Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Cause growin' up IS hard...

"Seriously, it's not you. It's me..."

A co-worker told me I looked "very grown up" today. And she was right. I can admit that I do look quite cute and professional today. More than that, I look like a woman who shouldn't be insulted if someone guessed her age as 30. And I suppose this might all be a good thing.

Not only is growing up hard, it's weird. And I mean, It is time, I guess... I've been doing very grownup things lately, having grownup discussions, and planning a grownup life. It's liberating but then again extremely frightening. It's like, I know in the back of mind that once I give in to adulthood, accept that I'm old, that there is no going back. And I don't know how to feel about that. Part of me wishes I was back in kindergarten. Another larger part is looking at my childhood and screaming, "Good riddance!"

I know everyone is like, "26 is not old" but it kinda is. I'm still usually the youngest in the room but I'm far from being the baby. And while I love to be taken care of by the people around me, I find myself wanting or craving that treatment less and less. These days I look to my friends for conversation and motivation, the parents and guy for hugs and kisses, and the little sis- well now my main concern is to make sure I offer her the same things that were offered to me- at the least. But again, being taken care of is no longer a concern. I can take care of myself. I work my own job, pay my own bills, make my own doctor's appointments. I'm excited about marriage not because I finally have a man to make my world right, but because I'm excited to finally have a man to share my good life with. I have fantasies about cooking my guy breakfast, sending him to work with a snack, secretly replacing the cologne he left in a hotel bathroom while on business... I daydream about coming home to my parents house bearing gifts at Christmas, taking my dad out to lunch and sending my mom a bit of cash in the mail just because... I can't wait to visit my little sis at her own place after dropping the kids off at granny's so we can tire ourselves out after only 15 minutes of the Michael Jackson Experience. The thought of my dad and husband taking turns trying to teach my son how to throw a football makes my face hot and almost brings tears to my eyes. *deep sigh* Closing on our first home, snapping pics with my sis at her master's graduation, being introduced at my new job as the boss, explaining to my 3 year old daughter that she's not white, she's just light skinned, lol. These things make me smile.

And then I see myself holding my husband or him holding me during the loss of a loved one. I imagine him squeezing my hand tight while the doctor delivers some unfortunate news. I see us praying together...me storming off after a fight, him not chasing after me for a change. I see business ventures falling through, disintegrating friendships, spiritual setbacks. But I see myself handling these things.

I see life, the good and the bad, and I look forward to it all. I look forward to watching my parents grow old all I while I petition God for their immortality. I look forward to late night catch ups with the BFF, screaming matches and late night snacks with the hubby, business trips to Europe, and family vacations at the beach.

Simply, I look FORWARD. And because of this, even though I hesitate, I understand the necessity of and am finally ready to let go of the past.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Paying it forward...

Quite possibly the greatest argument for and simultaneously against friendship...EVER
This past weekend consisted of the some of the longest two days of my life. I agreed to help a friend with her little side project this weekend which actually turned out to be two 14 hour days of loading boxes and manning her natural haircare, health and fitness booth. It also turns out that my friend is apparently some famous blogger/YouTube personality who is ranked nationally as a Top 5 vlogger/blogger. I didn't know this when I met her. I just thought she was cute and wanted to be her friend, and according to her, she thought the same about me. *shrug*

Anyway, I took 3 hours of MY vacation in order to head straight from work to Houston on Friday and was not returned to my apartment until about 11 p.m. last night. And now I'm back at work. Blogging about it. *deep sigh*. I am so incredibly tired. There was no payoff for hocking products I'd never even seen let alone used until that day. There was no work pardon for helping a friend. There was only the satisfaction of knowing that I'd helped a friend in need without asking for or honestly expecting anything in return. And that is enough...really. And even though I'm exhausted and came home without so much as a free sample, I feel like I learned so much and was actually kind of inspired. This girl has SOOOOOO much going on I don't know how she manages to function! She's a tenure track professor and apparently some natural hair community celebrity. She also lost over 100 pounds five years ago and had people crying over their funnel cakes in front of our booth with stories about how she's changing lives- and all the while she still manages to be my completely down-to-earth fun new friend who calls to have dinner dates with me and never ending chats about boys, love, and life. With all the incredible chaos going on in her life, she still finds time to care about the little bit that's going on in mine.

I'm smiling now as I realize that this is one of the best illustrations of what exactly friends were created for. they make you tired, they ask ridiculous favors, the make you hold their pet poodle in your lap on two hour car rides...but then, they let you make them tired and ask ridiculous favors in return. And when you think about it, having fun being tired and ridiculous is not too bad a way to spend a big chunk of your time.

Anyway, Happy Monday. Show your friends you care by asking something impossible of them and then volunteer to do something equally impossible for them in return. They'll appreciate you for it and you'll have something to laugh at later when it all hits the fan. :-)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

*singing in the rain*

I'd say he's pretty happy
I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy! I just wanted to share that. Because I'm happy, and busy, I haven't had time to give any updates/stories. BUT, as soon as things settle down and my company leaves, I'm sure I'll have plenty to chit chat about. In the meantime, I hope you're having a wonderful day and most importantly, I hope you're embracing the wonderful things that life is handing you! You'd be surprised how many of us turn away our blessings. I mean, literally! Life says, "here ya go" and we say, "not today, life. Maybe in uh...6 months???" Next thing ya know, our blessing is being is being soaked up by the next man.

Not everything happens for a reason, ya know? And sometimes, things happen simply because we make them.

Terrific Tuesday!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Ignorance and trusting God- is it possible to have one without the other?

Pop Quiz:
This is a picture of _____
a) a serial killer caught in the act
b)a serial killer's ticket to Heaven.

Interesting conversation with a friend of mine... It was lunch time and in turning down some flan, I absentmindedly mentioned I was fasting. It wasn't meant to impress her or make her think. I didn't even mean to say it. But it was true. And I didn't think it was a big deal.

Her response: "What would your mother say if you called her and told her you were refusing to eat in order to prove your love to her?"

I stared blankly at her. I honestly didn't have an answer. When she put it that way, it sounded like a horrible expectation to place upon someone you love. Further conversation with this friend revealed that not only did she use to be a masseuse in another life but that she was also a practicing Buddhist.  More blank stares. Oddly enough though, it made sense when I thought about it. She totally seems like that type. The funny thing is though as the she and I are a lot alike. A LOT alike. Which really set my brain in overdrive.

Everybody knows I loves me some Jesus. It's no secret. But I wonder if anyone knows that part of the reason I love Him so much is because I'm terrified not to? I mean, my religion has taught me to fear God first, love Him later. It also taught me that if you don't belong to Church of God in Christ, slide across the floor in your Sunday's best, and scream sweet nothings to Heaven in Mandarin, then you are going to Hell. Also, if you ever try to learn about another faith, let alone consider it, you will not pass go but will be immediately banished to Hell. And trust me when I tell you, I can already feel the flames up to my knees due to my premarital sex, binge drinking, and dirty mouth. Don't get me started on my recent conversations and  contemplation on shacking up.

With all the creeds, stipulations, laws, restrictions, etc... it's a wonder anybody will make it to Heaven. The Bible does say that,"the righteous shall barely make it in." In then goes on to say that, "your righteousness is as filthy rags." Later it says, "none are righteous, no not one."

I'll allow you to chew on that for a minute. If you have even the least amount of comprehension skills, you'll realize that the Bible says we're all going to Hell. Unless of course you accept the fact that God impregnated a virgin in order to come to earth as a man named Jesus who then decided to let the world kill only so he could come back to life and chill for a few more days on earth before back to Heaven...And become God again?

*deep sigh*

I'm too hungry to gracefully articulate this- Is it just me or does anyone else call bullshit?

*Please note that I say this only to immediately repent out of fear of damnation.*

I LOVE JESUS! I will never deny this or Him. But sometimes...sometimes, I just don't know what I'm doing or what to think or where to go...The intellectual in me realizes that I do myself a grave disservice to not truly investigate this whole religion thing. Buddhism, Judaism, Islam- these faiths have all been around way too long to not have some- dare I say- validity?? Or at the least, shouldn't I research and understand them just to know what I don't believe???  Instead, I sit in ignorance and sell out completely to a book written -not that long ago compared to the existence of the world- by some stuffy old pedophilic gay men. This book was then forced onto my forefathers by people who considered their existence just a hair greater than that of wild animals- forefathers who then taught my father's father that God doesn't care about black people will let a lot of awful shit happen to you in this life but if you sing spirituals at 4 hour long Sunday services and follow a lot of rules and regulations of which their intentions were never fully and accurately explained to you, then He'll have gold streets and mansions waiting for you on the other side. Maybe... considering for a while we had been taught that black people had no souls and that even if they made it to Heaven, the would be on the other side of the tracks. Cause Heaven is segregated. Maybe. The Christian part of me feels like even asking these questions are blasphemy, the ultimate betrayal. I feel like I need to go up to the alter for prayer now...


Don't read too much into my race references though. They're relevant but I'm not making the why black people should rethink Christianity argument today. I'm more so reviewing the reasons why people in general jump so blindly and uniformed into one faith without considering all the options. I'm also wondering if there is a special place in Hell for people who died at their computers while Wikipediaing Siddhartha Guatama. Or blogging about questioning Jesus... As my mind trails on, I also wrestle with the absurdity found in the belief that the youth group, Agnostics for Abolishing World Hunger, who are in Africa right now feeding starving children will suffer with Hitler while the guy who shot Biggie and Pac  probably went to church the next Sunday, repented and get to spend an eternity singing Kumbaya with Michael and Gabriel.


And this my friends, is what I am pondering today- or wish I could ponder without guilt and fear crushing my chest like a 67 pound baby.

I need to understand God better. I need to know what He really wants and who He really is. I need to love Him not because I'm terrified not to, but because I know Him so well that I can't help but to love Him. I can only hope that this will be the beginning of some enlightenment. Surely God knows that the intentions of this post was not merely to entertain but to gain some sort of better understanding. Right now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, maybe ever. All that's missing is some serious QT with the man upstairs...

I'll keep ya posted!