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| An accurate description- if you switch the position of the bride and groom... |
Anyway, let me just go ahead and hit you with the brick that will be this post.
1. I called off my engagement...a month and a half ago.
2. I KNEW I was going to end it THREE months ago. Are you doing the math?
3. I sadly and reluctantly left Texas...indefinitely...without a job...for reasons that I'm not yet comfortable disclosing here.
4. I knew much of this would happen even as I was announcing the engagement to you. Don't be mad at me!
Very, very bad things happened in my relationship. I could give a month long workshop on the madness that had been my life for the past month to educate and help some of you, but I'd like to think you all would be smarter than me if you had been in my situation. I'd always thought that I would have been smarter in my situation. I will say this though- while I will contribute much of the awful things my ex did to me to his own insecurities, I will also admit that I actively allowed much of it to happen due to my own insecurities in thinking that the lack of commitment from my previous partners was my fault. It wasn't. The one thing my ex did right was recognizing the awesome and devoted woman that I am. Unfortunately, he recognized it so much so that his love and security turned into violent obsession and paranoia. *shudders*
I'm finally writing about this, for one, because I am just now ABLE to write about it. Also, I absolutely abhor journaling but confession is so very good for the soul.
I took and am continuing to take away many lessons from this experience.
Family and God-sent friends are priceless! My God is so amazing. Through all that I went through, never did he leave or forsake me. When my family couldn't reach me, protect me, be with me, he placed a carefully assigned friend in their stead. In the middle of experiencing what real love wasn't, I found out exactly was true love is. It's not getting along all the time. It's not agreeing on everything. It's not about meaningless words and constant reassurance. It's all the other stuff. It's what remains while you're busy yapping about crap that doesn't matter. It's about waking up at 4 a.m. to meet someone you haven't talked to in a week at the hospital because you know they need you. It's about wanting what's best for someone even when you're mad at them. It's the knowing that they would do the same for you. It's recognizing that you'd rather not have a life that doesn't have this person in it. You know you could do it, but you'd just rather not.
As I'm writing this, I'm crying. As I emerge out of the bitterness and anger that temporarily enveloped me through my whole ordeal, I am realizing the importance of expression and communication. I lost a really good friend this past week (not the ex-fiance). Actually, he was one of, if not my best friend. Over the past 8 years, we developed and engaged in a very muddied and complicated companionship. Often the necessary words were left unsaid,or said to late. While actions mean more than words, words are still important. Without them, false assumptions evolve into unchangeable realities. And eventually, after several misunderstandings, unexpressed hurt feelings, and heartaches later, relationships end.
I don't know if I will ever get this friend back, but this is a worthy heartbreak- the pain of which I am willing to bear.I will not despise not one tear that I shed for him nor will I hate our mutual realization of the many mistakes we made in mishandling our friendship. We powered through like champs though. Unfortunately, we began at a time when we were too young to truly understand the powerful dynamics between a man and a woman who genuinely love each other in a way not directly addressed by society, our parents, or even in the movies. We had no example of what we were supposed to be, no model to follow... so we constantly found ourselves forcing our way into boxes in which we didn't fit.
I have no way of knowing if our friendship was meant to survive. Maybe it would have been forced to dissolve in the face of us finding our true significant others. Maybe it would have blossomed, transforming and adjusting to each phase of our life. What I do know though is that the past 8 years could have been so much more precious if we had simply been more willing and able to express ourselves.
I can't change that situation at this point, but I can change myself. From this point on, I will not allow fear to control me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing your love for someone. They can reject it. They may not even respond. But at the end of the day, I'd rather you know that I loved you and not care than for you to be left wondering...
