Why make my life easier when I'm so good at making it hard?

Here's hoping to avoid a repeat of 2001...

So, I'm finally getting a Texas license. :( . After being here almost 2 years, I'm finally getting one for what I hoped would be my last 6 months in this wretched State. Seriously? Wanna know what's even better? I now have to take the written driver's test since I let my current DL expire. Did you know that if I had of just gotten a TX DL in the first place, they would have just let me switch the darn thing over? Period. Now I have to wait for my mom to fax me my birth certificate, schedule a testing time, and possibly brush up on my knowledge of Texas roads- cause trust me, there ain't nothing more crazy than Texas law!

Anyway, I could blame Texas. I could blame my BFF's wedding since I was supposed to get it renewed that same weekend but due to lack of sleep and constant activity it totally slipped my mind. I could blame gas and distance since it's too far for me to just drive home and get it renewed. I could also blame the cops for possibly wanting to check the damn thing between now and Christmas.

But I would be wrong. By all counts. The fault is mine and mine alone.

*deep sigh* Oh well. Maybe I can get my co-worker's 17 year old daughter to tutor me.

Sh*t Happens...

A scary thing happened today. A faculty member called me with a crisis and I didn't blink. Either I no longer care about my job. Or I no longer care. Period. But to be honest, I felt good about this reaction. Most times, I'm pretty mellow but easily riled by certain triggers. The situation said faculty member called me with is easily a trigger that would make me dive into my purse for a Xanax. But not today. I sat in silence as she accused me of a mistake. Then I waited patiently for her to calm down and ask me for assistance. I did not offer explanation. I did not try to make excuses or defend myself for something that actually was a bit of her fault. I just said, "Ok." I'm sure she is pissed. Which is a shame. I liked her. Oh well. I like this new attitude. Some things are worth having a cow over. Most things are not. At one point I thought my job was going to kill me. And then I decided that at 26 and making what I make, I'm not at the point yet where my job should be my life. I'm also not at the point where I should take it so seriously. And honestly, no matter what age I am, and no matter how much I make, I think I'll always feel that way. And that is alright with me.

Happy Monday.

Hello old friend...catch up on old times, shall we?

Always a good time...

I've been a bit neglectful to my little pet project here. And it isn't for lack of desire or even inspiration for that matter. I've just been so busy and tired from work that I can barely make it home each day before passing out at as soon as I get in the door. In a way, I've brought this on myself. We really need to hire a new person. But, I was spoiled by the uber-mellow energy of our old person so much that I've picketed against EVERY SINGLE PERSON that we've brought in- including the chick that decided she wanted to take a personal liking to me.

*Shrug*

Point is, I can only blame myself for the endless and constantly growing stack of work in front of me...and beside me on the floor...and behind me on my old roomy's desk. *deep sigh*

Anyway, it's time like these that I almost find myself thanking God that I'm not married. Not that I wouldn't love the company. In a perfect world, I'd go home this evening, pop open a bottle of wine and have drunken sex with my husband, then wake up the next morning refreshed, starving, and wondering how my bra ended up in the freezer. But since the world is not perfect, it's likely that if I were married right now, I'd have a baby. And, well...you can't have drunken sex with your husband when there's a baby in the corner needing changing and a bottle. So yeah. I'll take this over that...for now...

I digress.

Actually, I've totally forgotten what the point of this post was supposed to be. And I'm too lazy to even read back through it to see if there was even a point to be made.

Oh well. I hope you enjoyed your week. If yours was anything like mine, I hope you spend your weekend doing nothing at all.

XOXO

Another weekday... What are ya gonna do? *shrug*

Not an item on my to-do list...

I was depressed this morning until I overheard a 35+ year old business woman say that she had no effing clue what she was doing with her life. I just shrugged and said, "Wow. Thanks."

There's not much else to say about that. I really don't want to be at work today. I wore my new leopard loafers to work today, thinking they would cheer me up. This would have been a perfect solution if I were paid to sit and stair at my feet all day. I am not.

So instead I tracked down the kick ass song playing in the background of this new commercial I saw the other day. I've decided to spend the rest of the day rocking out at my desk to The Gossip's Heavy Cross.

Things are starting to look up. :)

Congrats! Where's the champagne?!

This is a special announcement. My friend from down the hall just walked in to tell me she'd gotten married. Like literally. On her lunch break. Today. Even better? Today is also her birthday. Better than that? The ring can be best be describe as almost identical to the one worn by Princess Di and now, Princess Kate, AND it so happens to be her birthstone. AND it was her grandmother's. ANDDDDDD it was already vintage when her grandmother wore it.

*deep sigh* A good *deep sigh*! I really am super happy for her. For the first time in almost ever, I was truly happy after hearing some wedding news and didn't for a moment feel jealous or resentful. She's a beautiful girl, with a beautiful ring, and most importantly, a beautiful family. :) Congrats Alison!!!

The Dilemma

A gift...and a curse.

So, my AC went out the other day. I had to sleep downstairs since it's usually the coolest- which thoroughly freaked me out because I've always believed that the freaks goblins, ghouls, and lizards come out at night and roam around downstairs while I'm hiding sleeping peacefully upstairs in my room. Anyway, the AC guy promised to fix it ASAP. And he did. Imagine my surprise when I got home yesterday to find a new fancy smancy digital thermostat mounted on my wall. I was all like whaaaattttt, ballin! I even took a picture and sent it to my friends. You see, my parents don't even have a digital thermostat. Neither does my job. I've only seen them in hotels and I've always thought they were pretty awesome. Besides, anyone who knows me knows that the temperature is always a tense subject with me.

Grandpa's dead...Who's turn is it to deal?

Taken after one of the many Kennedy family funerals...

Bad news travels fast. Got some last night. Then I got a call from my moms this morning. I could hear it in her voice... But then I thought about the Jacqueline Kennedy story I watched last night. She made a comment about the Kennedy family that more or less said- whenever bad things happen to the Kennedys, they go out to dinner or play football. That really stood out to me. Just that whole attitude of forging ahead and latching on to some joy instead of drowning in sorrow mystifies me. When bad things happen in my family, we all tend to get very dramatic, dive inward, and cry until our faces fall off. Just because it was normal for us, doesn't mean it was healthy.

Break-ups to Make-ups...

She just got done talking to Jesus.

I've been giving Jesus a hard time lately. It's only because we've been having a bit of a spat the past few years...Well, I've been having a spat with Him. Jesus doesn't respond well to threats. Or the silent treatment. And that's probably the one thing I hate about Him. Like most of my ex-boyfriends, He can just be as cold as ice sometimes! I cry and He says nothing. I get mad at Him cause I'm Single in the Sticks<<light bulb>> and He goes and makes Beyonce pregnant. I'm all like, damn homie! SMH...

When did we get so old?

One of his many failed attempts to regain childhood...

Seriously, what happened? One minute I was making Barbie and Ken hunch in the back of their pink corvette and the next thing I know, I'm pulling credit scores and having doctors test my ovaries. Student workers call me Ms. Ashley and I'm UPSing baby shower gifts to friends- not to mention the bazillion wedding announcements I get each month *eyesrollingoutofmyheadontothefloor*! One kid even told a friend of mine that he was looking for a cougar and then asked for my number. SERIOUSLY?! I'm surrounded by saggy pants idiots whose cat calls have been adjusted for me to include such phrases as, "women are like wine, they just get better with age," and my personal favorite, "I'm just a student of love looking for a teacher with some amazing brain." *________DEAD_______* Pretty soon I'm going to start to think that waiters are hitting on me when they ask me for my ID.

Did I mention that a saleswoman at a Clinique counter offered me eye cream for my impending crow's feet?

I'm so afraid of the morning that I wake up and realize that my good years are all behind me, wasted on chasing dreams and holding onto things that don't actually exist. My elders think I'm insane when I say this. They say things like, "I don't even remember my 20s!" I think, of course you don't, you're like 40 old.  I remember when I couldn't wait to be this age. Of course I thought that I'd be- well you know what I thought. But still, I thought I'd either be that or I'd be sprawled out on the beach in Brazil, traveling and seeing the world. Instead I'm in East Texas balancing budgets, scheduling dental appointments, and working weekends. Where's my Xanax? What's worse is that there really doesn't seem to be any relief in sight.

Oh well. Maybe I do have options. If Beysus can get pregnant at 30, so can I. Right? I could always go back to grad school full-time...maybe join a student exchange program- except that the thought of going back to school literally makes me throw up in my mouth. If it weren't for my pride and the need for my own income, I'd just quit my job, move back home, and ask for a mulligan on this whole adult thing...                                                                                                  

Time for a new song and dance...

True to the nature of my inner cat lady, I spent much of the weekend vegging and watching Lifetime movies. My favorite was Sundays at Tiffany's. It's a pretty decent dramatization of a book that I actually own but never finished- mainly because it's one of those so absurdly and sickeningly sweet fairy tale like stories that actually reading the happily ever after moment will make you hate your life even more than you did when you started it.

Things I do when I don't feel like working but still need to LOOK like I'm working... #153

#153
Sometimes I get up abruptly from my desk, announce that I've needed to go to the bathroom for the past 20 minutes, and then go troll the first floor hallway looking for cute male faculty to ask them for directions to lecture halls in other buildings that don't actually exist.

PRINCEiples of Life

This guy..

My mom sent me the lyrics to Purple Rain this morning. She usually sends me scriptures or other encouraging words. But this morning, for whatever reason, she thought it was necessary to send me some immortal words of the Purple One.

Close but no cigar... *and a brief intervention, of sorts, with Self*

dramatization of an actual occurrence in my life.

So I'm not bipolar. I do however suffer from a mild case of anxiety disorder- but apparently they are very common but go mis/undiagnosed. On the upside, according to my doctor, they are common among smart and creative people. #mentalillnessforthewin. I'm joking, I'm joking!!! Seriously, I am. It's actually not even mental but rather physiological. So it is kind of a chemical imbalance but one that just simply taking care of myself can counteract. My boss who suffers from this explained this to me yesterday. A former and trusted doctor of mine confirmed this for me this morning. I was given a laundry list of recommendations but the most significant thing is one I came up with on my own.

HIGHS -N- lows...

Fresh off of what should have been a fun and relaxing holiday getaway, I feel worse than ever. I returned last night only to find myself in tears. From what? I'm not exactly sure. I feel lonely, taken advantage of, complacent, confused, manipulated, and for lack of a better term, worthless. I all of a sudden find myself worried about EVERYTHING. While some of my fears are rational, many are not. I got to work at 10:30 today because this morning when I woke up, I didn't feel like going to work. That is totally normal. What's not normal though is consistently making the decision not to with no worry of the consequences. I know that I'm not depressed, because there are days when I feel like the princess of the world and for no other reason than the fact that I just woke up and felt really great. When I'm up, I'm in the sky. When I'm down...I can't articulate how it feels to be down. I'm already aware that I have some form of an anxiety disorder but because black people don't really "do that crazy stuff", I'm quite sure it hasn't been explored like it should have been. Actually, I really think I might have a bipolar disorder. I don't throw this term out loosely. Clearly, I can be a very dramatic person but there are some things that I consider off limits. Chemical imbalances, psychiatric disorders, whatever you want to call them- they are very real and band-aids and cookies don't fix them. And apparently, prayer and hour long conversations with mommy don't fix them either.

Oh well, the first step is admitting there is a problem...

A Rare Moment

Happiness...
It's relative.

I haven't posted in a while- mainly because I haven't had anything to say, relative to this blog anyway. For the first time in a long time, I don't really have anything to  complain about. Sure there are things that could be better. I still haven't gotten my wisdom teeth pulled and I'm super paranoid about my gums. I've got a case of baby-fever which doesn't seem to translate too well to concerned mothers sharing a small aisle with me in the grocery store with no husband in sight, and no matter what I do, Beyonce will still beat me having the best week ever. But for once, those are not really complaints. They are more so neutral observations. And I'm okay with them.

I woke up this morning and didn't immediately think, God I've gotta get out of this place. I no longer think all men suck just because I can't get the hot ones to commit. I also no longer think the hot ones are douches just because they won't. I don't hate my job. I just dislike it exponentially. My family and friends are well, and as far as I know, I am too. Lately, my answer to the woes of the world have pretty much just been a deep sigh and shrug. And I'm not even on Xanax. I call that a WIN. Right?

Did I mention I'm finally going to the beach? It's a gulf beach. And there will probably be more rocks than sand. But, it's still a beach. And there will definitely be water and some sand. I'm dare I say happy about that- which brings me to the best part of this moment. It's Friday AND Labor Day weekend. Three day weekend, poor man's beach, even poorer man's mixed drinks, and some quality time with one of my more um, "challenged", BFF's- all for a cost that won't break my bank. I'm going to redefine society's standards to fit my current situation and just go ahead and call all of this The Good Life, Dolce Vita, Click-click-smack-pop-cluck <<that's African I'm lying.


Happy Friday! And remember, whatever you're doing this weekend, make it the new definition of living THAT life and enjoy!