 answers, I realized that the time to make amends with my current profession had come and gone.

Sippin' on Haterade...

My friend and her mountainous landscape can kiss my ...

A friend of mine just emailed me "Finally WIFI! Sitting at the base of Mont Blanc in Chamonix France eating crepes..." I wanted to fire back a you-suck-at-life response. But I didn't. I just looked up past my computer screen and out to the Giant Ass Pine Tree. *deep sigh* Generally I would hate, but I refrained. I reminded myself that some people would love to reside on the Upper East Side of this sprawling desert that is Texas. Complete with pine trees, lizards, and 100+ degree summers... Who wouldn't want to be here?

The Kid and the Case of the Quarter-Life Crisis

Meet The Kid>>>>

How employers trust ^this^ person with professional responsibilities is
definitely a question that should keep you up at night.

*For the sole purpose of my own satisfaction, I will be referring to myself as "The Kid" from now on...until I get bored with that and come up with a new name for myself.*