Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Because I was thinking...

I haven't been here in a very long while.  And I didn't plan on coming here today at all... But, I left my devotional journal at home and FB is not really my first choice for confession, so, well... here I am.

Hi.

Fact of the day: I have no idea what my "calling" is.  Meanwhile, I see so many of my friends fully becoming who they were created to be.  Some have natural abilities like singing, songwriting, art...  Some are incredible athletes.  Some of them with their exuberant and assertive personalities (along with killer looks), coupled with law degrees and PhDs are certain to be future political leaders of America.

And then there's me.  I have no notable talents.  I can hold a note, but I'm no soloist.  I was a high school cheerleader but Mississippi doesn't have a professional sport's team and I don't think I'd make the Dallas Cowboy's cheerleader cut.  I am introverted and easily exhausted by interactions with others.  I won't scare small children in the morning, but I'm no model. I am passionate yet impatient, loving yet fickle.  I am led almost exclusively by my emotions, much to my detriment.

But, BUT, thank God there is a BUT.  I am generous. I am genuine.  I am thoughtful- in that I am a deep thinker.  I am tolerant in the most unexpected circumstances.  I am patient with the most undeserving.  My life is held together by God's grace alone.  I am honest, painfully so, in my self reflection.  I am unnervingly transparent.

I am me. And with every passing moment of reflection and revelation, I become more me.  And because I believe that life is a conscious, on-purpose, act of God, I know that He is using me. Somehow, someway, I am making a difference.  I don't know how. I don't know when. But every breath that I breathe is confirmation that I have either accomplished or am on my way to accomplishing some unique and necessary task that He assigned specifically to me.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

...And now, I'm ready to be a mother.



My best friend in the whole world is pregnant, y'all! I got the call this morning- she said, "Guess who's gonna be an auntie!" I immediately asked her who her little brother had gotten pregnant?! Apparently, her dad asked the same thing! But it was her! And I'm going to be an auntie! And guess what? I'm going to be the best auntie in the whole world (until my actual sister has a kid- then I'll be the greatest auntie in the universe!)!  I was truly overjoyed- I don't remember the last time I cried tears of pure happiness.  Something else I felt though, was love.  Not love for my friend- I mean I adore her, of course- but the love I felt was for her unborn child.  Never before had I felt anything like it, but I feel in love with that little person the moment my mind wrapped around its existence.  I pray above all that she has a healthy baby, but I have to be honest, I do hope it's a little girl-  A fat little ball of chocolate with bushy hair that I can shower with love, affection, kisses, and hugs! I can not wait to meet this kid- you guys have no idea! But as my title says, it wasn't until this moment that I honestly, and truly wanted to be a mother. No longer scared, no longer fearful...I can't wait for the moment that I can call my closest family and friends, giddy and full of excitement, to say "Guess who's having a BABY!!!!"

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I can't control my emotions...and I love it.

I know, I've been gone for some time now... And after this, I'm not sure when or if I'll be back, but I just needed to express something.

My dad's twin brother died 5 years ago. Suddenly. It was the hardest loss my dad's side of the family had endured in over 15 years.  There had been deaths- but none had affected us in such a way since we lost my grandfather.  Well, today while Facebook crawling, I clicked on a video link of my cousin (my uncle's son) playing an original piece of music on his guitar.  Just two minutes of the sight and sound of him brought back memories and emotions I forgot I had. It was beautiful. And bittersweet. Soothing and stabbing to my ears all at the same time.

Teary-eyed and filled with sweet grief, I thought about how amazing God must be. Life is amazing and the moments life can create are simply breathtaking.

Today I was simultaneously overcome with love, sadness, joy, regret, peace, hope...the entire rainbow of emotions- I felt them all. And it was truly breathtaking.

That small glimpse of my uncle through my cousin's hands is a priceless gift I will treasure and revisit forever.