Monday, December 3, 2012

Cause err'day is a day of Thanksgiving

"The gift of life is life itself."

*Some of the sweetest ladies I know are carrying lives  inside of them at this very moment- Congrats!!!*

I have this really bad habit of treating some days better than others. Whether it's the way I dress, or what tasks I chose to take on for the day, I treat some days as throw-away days and spend hours willing the time away. And that's horrible. I was going to treat today as one of those days. I'm flying out of town tomorrow and today was going to be spent focusing on getting ready, tying up loose ends, and packing. I just hired an assistant and today is her first day, so I was also going to have to put some time into orientating her. *deep sigh* My plan was to treat today as my Friday, throw on some jeans, and stow away in my office until 4:35.

But as I pulled my hair up into the rather substantial ponytail that it's become, I thought to myself, today is a brand new day, the entirety of which has not been promised to me...a new day with fresh grace and mercy, full of possibilities. So, instead of throwing on my university t-shirt and Toms, I swiped on some shadow and blush,  grabbed my brand new pink blazer out of my closet, pulled on my black skinnies and heels,  and Naomi Campbell-ed out the door.

I've really got to do better.  Every single breath is a gift. Everyday is a chance for a miracle. Every Walgreens run in is an opportunity to fall in love. Every chat with the boss is precursor to a promotion.

Happy Monday!!!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

When to judge a book by its cover...

His name is probably Jesse...
So let me tell you what happened to me today...

Last week, I got a crack in my windshield.  I let it linger but today decided it was time to get it fixed before it spread. I called my dad and asked him where to go. He then called our insurance provider and they connected us with a glass doctor who could come out to my job. Well anyway, I talked to the owner of the company who takes my number and informs me that the technician will call me when he's own his way.

At around lunchtime, I get a call from the tech. No joke, the conversation went like this. And please imagine that the setting for this convo is in a dark night club after about the fifth drink and just pretend that I've been eyeing this guy the whole night because he was talking to me as if to say, "your place or mine?"

Me: Hello
Tech: (in what I'm assuming is his sexy nighttime voice) Yesss... Hi. I'm calling for um, Ashley. A Ms. Ashley...
Me: This is she.
Tech: Ah yes, Ms. Ashley...heyyy, how you doing?  This is Jesse. Where are you going to be in around 45 minutes to an hour- better yet, where are you located now?
Me: *holding back a laugh* I'm actually at lunch but I'll- is this the glass doctor?
Tech named Jesse: Oh *insert pimp laugh* yes, yes.
Me: Ok, Jesse. I'll be back at work by then. Just call me when you're at my building.
Tech named Jesse: Okay, okay. Right, right.
Me: *hangs up phone*

Fast forward 45 minutes to an hour, Jesse rolls up looking dusty but potentially cute underneath the dirt and work wear.  From our phone conversation, he was just what I expected... He fixes the crack he came for along with one that a previous technician claimed couldn't be fixed, "on the house," he said. He wrapped up and I asked him if he needed anything else from me.

Tech named Jesse: *looks around at tools* Ummmm, Nah, I don't need- well, I mean you could go to dinner with a brotha.
Me: *blank stare*
Tech named Jesse: *insert nervous pimp laugh*

I considered many things in the 10 seconds it took me to answer him. First of all, Jesse was not my type, but underneath all the dust, he was cute. He was dressed pretty rough, but I told myself he just didn't want to get his regular clothes dirty. It was a fair assumption that he was not as educated or employed as well as me BUT, here was a "brotha" trying to make an honest living. Also, he was completely different from the other guys I've dated, and well, you know that saying about the definition of insanity...  Finally, he was bold enough to ask me out in front of some rather snobby looking characters also in the parking lot... So I said...

Me: Um Jesse, *laugh* you already have my number sooo... Have a good afternoon, okay!

I walked back to my office smiling, glad to know I had done my "brotha" a solid in the midst of those disapproving  eyes and for not turning my nose up at someone who I most definitely would have in the past.  Whether it was desperation or growth, I thought to myself, who knows? He could be my Idris Elba a la Daddy's Little Girls.

Then I got the following text a couple hours later.

I kno u at work but call me as well. Lok my number n under boo. N tex or call me whenever n what ever time u feel. I hope we hook up n kik it.

*deep sigh*

I can only blame myself. I'll be mass texting you all my new number soon.

Monday, November 26, 2012

And good tidings of comfort and joy...



'Tis the season, y'all!!! Can you feel it?! I can! I hope your Thanksgiving was super amazing- mine was!  I spent the entire break with those nearest and dearest to me and it was wonderful.  Whether it's the family you were born with or the family that you've made, there's nothing more important than spending time with the ones you love.  Everything else comes second- there are no exceptions.

Speaking of family, I hope you consider Jesus as a part of your family. At the least, you should know that He considers you part of His. Let me explain...

I met a man yesterday. He works with my father. He came over to our table during our after-service meal.  He was there with his family.  My dad introduced him as Dr. So-and-so.  He was tall, lanky, and looked extremely sedated.  He had this weird look on his face that never disappeared during the entire seven minutes he stood over us talking, as if he had not a care in the world.  When he finally left, we all looked around each other...my dad nervously laughed. And then I realized what struck me about the guy. That weird look on his- a SMILE! His sedation? It was really just a quiet, lingering happiness. That man had joy.  I was amazed and deeply saddened at the same time at the realization that what I just saw in this man was something of a unicorn in my own life.  Where was my joy? Where is my family's joy? How can a family of Believers not experience this constantly and consistently. Better yet, how can we make people think the same thing when we leave their presence?

I had already acknowledged the self-fabricated lack in my life.I have been on a decline for some time now. No matter how God blessed me, no matter how well my life was going, it was never enough.  I was filled with fear and loathing, regret and anxiety...worry. I had completely let go of God's hand and had begin traveling through my life alone. because the transition was so gradual- I mean this happened over the course of years- I didn't realize it until it was almost too late. I looked around one day and saw myself in the middle of a dense forest. Alone. No sunlight breaking through the trees.No wind blowing. Just me and darkness. Me and the devil.  Because he had me where he wanted me, there was no need to attack. He knew as long as I was wandering around aimlessly that I was no help to God and no threat to him. Well, I am now in a full on sprint back to my God's arms. I see Him, and I see He never took His eyes off of me.  It was only me that had taken my eyes off of Him. He was right where I left Him, watching...and continuously providing an unseen protection. He had placed an invisible hedge around me. I am His, and He wanted me to survive. He wanted me to be okay. He wanted me to on my own remember His love for me. He waited patiently for me to return to Him, and to love Him back.

He is waiting patiently for us all to return to Him.  He loves us. It breaks His heart when we forget Him, when we claim to not know Him- REALLY know Him.  It angers Him how we persecute each other in His name.  God is love. He loves the black, the white. The gay, the straight. The believer, and the unbeliever. He hates our sin because it destroys that which He loves the most- US!

Remembering these things reignited a small fire in me that grows with each passing moment. The more it grows, the greater my glow. The closer I get to God, to Jesus, the closer my joy gets to me.

I don't know what you believe in but I have to tell you, God believes in you. If you don't love Him, just know He loves you.

My alma mater and current employer has had this running theme/saying all football season- "We Believe."  Our team has pretty much sucked the past several years, but this year, the team seemed to have a new fight in them and the fans rallied around them posting "We Believe" signs all over the country.  We Believed all the way through our defeat at the hands of the no. 1 ranked team. We Believed as we lost the next two games straight.  We continued to believe as we lost for the first time in three years to our most hated rival, ending our regular season on a sour note.  We continue to believe in an upcoming bowl victory- something we have not been able to look forward to in years. If hundreds of thousands of people can have that sort of belief in a team of young men, with a less than stellar record, and a fluke of winning season that we'll gladly take, How can I not wholeheartedly believe in the God that I have truly seen and felt in every sunrise, every breeze, every breath, every heartbeat! But this is my testimony. You have your own. We all have to find our own way in this life and work out our own soul's salvation.  We all have to find our purpose.  We all have to help.  We all have to serve. Whatever good is in our ability to do, we must do it!  I'm inspired by so many people- those who claim Jesus, and those who don't. I've learned so much from those who simply believe in the power of yoga, chanting to Buddha, or just sending out "good vibes".  Whatever it is, I want YOU to know that I believe that every good and perfect thing comes from above, from the father of lights. I want YOU to know that I see God in you.

Be blessed this season, this year, this lifetime! And bless others along your way. Show love, show grace. Offer compassion and understanding. And know that in doing these things, in being kind to His people, in making someone feel better, you ARE a friend of God.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Office potluck? Oh joy...


Ok, so I fake the funk pretty well, but at the end of the day I DON'T. LIKE. PEOPLE.  I like my friends and family. But just random people in general? I'll pass.  Thing I miss most about my previous jobs is that because I was in a central university office, the only people I had to deal with outside of the faculty I assisted were my actual in-office coworkers.  If we went to lunch, cool. If not, no biggie. But at least I got to know most of them pretty well, some became friends, and a few I consider  family. But now that I work for a particular college within the university, I'm expected to become apart of this college's community.  So, instead of just socializing with my coworkers and boss, I have to form relationships with ALL the offices within the college, ALL the faculty... even the dean regularly drops by my office to cross his legs and take a load off. *cringe* Good grief.  While some people embrace the thought of emerging themselves into the system, I loathe it. And what do I loathe more than random faculty referring to me as kiddo while inquiring who sent the flowers on my desk? Eating with strangers, that's what.  I ABSOLUTELY hate it.  For me, eating is an intimate pleasure and the more pleasant the experience, the better my digestion. Eating should be accompanied by unforced and easy flowing, LIGHT conversation.  I HATE business lunches/dinners- I can't think about how good my food tastes if I'm focused on trying to craft intelligent responses.  I hate "official" office lunches as it is inevitable that the entire lunch will be filled with work chatter. IF I JUST LEFT FROM WORKING WITH YOU, I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND MY ONE BREAK OF THE DAY EATING WITH YOU AND TALKING ABOUT THE WORK I JUST RAN AWAY FROM. Finally, for this post anyway, more than anything, I just really hate schmoozing.  I consider this to be everything from making clever jokes with the random business manager you correspond with, to grinning through the terribly unfunny jokes of your boss' boss, to pretending like you actually give two shits about the mission of your organization and whether or not it accomplishes all its goals for the current fiscal year.  I do not give two shits.  They don't pay me enough to.  They pay me just enough to give a shit about whether or not I'm doing enough work in order for them to keep paying me.  That it is it.  I just want to come to work, do my job well, and leave.  I want to take my lunch break as an opportunity to divorce myself as much as I can from my 8-5 in an hour and a half's worth time.  But for some reason, people who live to work decided that people who spend 8 hours a day together don't spend nearly enough time socializing and getting to know one another.  Why not put that hour of freedom to good use and force everyone to continue talking about that killer budget together over strange looking, unidentifiable dishes made by that "crazy cat lady" administrative assistant who doesn't wash her hands after using the bathroom? Yep, that sounds like the best idea ever to me!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Already one of those days...

And it's only Wednesday...
I know I've matured somewhat because I'm not crying right now.  That doesn't mean I'm not dangerously close to it though.  It's only 10:40 on a Wednesday and I'm already wishing desperately for Christmas break. Or another job...

I've been telling Jesus about my troubles, but I still feel pretty lousy.  Work is...super crazy right now.  I feel abandoned by my team- the downside from working in a building different from your boss.  I kind of feel stuck on an island that's sinking and I have no one to ask for help.  And really, I just want some external comfort about it all.  Unfortunately I don't have the particular comfort I desire.  My best friend is married, so I lean on her far less than I used to. It's just different now.  And I get tired of always running to my parents for things.  While I get that they probably do understand what I'm feeling, many times it's just really hard to relate.  My guy bestie, well I don't really lean on him for the everyday stressors.  If something major is going on, I break down and call him. But mostly we use each other nonsensical chatter, and movie/dinner dates.  I don't trust any of my co-workers enough to vent to them.  And honestly, I think I've made a bad habit of getting too close to co-workers anyway.  There really should be a separation.

What I need is a "help meet". That's what the Bible calls it anyway- I interpret that as a "help me to meet my needs" partner.  I realize now that God made partnerships not simply for us to just enjoy them and have naked playtime, but mainly because you will need someone to help you get through this life.  You will need someone who you can text in the middle of the night about a bad dream.  You will need someone who you can run to the parking lot and give a quick call because you've had bad experience at work.  Girls will need a guy to come kill a really big, creepy- looking bug.  Guys will need a girl to make them soup and do their laundry when they're sick.  The loving and affection is an amazing byproduct but OMG, all that other stuff is priceless.

I need a partner.  Something really just...stupid happened at work today and I just need to vent about it. Or be comforted.  Really all I need is a, "You know what, I feel you. I've had one of those moments. Don't take it personally. And didn't you say they told you that woman hates everyone? So what are you worried about? You never even have to see her.  Take a deep breath.  Welcome back to the workforce, lol." I need those words to come from someone who has me in their list of top 5 priorities. I need that from someone who thinks about me as much as I think about them.  Are you listening, God? It's getting real lonely around these parts and I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. Help.

XOXO from your darling daughter down here on earth...just trying to do her job...they way you want me to...trying to push ego aside...trying to learn as much as I can while still garnering the respect of my peers...it's hard.

This is hard. Growing up is hard.  When will I stop growing and just be grown?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Recognition is the first step...

...bitch.
I am so jealous of talented people. Like, EXTREMELY jealous- singers, especially.  I think I'm so jealous of singers because I love music so very much and singing is one of the few things that you can't learn. Sure, you can take vocal lessons, but you either have IT or you don't. I don't have IT. I can sing, but my voice is not remarkable and it's very weak.  After a strong first verse, I'm straining. But, if there was ever a competition for singing in the shower, I'd win.

But anyway... So naturally, I hate Beyonce. If she was much older than me, my jealousy would take the form of extreme admiration. But since we are more or less the same age, I hate her. Passionately. She's gorgeous. She can sing. She can dance.  She's not the brightest crayon in the box and she can't act. But when she's in her lane, she's genius.  She doesn't need the rest. And she's married to the hottest and richest, ugly rapper in life. Annndddd now she's birthed the second coming of Beysus! What?! #winning.

Whitney? That's my auntie.  Toni and Tamia? They're my second cousins.  Ella is my great grandma and Adele? Well, Adele is my bestie in my head.

I do recognize though that what these people have in common with each other and not me, besides natural ability, is an incredible work ethic.  They work extremely hard to be who they are.  There are kids on a school bus somewhere right now belting out the theme song from Lean On Me.  What surely is an Grammy worthy performance will likely never be heard by anyone other than the other kids on that bus, or in their neighborhood as they continue to sing walking down the street.

I have never had to work hard for anything.  If that doesn't change, it will be the reason why I'll never be great.  I've never had to be great.  I've always gotten by on perceived excellence. It's a gift and a curse.  I'm naturally intelligent.  I have a natural ability to retain knowledge and comprehend. But I've never worked those abilities.  It's like muscles. We all have the ability to have some level of definition, ripped abs and a sexy back.  But most of us will never have that definition because we won't work the muscles hard enough to see results.  We envy those who do, but clearly not enough to put in the same level work to achieve the same level of results. And still, like I mentioned earlier, we each have unique natural abilities. So knowing that some people take to playing piano much easier than others can really deter the poor kid struggling to learn her scales.  Life still has a way of balancing out the playing field though. If that kid with the long graceful fingers isn't careful, if they are lazy with their ability, they will learn the hard way that a perfected craft beats out raw talent every time.

My point? My point is that I recognize I'm lazy.  Where as I'd love for some young girl to one day name me in her list of stars, I know that it may never happen simply because I didn't put in the work.  I don't like to work hard. Never had to.  I've been able to give the minimum, even up until this very moment, and still come out on top of my peers.  I know it must secretly infuriate those that know me well.  I don't understand it but I know I get it from dad.  He had to have been cats in all his lives because he literally has a million lives.  I call it the favor of God on our lives. But I know that God could remove His hand from me at any time. And then, where would I be? At some point I have to meet Him halfway, right?  I do want to excel at something, anything...  I suppose it's time to grow up and put in the work before the novelty of all that is me fades.

So, my plan is to launch a three-fold attack on myself- mind, body, and soul.  I've lost and kept off 8 whole pounds in three months all from just eating better.  Determined to not just settle for well enough when it comes to my body and the way it looks, I went for a run last night. And I'm going Wednesday, and Friday.  I want to tone and define my body and that's going to take work.  Probably not as much as it does for others, but still, more work than I'd like to do.  I got lots of cat calls from the college guys as I jogged by in tights.  The run taught me two things- 1) my butt looks good. 2) I've got too much pride to let a bunch of young guys see me huff and puff- I ran like a beast in front of those kids.  Definitely motivation...

I've set other small goals for myself as well.  More Bible reading for my soul; yoga,meditation, and more reading for my mind; exercise and more balanced meals for my body.  I want to live an excellent life.  I don't know how long I'm here for, but I know I've wasted too much time being mediocre.  I mean, if I can be this well off doing the basics, imagine what could happen with even a little or a LOT of effort!

Happy Tuesday XOXO

Friday, October 26, 2012

Another one bites the dust...

Another one of my friends is getting married!!! WooHoo!!! I am super excited! Right now, I'm standing on the bridge of 27 looking over at 30- so even though I'm unattached at the moment, I am constantly and consistently in love! So what if the objection of my affection is just an idea? It's still better than nothing and one day, I know for sure that that idea will manifest into what will certainly be the most fantastic love of my life. And I can't wait! Weddings excite me! they make me cry, they make me think, they make me pray extra hard for my own knight in shining loafers to scoop me up and ride me off to the nearest Chipotle for some yummy guacamole! *mmmmmm*  I bubble over with glee just thinking about it.

I can't wait for the day I meet the person that is willing to put up with me, and who also appreciates how I put up with them in return. But let me be clear, it's the companionship that I crave.  Having gone through many of the motions of planning my own former wedding, I can honestly say that I got little pleasure from pouring through decorations, dresses, and bouquets... *deep sigh*. I was so wishing that I could just pay someone to do it ALL for me. The only thing I thoroughly enjoyed throughout the whole ordeal was planning the beach-side barbecue reception. Yep, I wanted barbecue and mason jars filled with sweet tea and lemonade. *country beach bum chic til the day I die*  And since that idea was mine and mine alone, I plan on pitching that to my next and last fiance.

He's coming, I can feel it in my bones. He's going to see me, and think hmmm, she's pretty cute. We'll chat face-to-face for a bit. I'll smile and make eye-contact. He'll pretend to listen while scrutinizing my face. He'll think my baby teeth are hilariously cute and that my eyes are, well, kinda amazing. Once he's made up in his mind that he finds me quite pretty, even beautiful, he'll actually start listening to the words that come out of my mouth. He'll realize that I'm smart but incredibly ridiculous. He'll quickly gather that there are double meanings to everything I say but understand that both meanings are purposeful. He'll want to run but realize that he can't. He'll think I'm crazy but I'm his kind of crazy. It will hit him, SHE'S THE ONE... HOLY CRAP! THERE'S A "ONE"!!!

After a sufficient time of misadventures in dating, he'll decide that he'd much rather have a life with me than without and that it's imperative that we go jump a broom, ASAP. I will gladly agree, and 30 years and 2.5 kids later, He'll sit back and watch the game while I kiss his balding head and rub his old shoulders while sweetly whispering in his ears about the new must-have marble counter tops I recently spotted at Lowe's. He'll agree to have them installed as long as I agree to go fix him a drink and quietly watch the remainder of the game with him.  I'll happily comply.

Ahh, that is my idea of the sweet life :-)

Happy Friday and even happier weekend!!! XOXO

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

...That's That ISH I Don't Like!


This morning, I got a concerned call from one of my girlfriends. This guy she has been dating stopped by to see her on his off day. Sweet, right? NO! Why? Because dude dropped by her house this morning without even calling first to get permission. And she had to go to work! This ain't undergrad! We not just sleeping late in a dorm on a random Wednesday! Fool! *deep sigh* *woosah*

No sir and no ma'am. You no do that!!! That is all kinds of wrong and breaking down the passive aggressive psychology of that deserves a post all its own.  But instead of going there, I'm just going to use this time to discuss that and some of the other SHIT I DON'T LIKE!

1. Coming over unannounced- As I stated above, NO SIR and NO MA'AM! OutKast said it best, "I call before I come, I won't just pop over out the blue...I hope you do too." It's a respect issue, people. Just plain and simple. When someone does that to you, please understand that that person is not sweet. That person has boundary issues that will come back and kick you in your ass. That person is telling you in the nicest, mildest way they know how that what's good and comfortable for them will always trump what's good and comfortable for you.

2. Asking for a key to an apartment/house for which you don't pay rent- Unless you are my bestfriend and I need you to watch my place while I'm gone (in which case, I'll be retrieving my key when I get back), or you are my mama (and daddy I guess) or my child, you  BET NOT ASK ME FOR NO DAMN KEY AND YOU SURE AS HELL BET NOT GO AND MAKE ONE ON YOUR OWN! True story. That is some shit I just really don't like and trust, that will be the end of me and whoever dares to try it.

3. People talking thisclosetomyface- Please back up and give me 50 feet. Or least 50 centimeters.

4. *Being the only speck of cayenne pepper in a sea of salt- At some point, Jesus is going to have to explain to me why He continues to bestow upon me the task of being the token black everywhere I go.

5. When people other than my boss walk behind my desk uninvited.  That's that shit I don't like.  Whether I'm writing secret code for highly confidential report, paying a bill, blogging about hating work, or checking out the latest fashion trends on people.com, you don't need to see what the hell is on my screen unless I ask you too. You also don't need to know whether or not my pants shoes are on or where I hide my secret stash of **negro-snacks. I'm grown. Get back.

That's all for now. Your task for today? Openly express that shit you don't like!

XOXO

*I didn't realize how racist MS was until living somewhere else and coming back. 

**negro-snacks- the Salt and Vinegar Lays and Little Debbie cakes you hide inside a drawer or under your desk, instead of setting out with the wack ass peppermints and jellybeans, because you really don't want to share them with your greedy ass co-workers because not only will they eat them all up but they WON'T replenish them because your non-negro co-workers won't know where to find them in the grocery store...not that they would even try to look in the first place.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Homecoming, HomeGOING...

Death to Smoochie.
In case you're lame and didn't know, this past weekend was Homecoming at the best freakin' school in the best freakin' conference in the NATION!. Only half of the last part of that statement is technically true. The last half. For the sake of my safety, If you don't know, you better ask somebody who I'm talking about!

Anyway, a totally unnecessary "business trip" to the coast led me into this fabulous weekend. It doesn't get much better than drinks on the beach- literally, followed by drinks at the bar...in a casino... Aside from the excessive carding, I'd call that trip a win. I got to see an old friend, a new friend (I haven't seen in a year), and a friend I can't quite classify. Immediately after getting back midday Friday, I prepared for a night of fun with friends who were not yet quite my friends. THIS was a big deal, you guys. I don't like new people. I prefer my old, worn, comfy jeans to the brand new stiffies. But, I did it. I went out with new people- new GIRLS to be exact. And, it wasn't horrible. Dare I say, I liked it??? Anyway, enter Saturday and I'm running on E. I'm extremely tired and sleep escapes me but I have tons to do and people to see. Now to be honest, as I sit here typing this morning, the remainder of the weekend is a blur. All I really remember is that it was pretty awesome.

Oh, I did I mention I got my friend back? You know the one that I dedicated several Adele themed lamentations to? Yep, him. In a reunion that was as lackluster as our parting was dramatic, we decided that it was just kinda dumb to not be friends. And then we got dinner and saw a crappy movie. #WINNING. Our relationship is different now, but it is as it should be. Getting all the clutter out on the table seemed to shift us to place that is much more clear and defined. There's no more...murkiness. We are friends...family. And I like it.

But ok, let's get to the point. Aside from the fun I had, I'm more concerned with the "fun" I didn't have and how I feel about it all.  Typically, for me anyway, the nostalgia that comes with seeing old, friendly faces leads to drunken escapades, irretrievable texts, "OMG did I just do that in front of my boss?!" moments unforgivable conversations, morning after pills and just overall *ratchetness.  Today, I can say with pride that I did none of these this time around. I had drinks, but I held it together. I had conversations, all with a clear head. I sent texts that were carefully thought out. I didn't do anything embarrassing in front of anyone with access to my paycheck. And somehow, I managed to keep myself out of Plan B's way. Okay, I didn't completely escape my vices. I did car-dance uncontrollably to "Bands a Make Her Dance" every. single. time. it. came. on. Ratchetness- 1, Ashley- 0.

So yeah, there were some things I didn't do, words I didn't say, and people I didn't see. And this morning, looking back over it all, I know I made the right decisions.  There is not that lingering remorse or regret.  I'm not wondering why he didn't call, or hoping that she heard what I meant instead of what I said.

So. RIP to the weekend of bad decisions. Whether caused by intoxication of liquor, or intoxication of emotion, I managed to bypass my usual morning after depression.  Am I getting older? Have I finally gone through enough horror to give pause? Is it a combination of both?  Whatever it is, I'm glad it's happening. I'm glad that for a change I didn't just give over into the moment but I stopped to devote a couple seconds to the consequences. Life is not perfect. It's only Monday. But so far, I'm already experiencing a bit less drama and a bit less heartache. :-)

XOXO

*ratchetness- an extreme mix of ignorance and ghetto. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Quotables

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one." ~Elbert Hubbard

Friday, October 5, 2012

"Love is patient, love is kind..."

"...It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13:4-7.

Sometimes I try to craft to craft my words in such a way... Today my eloquence begins and ends with the scripture above. As I've previously shared, this past year I found myself in an extremely volatile, sometimes physical, and emotionally abusive relationship. Because of what clearly had to be low self esteem, and my failure to enforce my personal boundaries, I found myself held hostage by my own life, in my own home, by my own hand. For lack of better words, it was horrible. And while I thought it was all finally over, this past week my ex has reappeared with a vengeance.  Some days it is all JUST. TOO. MUCH. But as angry as I with him, as much as I don't understand how he can't just simply leave me alone, as much as I just wish he would fall off the face of the earth, I am more angry at myself.  I look at my life and am so disappointed in me. Like most victims of some sort of harassment or abuse, there are intense moments where you feel like you brought it all on yourself.  I always thought I was too smart to ignore the warning signs, too discerning to not spot crazy...too strong to be so weak. I curl up into a ball at night and cry because I feel the weight of the world on me. I know that my Jesus has walked with me and given me strength but more than anything, I need for Him to hold me tight in physical arms and wipe my tears with an earthly hand.  I want to run but I'm tired of running. And maturity taught me that there is no escape.  I hesitate to tell people that I am truly scared and feel threatened.  I pray that my story doesn't end like all the others that people ignored until it was too late.

I feel trapped. I feel abused. I feel helpless. I feel pathetic. And I suppose that that is what he has wanted all along. If I wouldn't be happy with him, then I shouldn't be happy at all, right?

I am stronger than this, but I am fragile. I am smarter than this, but I am naive. I will never give up on love, but I am heartbroken.

My mother told me I must pray for him. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But if praying for him will save me, I will do it.

I will overcome this because my life depends on it. I will maintain my joy because my peace depends on it. And I will love like I've never loved before because my soul depends on it.

That's all for today. I just needed to take a moment to breathe.  Before I sign out, I do have to ask a favor. Please, please, please don't let my story ever be yours in any way shape or form. Life is short, but it's way too long to suffer. You are in control of your life. We can only blame others for what they do to us for so long before we must admit that much of that blame should fall to ourselves.

XOXO

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

If I ever have to be reincarnated into a plump white chick from the UK, I hope I would come back as Adele.

It only gets worse kid...it only gets worse.


I swear that girl writes the songs that closet emo black chicks the whole world sings. I saw that ex- best friend of mine that I told you about the other day... I was driving and passed him on campus. For a moment, our eyes locked, and I could have sworn the heavens belted out the chorus of Turning Tables. And I turned my head, and the corner, just as Adele sings, "It's time to sayyyy gooodbye eyyee, to turning tableesss uh ah."

*le sigh*

Anyway, I'm about to go in a different direction than initially intended. But...so what has just hit me- painfully, might I add- is that the above snippet of my life possibly never had to be. As I think back to that night that we said goodbye, I realize that there was so much- or rather just a few seemingly small things we could have done to save a nearly decade long friendship. But since he has no voice here, I will only speak for myself and list my "shoulda couldas."

1. Been the woman.
Unfortunately, I've come to pride myself on my "reverse m&m-like" abilities. Though, like most women, I once had a sweet but thin, hard exterior filled with warm, lady-like goodness, I now appear soft to the touch but am incredibly hard- gobstopper hard- on the inside. And this has become a problem to say the least. So what's that got to do with price of sun tan lotion in Budapest? Well, there is a reason God created both male and female and placed them together. In the most basic and practical sense, they were supposed to balance each other out. Where one was weak, the other was made to be strong. Like two bulls in a fight, no one wins. One dies and the other is scarred for life.  That is what happens when I fight like a man when it comes to love. And this applies even and especially in the most unromantic of relationships. He had given as much as he could without completely letting go of his manhood. He let me know that he no longer had the answers. He expressed that he didn't want the end that seemed to be inevitable.  He showed me his vulnerability. He revealed to me what he knew I knew was his pain.  I saw all this and instead of responding in the way he absolutely and unquestionably needed me to, I walked away. I stiffened my back, locked my jaw, and turned my head away, unwilling to show him tears. And I walked away.

This is where I failed. Mistakes are unavoidable. They are to be expected and you should forgive yourself for them. Mistakes in and of themselves are not failures. But to do what I did, to let hurt and pain change your character...change the very essence of you. That is more than failure. It's criminal.

If only I had put down my purse. If only I had been the woman that he needed, the woman that he thought he was looking at in that moment, and simply taken his hands in mine. If only I had kissed his cheek and embraced him. But I didn't. I didn't even touch him that entire night. I didn't hug him when I entered and I barely looked at him when I left. I just walked away. I relinquished what was my true power as a woman, the ability to soften almost any blow, and I just walked away. I think out of all that we went through, every mistake he or I made towards one another, leaving without a proper goodbye is and shall always be one of my greatest regrets.

There are more shoulda couldas. But this is as much as I can bear for now.

While I'll be spending the rest of my workday in a hazy daze, I do hope you will thoroughly enjoy yours. And  please do remember to use your innate power as the individual you were created to balance out your relationships with those you love the most. You don't have to love the same but you must love EQUALLY. Someone will get that in the morning :-)

XOXO


Friday, September 14, 2012

So today was one of those days, right...

...and I've been feeling some type of way... I got some really awesome news today and of course I found a reason to pout- because after my family and girlfriends, I had no one else that I wanted to share it with it. And I'm not gonna lie, that kind of sucks. I'm thinking-hoping- praying that that will all turn around soon though. I'm already so blessed, and with all that I've recently gone through, I'd say that I'm winning right now. But still. There's always...that. And I'm currently so uninspired by what's before me. But, as I've learned firsthand, life is completely unexpected and anything can happen in a blink of the eye.

So I'm gonna get to blinking...and winking ;-)

Happy weekend to you! XOXO


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

See, what had happened was...

An accurate description- if you switch the position of the bride and groom...
So..... I'm back. I was wisely advised by several of you, based on your knowledge of my situation, that I should never have left in the first place. Well...whatever.

Anyway, let me just go ahead and hit you with the brick that will be this post.

1. I called off my engagement...a month and a half ago.
2. I KNEW I was going to end it THREE months ago.  Are you doing the math?
3. I sadly and reluctantly left Texas...indefinitely...without a job...for reasons that I'm not yet comfortable disclosing here.
4. I knew much of this would happen even as I was announcing the engagement to you. Don't be mad at me!

Very, very bad things happened in my relationship. I could give a month long workshop on the madness that had been my life for the past month to educate and help some of you, but I'd like to think you all would be smarter than me if you had been in my situation. I'd always thought that I would have been smarter in my situation. I will say this though- while I will contribute much of the awful things my ex did to me to his own insecurities, I will also admit that I actively allowed much of it to happen due to my own insecurities in thinking that the lack of commitment from my previous partners was my fault. It wasn't. The one thing my ex did right was recognizing the awesome and devoted woman that I am. Unfortunately, he recognized it so much so that his love and security turned into violent obsession and paranoia. *shudders*

I'm finally writing about this, for one, because I am just now ABLE to write about it. Also, I absolutely abhor journaling but confession is so very good for the soul.

I took and am continuing to take away many lessons from this experience.

Family and God-sent friends are priceless! My God is so amazing. Through all that I went through, never did he leave or forsake me. When my family couldn't reach me, protect me, be with me, he placed a carefully assigned friend in their stead. In the middle of experiencing what real love wasn't, I found out exactly was true love is. It's not getting along all the time. It's not agreeing on everything. It's not about meaningless words and constant reassurance. It's all the other stuff. It's what remains while you're busy yapping about crap that doesn't matter. It's about waking up at 4 a.m. to meet someone you haven't talked to in a week at the hospital because you know they need you. It's about wanting what's best for someone even when you're mad at them. It's the knowing that they would do the same for you. It's recognizing that you'd rather not have a life that doesn't have this person in it. You know you could do it, but you'd just rather not.

As I'm writing this, I'm crying. As I emerge out of the bitterness and anger that temporarily enveloped me through my whole ordeal, I am realizing the importance of expression and communication. I lost a really good friend this past week (not the ex-fiance). Actually, he was one of, if not my best friend. Over the past 8 years, we developed and engaged in a very muddied and complicated companionship. Often the necessary words were left unsaid,or said to late. While actions mean more than words, words are still important. Without them, false assumptions evolve into unchangeable realities. And eventually, after several misunderstandings, unexpressed hurt feelings, and heartaches later, relationships end.

I don't know if I will ever get this friend back, but this is a worthy heartbreak- the pain of which I am willing to bear.I will not despise not one tear that I shed for him nor will I hate our mutual realization of the many mistakes we made in mishandling our friendship. We powered through like champs though. Unfortunately, we began at a time when we were too young to truly understand the powerful dynamics between a man and a woman who genuinely love each other in a way not directly addressed by society, our parents, or even in the movies. We had no example of what we were supposed to be, no model to follow... so we constantly found ourselves forcing our way into boxes in which we didn't fit.

I have no way of knowing if our friendship was meant to survive. Maybe it would have been forced to dissolve in the face of us finding our true significant others. Maybe it would have blossomed, transforming and adjusting to each phase of our life. What I do know though is that the past 8 years could have been so much more precious if we had simply been more willing and able to express ourselves.

I can't change that situation at this point, but I can change myself. From this point on, I will not allow fear to control me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing your love for someone. They can reject it. They may not even respond. But at the end of the day, I'd rather you know that I loved you and not care than for you to be left wondering...










Thursday, June 7, 2012

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night....


So, this will be my last post to this blog. While this experience has been therapeutic, I think something became lost for me over time. While growing up is hard, actually being grown is even harder. And that is where my next blog will start and continue. I will let you all know personally the address to my new blog home, but in the meantime, I just want to say thanks. Thanks for comments. Thanks for lurking. Thanks for the occasional "where are ya?" email. Thanks :-)

XOXO

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Thank you :-)

...just for me :-)
Sooo, I've been absent...but for good reason- I'm engaged!!! *cheer, shout, jump for jump* And, I still can't believe it. My relationship with my boyfrie FIANCE is so incredibly unexpected and random that it's quite obvious to us both that God was orchestrating this from the start. Anyways, I honestly didn't come on here to post about my engagement- as wonderful as it is- but rather just to make a public declaration of thanks to Jesus. Trying to plan a wedding in less than 6 months (no, I'm not pregnant) has been a bit stressful to say the least, not to mention that life is still happening, my job still sucks, and bills are still due. But regardless of all that, I realize that in this very moment, my life is perfect. At this very moment I am happy, healthy, and those that I love are well. If I never see tomorrow, I can say with all conviction that God has been sooooooo good to me!!!

Happy Tuesday!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I'm not complaining, but...

Today has really been one of those days... so much so that I had to go home and pop half a Xanax just to keep my head from exploding. It all started with the March of the Drones. That is the name I've given to that miserable walk between the parking garage and my office. I already knew it was going to be some kind of a day. I was about 21 minutes late and due to the food baby I'm carrying, my pants didn't exactly fit and my butt looked extra big. Normally I'd love that, but today I just felt like I was lugging around one of those ghetto booties- just big for no reason. *deep sigh* **I digress**

Anyway, I made the fortunate mistake of watching some TED video about how schools kills creativity. It displayed in the most brilliant animated way how formal education strips us of every ounce of creative juice in our being that makes us unique. By the time we are old enough to realize and embark on our dreams, most of us have already been reduced to mere scantron sheets in human clothing. And when that happens, if you're lucky, you end up in an office with a beautiful view pushing papers with important to someone other than yourself information that you are responsible for processing/collating/transferring to file 13 so that the machine continues to operate smoothly and the rich SOBs controlling them get to buy their little brats that totally necessary jet ski for their 13 birthday...

I've lost where I was going with this rant but you get the picture.

Happy Thursday.

Ohsh*teffingmonkeyballs! It's only Wednesday.

:-(

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Noooo, I don't really wanna get high...

Hey, let's get away...


...on weed, anyway. I wouldn't mind  getting high on life though. It's that time of year again when I get super antsy. And my view of  GAP doesn't help. It's beautiful outside and I'm stuck in here pretending to work while the man pretends along with me...all for what?! I'd be so much more productive and cost effective if they let me come to work from noon to, I dunno, say 3 p.m.?  For the most part, 3 hours is all I need to accomplish my to-do-list anyway.

I don't even know why I waste my poor fingers' energy on these kinds of posts. I think I'll just do what  I do best and go back to daydreaming of being somewhere else while going through the motions of being here.

Oh well, Happy Almost-Friday!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Sporadic thought of the day...

Man, I wish I could get high right now. No, I've never been high, but I swear everyone that has makes it sound so good.

Clearly, it can't be that bad...


Conversation overhead between my BF and his boss:
Boss: Man, you burn? I used to stay burning back in the day...
BF: *almost chokes on coke* Um, nah brother. That's against company policy...
Boss: *side eye and blank stare*
BF: I mean, yeah though...back in the day.
*silence*
*BF sweating bullets*
Boss: LOL!!! That's what I'm talking about brother! What I wouldn't give to be back in the day. *stares into space*
Me: ...WOW, seriously?? *thinking to myself- dammit, where was I when everyone was getting high?!"

Happy Wednesday. If you work a 9 8 to 5 like me, than I certainly hope you're not getting high right now. However, if you're one of the lucky ones spending your 40 hours doing something that doesn't suck the life out of you, I hope you realize that that in itself is all the high you need.

Monday, April 16, 2012

I drank the Kool-Aid...


So I finally discovered Yoga. It. Is. Everything. those creepy hipster, vegans tell you it is. My first visit was a couple weeks ago. I was terribly stressed, at my wits end, and because of poor diet and lack of motion, I was looking more and more like I was carrying an unborn child. Suddenly I thought of my old granola munching roomie, how peaceful she always seemed to be with life, and immediately pulled up the schedule of the yoga studio she use to attend. It was just my luck that they offer a free class on Friday- I was in there!

After a brief adventure in squeezing into spandex and a few awkward introductions, I found myself resting on a borrowed mat in a warm, open space downtown. A few moments later, Tomb Raider sauntered in from a hidden place in the front of the studio and set up shop in the back. Right. Beside. Me. I hated her. I hated her genuinely sweet smile, painted on yoga clothes, and the way her thighs didn't touch. I'm convinced she's an alien. I knew instantly who she was, though. She's like the yoga instructor of all yoga instructors. Fortunately for me, she wasn't leading this particular class. Instead we had some new chick who butchered the instructions. That was fine by me though because I'm pretty sure I matched her in butchering the moves. Nonetheless, an hour later after much grunting, wheezing, and praying, I found myself lying on a communal mat, hot, sweaty, maybe a bit stinky and feeling more at peace than I can ever remember feeling before.

*deep sigh*

It was a truly amazing experience. I left with a new found lightness and a desire to eat hummus and smoke weed. One Popeye's 3-wing combo later and I was over the munchies BUT I still held onto the desire for that constant peace. I may not know why the caged birds sing, but I do know why liberal white people do yoga.

Anyway, there will be lots more to come on my adventures in yoga. I'm also back on the track- the boy is even going with me. I'm determined to get my mind, body, and spirit in order and I'm finally at a place where I'm truly willing to take actions in making it happen.

Happy Monday!!!

XOXO

Monday, March 5, 2012

"Why you gotta be like that? Don't be like that. Cause I deserve better than that..."

totally feeling like this today...except that door should say "Life" instead of just "Boss"...

It's barely 9 a.m. and I'm already near tears. I thought I was passed letting work make me cry, but I'm there. I can feel the heat behind my face. I refuse to blink because blinking always leads to tears. I'm wearing a plastered smile and wishing to float through this day without stepping on any toes and without anyone stepping on mine. My plans to leave have been a bit altered since the S.O. has decided he'd like to move here instead.

*deep sigh*

As this job would be double the money for him, I'd never discourage the move, but I can't say that I'm not a bit disappointed. It's not final yet so there's still a chance...but I feel like an awful person for holding out hope against what he desires.

The thing is, I'm 2 clicks past miserable right about now. This. Job. Devours. Life. The people in it don't care that you're miserable because they're miserable too. And misery loves company.

I feel like it's breaking my spirit. I say "breaking" instead of "broken" because I still have a bit of fight left in me. You know, I don't know anyone who does this job- that actually works- who isn't borderline miserable. It makes you bitter to be spit on everyday. No matter what you do, it's never right...it's never enough. I've started some projects but the daily defeat I experience here robs me of the strength to heartily pursue anything else. I know this is not the way God would have me live my life.

I've got to get out...I've made a promise to myself to get out. My one and only goal this year is to love myself more. I feel like that is going to be the key to solving all other issues in my life... Can't help but be.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

...for the sake of writing SOMETHING!

Me for the past 42 days...

I've started no less than about 15 posts since the last time I talked to you. I just.can't.finish.them. I don't know what my problem is. Could be that I'm extremely busy at work and don't really have the time, therefore am easily distracted. Or it could be that I don't really care about what I'm writing, thus I lose interest quickly. The point is, I just haven't been able to complete a post so instead of trying to fix it, i'm just going to sum up a few of my 2012 almostposts with these nice bullets below- in no particular order:

*Whitney gone. I cried real tears about this and am not ashamed to say so.

*The misadventures of Valentine's Day this year turned out beautifully. I received wonderful flower arrangements from the boy and the 'rents and tear filled calls of thanks from each of them and my sister for the unexpected V-day packages I'd sent them.

*I've gained a bit more weight in all the right places and feeling super sex-say.

*"Facebook official?! Oh Lord, where's my Xanax?"

*I'm officially "down with the swirl" and my and the boy's families are ALL about it. No one is more surprised by anything in that statement than me.

*Someone please explain to me why Facebook can't leave well enough alone.

*They said you'd know true love when you found it. They did not, however, say what it was you were supposed to do with it :-/

Ok, that's it for now. I promise you they would have been riveting reads had I actually finished them. At some point I hope to be back to my regular routine. I envy my friends who are able to stick with this sort of thing but I'm proud of myself for being as consistent as I had been for a while. Nonetheless, It's all good over here. I'm good. Life is good. Love is good. I'm *this* much closer to my move to Baton Rouge (did I mention this yet? I'm sure it was apart of yet another unpublished post. my bad...) and I'm all kinds of anxious. I'm nervous about being in such close and constant proximity to the boy, but my readiness to get the heck out of dodge overrides it a bit.

Did I mention he found a ring? Did I mention he was looking for a ring? Have I even mentioned that it was serious enough to even be discussing jewelry. *deep sigh* My bad...again.

Oh well, that's all for now. I hope you're happy and full of joy! Until next time, Love, Peace, and Soul. Damn. Don gone, too. SMH.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

*PSA*

She could have at least had the decency to send me to WebMD...

I know, I've been noticeably absent...and I don't plan on reappearing anytime soon but I just really needed to reemerge to tell this story.

Around this time last year I got some horrible news from my doctor. Not only did she deliver me a blow, she also didn't give me much of an explanation but told me I could "Google it if I wanted to know more." Only recently did I crawl out of my depression just long enough to schedule an annual appointment with a new doctor. Instantly he made me feel at ease and so resolutely, with kleenex in hand, I informed him of the report from my previous doctor. He handed me more tissues and asked me if he could request and review my medical records before we discussed it. That was two weeks ago. Fast forward to 10 a.m. today. Long story short, my new doctor told me that I had been misinformed AND misdiagnosed.

*insert black stare and jaw drop*

For over a year I've been functionally depressed over this and the effects it's had on those I care about. The doctor ended his report with a "You're good, get out of here. I'll see you in a year!"

*deep sigh*. God is good. And if you don't believe it for yourself, take my word for it.

And while I'm here, let me please emphasize the importance of an excellent doctor. If giving his name wouldn't totally expose my whereabouts, I'd tell you. But that doesn't matter really because Jesus is the best doctor of all and He is truly the reason for my good news today.