Noooo, I don't really wanna get high...

Hey, let's get away...

...on weed, anyway. I wouldn't mind  getting high on life though. It's that time of year again when I get super antsy. And my view of  GAP doesn't help. It's beautiful outside and I'm stuck in here pretending to work while the man pretends along with me...all for what?! I'd be so much more productive and cost effective if they let me come to work from noon to, I dunno, say 3 p.m.?  For the most part, 3 hours is all I need to accomplish my to-do-list anyway.

I don't even know why I waste my poor fingers' energy on these kinds of posts. I think I'll just do what  I do best and go back to daydreaming of being somewhere else while going through the motions of being here.

Oh well, Happy Almost-Friday!!!

Sporadic thought of the day...

Man, I wish I could get high right now. No, I've never been high, but I swear everyone that has makes it sound so good.

Clearly, it can't be that bad...

Conversation overhead between my BF and his boss:
Boss: Man, you burn? I used to stay burning back in the day...
BF: *almost chokes on coke* Um, nah brother. That's against company policy...
Boss: *side eye and blank stare*
BF: I mean, yeah though...back in the day.
*silence*
*BF sweating bullets*
Boss: LOL!!! That's what I'm talking about brother! What I wouldn't give to be back in the day. *stares into space*
Me: ...WOW, seriously?? *thinking to myself- dammit, where was I when everyone was getting high?!"

Happy Wednesday. If you work a 9 8 to 5 like me, than I certainly hope you're not getting high right now. However, if you're one of the lucky ones spending your 40 hours doing something that doesn't suck the life out of you, I hope you realize that that in itself is all the high you need.

I drank the Kool-Aid...

So I finally discovered Yoga. It. Is. Everything. those creepy hipster, vegans tell you it is. My first visit was a couple weeks ago. I was terribly stressed, at my wits end, and because of poor diet and lack of motion, I was looking more and more like I was carrying an unborn child. Suddenly I thought of my old granola munching roomie, how peaceful she always seemed to be with life, and immediately pulled up the schedule of the yoga studio she use to attend. It was just my luck that they offer a free class on Friday- I was in there!

After a brief adventure in squeezing into spandex and a few awkward introductions, I found myself resting on a borrowed mat in a warm, open space downtown. A few moments later, Tomb Raider sauntered in from a hidden place in the front of the studio and set up shop in the back. Right. Beside. Me. I hated her. I hated her genuinely sweet smile, painted on yoga clothes, and the way her thighs didn't touch. I'm convinced she's an alien. I knew instantly who she was, though. She's like the yoga instructor of all yoga instructors. Fortunately for me, she wasn't leading this particular class. Instead we had some new chick who butchered the instructions. That was fine by me though because I'm pretty sure I matched her in butchering the moves. Nonetheless, an hour later after much grunting, wheezing, and praying, I found myself lying on a communal mat, hot, sweaty, maybe a bit stinky and feeling more at peace than I can ever remember feeling before.

*deep sigh*

It was a truly amazing experience. I left with a new found lightness and a desire to eat hummus and smoke weed. One Popeye's 3-wing combo later and I was over the munchies BUT I still held onto the desire for that constant peace. I may not know why the caged birds sing, but I do know why liberal white people do yoga.

Anyway, there will be lots more to come on my adventures in yoga. I'm also back on the track- the boy is even going with me. I'm determined to get my mind, body, and spirit in order and I'm finally at a place where I'm truly willing to take actions in making it happen.

Happy Monday!!!

XOXO

"Why you gotta be like that? Don't be like that. Cause I deserve better than that..."

totally feeling like this today...except that door should say "Life" instead of just "Boss"...

It's barely 9 a.m. and I'm already near tears. I thought I was passed letting work make me cry, but I'm there. I can feel the heat behind my face. I refuse to blink because blinking always leads to tears. I'm wearing a plastered smile and wishing to float through this day without stepping on any toes and without anyone stepping on mine. My plans to leave have been a bit altered since the S.O. has decided he'd like to move here instead.

*deep sigh*

As this job would be double the money for him, I'd never discourage the move, but I can't say that I'm not a bit disappointed. It's not final yet so there's still a chance...but I feel like an awful person for holding out hope against what he desires.

The thing is, I'm 2 clicks past miserable right about now. This. Job. Devours. Life. The people in it don't care that you're miserable because they're miserable too. And misery loves company.

I feel like it's breaking my spirit. I say "breaking" instead of "broken" because I still have a bit of fight left in me. You know, I don't know anyone who does this job- that actually works- who isn't borderline miserable. It makes you bitter to be spit on everyday. No matter what you do, it's never right...it's never enough. I've started some projects but the daily defeat I experience here robs me of the strength to heartily pursue anything else. I know this is not the way God would have me live my life.

I've got to get out...I've made a promise to myself to get out. My one and only goal this year is to love myself more. I feel like that is going to be the key to solving all other issues in my life... Can't help but be.

...for the sake of writing SOMETHING!

Me for the past 42 days...

I've started no less than about 15 posts since the last time I talked to you. I just.can't.finish.them. I don't know what my problem is. Could be that I'm extremely busy at work and don't really have the time, therefore am easily distracted. Or it could be that I don't really care about what I'm writing, thus I lose interest quickly. The point is, I just haven't been able to complete a post so instead of trying to fix it, i'm just going to sum up a few of my 2012 almostposts with these nice bullets below- in no particular order:

*Whitney gone. I cried real tears about this and am not ashamed to say so.

*The misadventures of Valentine's Day this year turned out beautifully. I received wonderful flower arrangements from the boy and the 'rents and tear filled calls of thanks from each of them and my sister for the unexpected V-day packages I'd sent them.

*I've gained a bit more weight in all the right places and feeling super sex-say.

*"Facebook official?! Oh Lord, where's my Xanax?"

*I'm officially "down with the swirl" and my and the boy's families are ALL about it. No one is more surprised by anything in that statement than me.

*Someone please explain to me why Facebook can't leave well enough alone.

*They said you'd know true love when you found it. They did not, however, say what it was you were supposed to do with it :-/

Ok, that's it for now. I promise you they would have been riveting reads had I actually finished them. At some point I hope to be back to my regular routine. I envy my friends who are able to stick with this sort of thing but I'm proud of myself for being as consistent as I had been for a while. Nonetheless, It's all good over here. I'm good. Life is good. Love is good. I'm *this* much closer to my move to Baton Rouge (did I mention this yet? I'm sure it was apart of yet another unpublished post. my bad...) and I'm all kinds of anxious. I'm nervous about being in such close and constant proximity to the boy, but my readiness to get the heck out of dodge overrides it a bit.

Did I mention he found a ring? Did I mention he was looking for a ring? Have I even mentioned that it was serious enough to even be discussing jewelry. *deep sigh* My bad...again.

Oh well, that's all for now. I hope you're happy and full of joy! Until next time, Love, Peace, and Soul. Damn. Don gone, too. SMH.

*PSA*

She could have at least had the decency to send me to WebMD...

I know, I've been noticeably absent...and I don't plan on reappearing anytime soon but I just really needed to reemerge to tell this story.

Around this time last year I got some horrible news from my doctor. Not only did she deliver me a blow, she also didn't give me much of an explanation but told me I could "Google it if I wanted to know more." Only recently did I crawl out of my depression just long enough to schedule an annual appointment with a new doctor. Instantly he made me feel at ease and so resolutely, with kleenex in hand, I informed him of the report from my previous doctor. He handed me more tissues and asked me if he could request and review my medical records before we discussed it. That was two weeks ago. Fast forward to 10 a.m. today. Long story short, my new doctor told me that I had been misinformed AND misdiagnosed.

*insert black stare and jaw drop*

For over a year I've been functionally depressed over this and the effects it's had on those I care about. The doctor ended his report with a "You're good, get out of here. I'll see you in a year!"

*deep sigh*. God is good. And if you don't believe it for yourself, take my word for it.

And while I'm here, let me please emphasize the importance of an excellent doctor. If giving his name wouldn't totally expose my whereabouts, I'd tell you. But that doesn't matter really because Jesus is the best doctor of all and He is truly the reason for my good news today.

Cause growin' up IS hard...

"Seriously, it's not you. It's me..."

A co-worker told me I looked "very grown up" today. And she was right. I can admit that I do look quite cute and professional today. More than that, I look like a woman who shouldn't be insulted if someone guessed her age as 30. And I suppose this might all be a good thing.

Not only is growing up hard, it's weird. And I mean, It is time, I guess... I've been doing very grownup things lately, having grownup discussions, and planning a grownup life. It's liberating but then again extremely frightening. It's like, I know in the back of mind that once I give in to adulthood, accept that I'm old, that there is no going back. And I don't know how to feel about that. Part of me wishes I was back in kindergarten. Another larger part is looking at my childhood and screaming, "Good riddance!"

I know everyone is like, "26 is not old" but it kinda is. I'm still usually the youngest in the room but I'm far from being the baby. And while I love to be taken care of by the people around me, I find myself wanting or craving that treatment less and less. These days I look to my friends for conversation and motivation, the parents and guy for hugs and kisses, and the little sis- well now my main concern is to make sure I offer her the same things that were offered to me- at the least. But again, being taken care of is no longer a concern. I can take care of myself. I work my own job, pay my own bills, make my own doctor's appointments. I'm excited about marriage not because I finally have a man to make my world right, but because I'm excited to finally have a man to share my good life with. I have fantasies about cooking my guy breakfast, sending him to work with a snack, secretly replacing the cologne he left in a hotel bathroom while on business... I daydream about coming home to my parents house bearing gifts at Christmas, taking my dad out to lunch and sending my mom a bit of cash in the mail just because... I can't wait to visit my little sis at her own place after dropping the kids off at granny's so we can tire ourselves out after only 15 minutes of the Michael Jackson Experience. The thought of my dad and husband taking turns trying to teach my son how to throw a football makes my face hot and almost brings tears to my eyes. *deep sigh* Closing on our first home, snapping pics with my sis at her master's graduation, being introduced at my new job as the boss, explaining to my 3 year old daughter that she's not white, she's just light skinned, lol. These things make me smile.

And then I see myself holding my husband or him holding me during the loss of a loved one. I imagine him squeezing my hand tight while the doctor delivers some unfortunate news. I see us praying together...me storming off after a fight, him not chasing after me for a change. I see business ventures falling through, disintegrating friendships, spiritual setbacks. But I see myself handling these things.

I see life, the good and the bad, and I look forward to it all. I look forward to watching my parents grow old all I while I petition God for their immortality. I look forward to late night catch ups with the BFF, screaming matches and late night snacks with the hubby, business trips to Europe, and family vacations at the beach.

Simply, I look FORWARD. And because of this, even though I hesitate, I understand the necessity of and am finally ready to let go of the past.

Paying it forward...

Quite possibly the greatest argument for and simultaneously against friendship...EVER

This past weekend consisted of the some of the longest two days of my life. I agreed to help a friend with her little side project this weekend which actually turned out to be two 14 hour days of loading boxes and manning her natural haircare, health and fitness booth. It also turns out that my friend is apparently some famous blogger/YouTube personality who is ranked nationally as a Top 5 vlogger/blogger. I didn't know this when I met her. I just thought she was cute and wanted to be her friend, and according to her, she thought the same about me. *shrug*

Anyway, I took 3 hours of MY vacation in order to head straight from work to Houston on Friday and was not returned to my apartment until about 11 p.m. last night. And now I'm back at work. Blogging about it. *deep sigh*. I am so incredibly tired. There was no payoff for hocking products I'd never even seen let alone used until that day. There was no work pardon for helping a friend. There was only the satisfaction of knowing that I'd helped a friend in need without asking for or honestly expecting anything in return. And that is enough...really. And even though I'm exhausted and came home without so much as a free sample, I feel like I learned so much and was actually kind of inspired. This girl has SOOOOOO much going on I don't know how she manages to function! She's a tenure track professor and apparently some natural hair community celebrity. She also lost over 100 pounds five years ago and had people crying over their funnel cakes in front of our booth with stories about how she's changing lives- and all the while she still manages to be my completely down-to-earth fun new friend who calls to have dinner dates with me and never ending chats about boys, love, and life. With all the incredible chaos going on in her life, she still finds time to care about the little bit that's going on in mine.

I'm smiling now as I realize that this is one of the best illustrations of what exactly friends were created for. they make you tired, they ask ridiculous favors, the make you hold their pet poodle in your lap on two hour car rides...but then, they let you make them tired and ask ridiculous favors in return. And when you think about it, having fun being tired and ridiculous is not too bad a way to spend a big chunk of your time.

Anyway, Happy Monday. Show your friends you care by asking something impossible of them and then volunteer to do something equally impossible for them in return. They'll appreciate you for it and you'll have something to laugh at later when it all hits the fan. :-)

Ignorance and trusting God- is it possible to have one without the other?

Pop Quiz:
This is a picture of _____
a) a serial killer caught in the act
b)a serial killer's ticket to Heaven.

Interesting conversation with a friend of mine... It was lunch time and in turning down some flan, I absentmindedly mentioned I was fasting. It wasn't meant to impress her or make her think. I didn't even mean to say it. But it was true. And I didn't think it was a big deal.

Her response: "What would your mother say if you called her and told her you were refusing to eat in order to prove your love to her?"

I stared blankly at her. I honestly didn't have an answer. When she put it that way, it sounded like a horrible expectation to place upon someone you love. Further conversation with this friend revealed that not only did she use to be a masseuse in another life but that she was also a practicing Buddhist.  More blank stares. Oddly enough though, it made sense when I thought about it. She totally seems like that type. The funny thing is though as the she and I are a lot alike. A LOT alike. Which really set my brain in overdrive.

Everybody knows I loves me some Jesus. It's no secret. But I wonder if anyone knows that part of the reason I love Him so much is because I'm terrified not to? I mean, my religion has taught me to fear God first, love Him later. It also taught me that if you don't belong to Church of God in Christ, slide across the floor in your Sunday's best, and scream sweet nothings to Heaven in Mandarin, then you are going to Hell. Also, if you ever try to learn about another faith, let alone consider it, you will not pass go but will be immediately banished to Hell. And trust me when I tell you, I can already feel the flames up to my knees due to my premarital sex, binge drinking, and dirty mouth. Don't get me started on my recent conversations and  contemplation on shacking up.

With all the creeds, stipulations, laws, restrictions, etc... it's a wonder anybody will make it to Heaven. The Bible does say that,"the righteous shall barely make it in." In then goes on to say that, "your righteousness is as filthy rags." Later it says, "none are righteous, no not one."

I'll allow you to chew on that for a minute. If you have even the least amount of comprehension skills, you'll realize that the Bible says we're all going to Hell. Unless of course you accept the fact that God impregnated a virgin in order to come to earth as a man named Jesus who then decided to let the world kill only so he could come back to life and chill for a few more days on earth before back to Heaven...And become God again?

*deep sigh*

I'm too hungry to gracefully articulate this- Is it just me or does anyone else call bullshit?

*Please note that I say this only to immediately repent out of fear of damnation.*

I LOVE JESUS! I will never deny this or Him. But sometimes...sometimes, I just don't know what I'm doing or what to think or where to go...The intellectual in me realizes that I do myself a grave disservice to not truly investigate this whole religion thing. Buddhism, Judaism, Islam- these faiths have all been around way too long to not have some- dare I say- validity?? Or at the least, shouldn't I research and understand them just to know what I don't believe???  Instead, I sit in ignorance and sell out completely to a book written -not that long ago compared to the existence of the world- by some stuffy old pedophilic gay men. This book was then forced onto my forefathers by people who considered their existence just a hair greater than that of wild animals- forefathers who then taught my father's father that God doesn't care about black people will let a lot of awful shit happen to you in this life but if you sing spirituals at 4 hour long Sunday services and follow a lot of rules and regulations of which their intentions were never fully and accurately explained to you, then He'll have gold streets and mansions waiting for you on the other side. Maybe... considering for a while we had been taught that black people had no souls and that even if they made it to Heaven, the would be on the other side of the tracks. Cause Heaven is segregated. Maybe. The Christian part of me feels like even asking these questions are blasphemy, the ultimate betrayal. I feel like I need to go up to the alter for prayer now...


Don't read too much into my race references though. They're relevant but I'm not making the why black people should rethink Christianity argument today. I'm more so reviewing the reasons why people in general jump so blindly and uniformed into one faith without considering all the options. I'm also wondering if there is a special place in Hell for people who died at their computers while Wikipediaing Siddhartha Guatama. Or blogging about questioning Jesus... As my mind trails on, I also wrestle with the absurdity found in the belief that the youth group, Agnostics for Abolishing World Hunger, who are in Africa right now feeding starving children will suffer with Hitler while the guy who shot Biggie and Pac  probably went to church the next Sunday, repented and get to spend an eternity singing Kumbaya with Michael and Gabriel.


And this my friends, is what I am pondering today- or wish I could ponder without guilt and fear crushing my chest like a 67 pound baby.

I need to understand God better. I need to know what He really wants and who He really is. I need to love Him not because I'm terrified not to, but because I know Him so well that I can't help but to love Him. I can only hope that this will be the beginning of some enlightenment. Surely God knows that the intentions of this post was not merely to entertain but to gain some sort of better understanding. Right now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, maybe ever. All that's missing is some serious QT with the man upstairs...

I'll keep ya posted!

"Baby, you're so special, you should be on the cover of the Special K box."

#winning

They say time flies when you're having fun. If that's true than time for me has gone by faster than universities can turn out pedophiles and sexual predators. Too soon? Probably. And man, do I feel good?! My weekend away was WONDERFUL. It was just...everything *said dreamily with doe eyes*. I just feel so lucky and blessed. :-). And then, Thanksgiving was wonderfully restful. I may have put on actual clothes once over my four day break. Anyway, it was so nice that I managed to make it to work today on time and without the usual taste of bitterness in my mouth. I'd call that a #win.

But honestly, I think my uplifted mood comes more from knowing that my time here is steadily and speedily coming to an end. Fortunately, the new digs will be halfway between here and home so I get to make new friends and keep my old ones AND be closer to my sweet mommy (and the pops and sis of course).

It's kind of amazing how the course of your life can change in the blink of an eye. And yes, tomorrow could overturn all our current plans. But that's ok. Because in actuality, all I ever really have is today anyway. And today I am extremely happy and excited about the future. It's full of all the things I've ever wanted and it's so close I can touch it. In a world full of sadness and disappointment, where good people die young and murderers live to be 100, it makes no sense to dwell on the unfortunate things you can not change. We're all going to die anyway, and few of us will be ready to go back with Jesus when He comes so the least we could do is try to live the short time that we have happy. *shrug* All you can do is think it over, talk about it with Jesus and pray that you really heard him say yes (or no) and forge ahead.

Anyway, it's time to get back in the groove of things. Only three working weeks this month and thanks to a special guest this coming weekend, I'm already feeling pleasantly unfocused. :-)

Happy Monday! Make it count. Be present in your life and live the hell outta it!

Thank God for context clues.

How many of us have them...friends.

You know, I think people really take for granted how awesome it is to find animals people that get you. I spend so much of my life feeling misunderstood and misrepresented, that when I find someone that actually interprets what I say in the way that I meant it, I latch onto them like crazy glue. And let me tell, it's not easy to understand me. Well, I think that anyway. Last night an old friend and I were chatting about the new guy. He asked me if I thought it would last. I gave him an honest answers- "Only God knows." I mean, at the moment, this guy seems to get me. I've shown myself completely and he still likes me. All of me. But still, I don't know where it's going. Although, we do have a lot of fun coming up with all the possible scenarios together.

That last detail shocked my friend. He's spent the last few years listening to my sad stories about what might not be that he seemed to be pleasantly surprised to see that I was returning to the hopeless romantic that I once was.

Kind of... You see, this old friend is one of the few people that actually gets me. In a different world, we likely would have been perfect together. But, in college he cheated on me, got a girl- who apparently couldn't stand me- pregnant, married said girl, divorced her, and then shows up 3 years later, new baby in tow, declaring that I was always The ONE and asking for a second chance. *deep sigh*. I have a bleeding heart so I forgave him, went out on date with him, and even played Barbie with the kid.

Needless to say, it didn't work out. I'd been in a long-term relationship since him and honestly, by the time he came back around I'd gotten over him. It's a weird dynamic that we have now. I do love him. I don't have to explain myself or qualify my statements when I talk to him. We NEVER fight. I can't remember a time that we ever did, actually. Even that time he cheated... BUT, I also never miss him. Or wonder what he's doing. Or have a desire to call him. But, as long as he calls me I'll always answer. And I'll always listen to whatever story he has to tell- he ALWAYS has a story.

But my point is not about him in particular, I'm just using him as an example because I talked to him last night. My point is that I have a nice little collection of people like that in my life. For whatever reason, we just clicked. I was me and they were they and together we were good. I'd say off the wall shit, and they'd totally understand. They would do things that were completely beyond my realm of understanding and we'd laugh about it. Some of these people I talk to everyday. A few are like the friend above. And one of them, I'll likely marry. No matter the dynamic, each of them have a place in my heart that could never be filled by anyone else but them. And that's special y'all.

I don't know. I consider myself a person that is hard to get to know but easy to love. And if you don't love me, it's because you really don't know me. Cause, if you knew me, you'd know that knowing me means that I really love you!!! And who doesn't love someone that really loves them?! Crazy people? You don't want to be a crazy person, do you? So, I guess this is my ode to those handful of people that really get me. Thank you, to those of you who understand that my adventures in racism are actually my fervent attempt at growth and enlightenment. Thank you to those who understand my failed attempts at transitioning to natural hair was symbolic of my attempt at gaining confidence and embracing all the aspects of me that society would have me to believe were not that great, but in actuality were AWESOME. And thank you to those same people who didn't judge me when I fell off the wagon and went back to the creamy crack. Thank you to those who know when and WHAT to ignore, and when and what to address. Thank you for never forgetting that even though I try to maintain a hard shell, it's candy thin and I'm still just a big ball of pudding inside. And a super special thank you to the ones who still think I'm cute after seeing the ugliest part of me.

I could go on. But those of you who get me don't need me to. And those of you who don't...well this wasn't for you anyway.

Happy Thursday to you. Happy Friday to me. Because, you know, today is my Friday. Because I'm off tomorrow. So, I probably won't talk to you again until next week.

So. Bye.

Or rather, TTYL.

Ok.

peace out.

Bosses should be required to take extra vacation...

Someone left "Isn't She Lovely" on my voicemail today. It's the little things y'all. Definitely needed a pick me up since I have had the increasing urge all day to strangle my boss. Of course I'd never... Then again, she better not let me catch her slippin...

It's all pretty ironic though that she unknowingly picks the week that I'm chewing on a job offer to go all postal. Lucky for her, I now have more reasons to stay than leave. Unlucky for her though, I've now got my mind set on somewhere else. And when I let my mind wander off into elaborate visions of what might one day be, I let out a deep sigh...cause nothing else even matters. I'm good. Life is good. :)

It's really quite amazing y'all. I'm fighting a bladder infection- which means no alcohol, my boss is a sociopath, and my apartment is a wreck and I'm going out of town in two days! BUT, I'm happy. I'm calm. I am pretty relaxed. Tomorrow might suck, but today...today is a great day.

Easy come, easy go...

Yay! Just what I wanted...

Hi guys. I think my need for this blog is coming to end- well this blog in particular anyway. A lot of things have changed in my life and my writing is sure to reflect it. And, well...what I have to say just really isn't suited for a place called "Cause growin' up is hard..." anymore. That's not to say my life has suddenly become perfect- it hasn't. But I'm different. Things are different. My reactions are different. And right now, even though I'm completely exhausted from my D.C. trip and extremely conflicted about the job offer I just received 4 months after I applied, I am incredibly happy. I got a ticket on the way back from Houston. It was at night, I'd just gotten off a 3.5 hour plane ride with the dreaded middle seat, and I'm pretty sure I was talking to God the whole way home. I'd seen the blue lights behind me about 5 minutes prior to actually pulling over. I thought it was an ambulance so I slowed down and changed lanes. Then I thought- damn, this ambulance could have passed me already! Then it finally dawned on me. "Oh...shit."

Everybody knows getting a ticket can fuck up your entire night, week, and even month if they catch during that "if-I-can-just-make-it-to-pay-day" period. I wish I could give you the extreme play-by-play which would surely entertain you, but I can't. Five minutes after pulling back onto the highway, I got a phone call and heard a voice that pulled me right back to my happy place and managed to keep me there even after getting home and reading the guide that told me my ticket would cost me $224. Now if you know me and how I feel about money, I'm sure you want to give the person that accomplished that a prize right now. Lucky for you, he thinks the prize is me. So you're off the hook ;-).

I feel...something. I know what it is. I just can't say it yet. But soon...

Oh well, here's to another Friday post. You'll hear from me again. November is just super crazy for me, but in a good way. As soon as I get back to myself, we'll chat again. I won't quit you. I'm just evolving...but I promise to take you with me. :)

"I got one question for ya. Is you happy?" - T.I. King of the South

Me too, girl in green dress. Me too...

I'm so happy. I wish I had more time to tell you all about what's got me feeling this way. But I kinda don't, lol. My calendar is so incredibly full for the month of November- I'm out of state 3 weekends in a row and still adding crap. But I'm happy. For the first time, I'm not stalking job sites in other cities and states (...well one, lol. But that's another story for another day (-; ). I'm good where I'm at. Life has sped up to a comfortably exciting pace and a new adventure has me feeling...things I've never felt before- more peace and calm than I ever thought I'd have.

Trust me, the irony of this type of post on this blog has not missed me. But fortunately for your entertainment, this is real life and real life is not perfect. So, I'm sure I'll have some dramatic tale about something dramatically annoying for you shortly. But, I'm no rush for that. Instead, right now I'm going to throw myself headfirst into the joy that I'm feeling. Soak up every ounce of happiness. *deep sigh* Life is short. Too short to wait for happiness that's readily available to you today.

Happy Friday! Whatever makes you happy, go do it. Whoever makes you happy, go do them. hehehe, I'm so naughty. :)

XOXO

Andddd, it begins...

Even at such a young age, little Rainbow Brite  knows that this will end badly.

I just met this really pretty, new, young faculty member. She's writing a grant and looking for a new friend. She apparently thinks I can assist her in both. She's coming to the church I attend on Sunday, and she wants to plan a sushi date. She's also a dinosaur (see my post on my BFF's wedding). While part of me knows I should be excited at the thought of a new young friend, all the parts of me that control my actions are terrified. I mean she's pretty, afro-centric, full of energy, and extremely successful- I'm pretty sure she's only a year or two older than me and she's already a PhD'd faculty member and professional blogger with over 50,000 followers. And she wants to go have sushi with me...? Clearly something has to be wrong with her. But then again, she doesn't know me yet. As much as she is everything I've been waiting for, I'm terrified of her. I wish I hadn't been so friendly when she came by my office today. I hate that I even mentioned my church- though she asked. More importantly, I hate that I agreed to share cells. That implies communication will commence. And in order to be friendly, I must continue and encourage that communication.

The Bible says that God has not given us the spirit of fear...so why am I always scared as hell?

item # 12 on my bucket list

I've been pretty pissy with my doctor lately. But I realized that her being any nicer or patient with me wasn't going to undo the damage that had been done. It's kinda one of those crying over spilled milk situations, I guess. Anyway, that is just one of the many situations I've been chewing on lately. In my quest to become a better me, I've been trying my best to observe my thoughts and figure out why I feel a particular way. In analyzing all these things, I've realized that over the course of my life, fear has been either my biggest motivation or deterrence for doing or not doing a thing.

This sucks. For several reasons- the main being that being afraid of life is a crappy way of living and all you do is fast forward through the best times while anticipating the manifestation of the worst case scenario. And then, you look back on it all and realize you were dead before you even died. So how do I combat this? I don't know. Maybe I should take the advice of Paul the alien and accept the fact that sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. I mean, life is all about chance and circumstance, right? My mom keeps telling me that I've gotta take a chance on myself. That means more and more to me each day.

You know, a basic truth about me is that I've always tried to do the right thing. Of course, the road to hell really is paved with good intentions but I've never been a malicious person. Even on my worst days, I still care. And when I think about that, I try not to martyr myself but I do sometimes look up to heaven and say, "Really God? Was that really necessary?"

I 'm losing the focus of this post. It's more so just an excerpt of my train of thought right now in coping with life and figuring out how to move forward. How to not avoid dating because I'm terrified of having a tough conversation. How to quit sabotaging myself at work because I'm afraid I might really succeed at my goal. How to avoid moving back home even though I feel like an awful daughter for not living closer to my parents. I worry about all these things. I fear failure, success, love and rejection. I fear wealth and poverty; racism and true integration. 

This is so unhealthy. I could go deeper. Explain the method to the madness of my purposely being average in order to avoid the pressures of greatness... I'm just too mentally exhausted for that. If I could find a place to rest, then I could take on the world and be amazing. I could do that because I'd know that at the end of a day's battle, Rest was waiting for me at home. But alas, Rest is not. It continues to evade me.

*random thoughts*

I am so incredibly bored at my job that I think I just might slam my head into my computer monitor.

Why make my life easier when I'm so good at making it hard?

Here's hoping to avoid a repeat of 2001...

So, I'm finally getting a Texas license. :( . After being here almost 2 years, I'm finally getting one for what I hoped would be my last 6 months in this wretched State. Seriously? Wanna know what's even better? I now have to take the written driver's test since I let my current DL expire. Did you know that if I had of just gotten a TX DL in the first place, they would have just let me switch the darn thing over? Period. Now I have to wait for my mom to fax me my birth certificate, schedule a testing time, and possibly brush up on my knowledge of Texas roads- cause trust me, there ain't nothing more crazy than Texas law!

Anyway, I could blame Texas. I could blame my BFF's wedding since I was supposed to get it renewed that same weekend but due to lack of sleep and constant activity it totally slipped my mind. I could blame gas and distance since it's too far for me to just drive home and get it renewed. I could also blame the cops for possibly wanting to check the damn thing between now and Christmas.

But I would be wrong. By all counts. The fault is mine and mine alone.

*deep sigh* Oh well. Maybe I can get my co-worker's 17 year old daughter to tutor me.

Hello old friend...catch up on old times, shall we?

Always a good time...

I've been a bit neglectful to my little pet project here. And it isn't for lack of desire or even inspiration for that matter. I've just been so busy and tired from work that I can barely make it home each day before passing out at as soon as I get in the door. In a way, I've brought this on myself. We really need to hire a new person. But, I was spoiled by the uber-mellow energy of our old person so much that I've picketed against EVERY SINGLE PERSON that we've brought in- including the chick that decided she wanted to take a personal liking to me.

*Shrug*

Point is, I can only blame myself for the endless and constantly growing stack of work in front of me...and beside me on the floor...and behind me on my old roomy's desk. *deep sigh*

Anyway, it's time like these that I almost find myself thanking God that I'm not married. Not that I wouldn't love the company. In a perfect world, I'd go home this evening, pop open a bottle of wine and have drunken sex with my husband, then wake up the next morning refreshed, starving, and wondering how my bra ended up in the freezer. But since the world is not perfect, it's likely that if I were married right now, I'd have a baby. And, well...you can't have drunken sex with your husband when there's a baby in the corner needing changing and a bottle. So yeah. I'll take this over that...for now...

I digress.

Actually, I've totally forgotten what the point of this post was supposed to be. And I'm too lazy to even read back through it to see if there was even a point to be made.

Oh well. I hope you enjoyed your week. If yours was anything like mine, I hope you spend your weekend doing nothing at all.

XOXO

Another weekday... What are ya gonna do? *shrug*

Not an item on my to-do list...

I was depressed this morning until I overheard a 35+ year old business woman say that she had no effing clue what she was doing with her life. I just shrugged and said, "Wow. Thanks."

There's not much else to say about that. I really don't want to be at work today. I wore my new leopard loafers to work today, thinking they would cheer me up. This would have been a perfect solution if I were paid to sit and stair at my feet all day. I am not.

So instead I tracked down the kick ass song playing in the background of this new commercial I saw the other day. I've decided to spend the rest of the day rocking out at my desk to The Gossip's Heavy Cross.

Things are starting to look up. :)