Ignorance and trusting God- is it possible to have one without the other?

Pop Quiz:
This is a picture of _____
a) a serial killer caught in the act
b)a serial killer's ticket to Heaven.

Interesting conversation with a friend of mine... It was lunch time and in turning down some flan, I absentmindedly mentioned I was fasting. It wasn't meant to impress her or make her think. I didn't even mean to say it. But it was true. And I didn't think it was a big deal.

Her response: "What would your mother say if you called her and told her you were refusing to eat in order to prove your love to her?"

I stared blankly at her. I honestly didn't have an answer. When she put it that way, it sounded like a horrible expectation to place upon someone you love. Further conversation with this friend revealed that not only did she use to be a masseuse in another life but that she was also a practicing Buddhist.  More blank stares. Oddly enough though, it made sense when I thought about it. She totally seems like that type. The funny thing is though as the she and I are a lot alike. A LOT alike. Which really set my brain in overdrive.

Everybody knows I loves me some Jesus. It's no secret. But I wonder if anyone knows that part of the reason I love Him so much is because I'm terrified not to? I mean, my religion has taught me to fear God first, love Him later. It also taught me that if you don't belong to Church of God in Christ, slide across the floor in your Sunday's best, and scream sweet nothings to Heaven in Mandarin, then you are going to Hell. Also, if you ever try to learn about another faith, let alone consider it, you will not pass go but will be immediately banished to Hell. And trust me when I tell you, I can already feel the flames up to my knees due to my premarital sex, binge drinking, and dirty mouth. Don't get me started on my recent conversations and  contemplation on shacking up.

With all the creeds, stipulations, laws, restrictions, etc... it's a wonder anybody will make it to Heaven. The Bible does say that,"the righteous shall barely make it in." In then goes on to say that, "your righteousness is as filthy rags." Later it says, "none are righteous, no not one."

I'll allow you to chew on that for a minute. If you have even the least amount of comprehension skills, you'll realize that the Bible says we're all going to Hell. Unless of course you accept the fact that God impregnated a virgin in order to come to earth as a man named Jesus who then decided to let the world kill only so he could come back to life and chill for a few more days on earth before back to Heaven...And become God again?

*deep sigh*

I'm too hungry to gracefully articulate this- Is it just me or does anyone else call bullshit?

*Please note that I say this only to immediately repent out of fear of damnation.*

I LOVE JESUS! I will never deny this or Him. But sometimes...sometimes, I just don't know what I'm doing or what to think or where to go...The intellectual in me realizes that I do myself a grave disservice to not truly investigate this whole religion thing. Buddhism, Judaism, Islam- these faiths have all been around way too long to not have some- dare I say- validity?? Or at the least, shouldn't I research and understand them just to know what I don't believe???  Instead, I sit in ignorance and sell out completely to a book written -not that long ago compared to the existence of the world- by some stuffy old pedophilic gay men. This book was then forced onto my forefathers by people who considered their existence just a hair greater than that of wild animals- forefathers who then taught my father's father that God doesn't care about black people will let a lot of awful shit happen to you in this life but if you sing spirituals at 4 hour long Sunday services and follow a lot of rules and regulations of which their intentions were never fully and accurately explained to you, then He'll have gold streets and mansions waiting for you on the other side. Maybe... considering for a while we had been taught that black people had no souls and that even if they made it to Heaven, the would be on the other side of the tracks. Cause Heaven is segregated. Maybe. The Christian part of me feels like even asking these questions are blasphemy, the ultimate betrayal. I feel like I need to go up to the alter for prayer now...


Don't read too much into my race references though. They're relevant but I'm not making the why black people should rethink Christianity argument today. I'm more so reviewing the reasons why people in general jump so blindly and uniformed into one faith without considering all the options. I'm also wondering if there is a special place in Hell for people who died at their computers while Wikipediaing Siddhartha Guatama. Or blogging about questioning Jesus... As my mind trails on, I also wrestle with the absurdity found in the belief that the youth group, Agnostics for Abolishing World Hunger, who are in Africa right now feeding starving children will suffer with Hitler while the guy who shot Biggie and Pac  probably went to church the next Sunday, repented and get to spend an eternity singing Kumbaya with Michael and Gabriel.


And this my friends, is what I am pondering today- or wish I could ponder without guilt and fear crushing my chest like a 67 pound baby.

I need to understand God better. I need to know what He really wants and who He really is. I need to love Him not because I'm terrified not to, but because I know Him so well that I can't help but to love Him. I can only hope that this will be the beginning of some enlightenment. Surely God knows that the intentions of this post was not merely to entertain but to gain some sort of better understanding. Right now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, maybe ever. All that's missing is some serious QT with the man upstairs...

I'll keep ya posted!

Andddd, it begins...

Even at such a young age, little Rainbow Brite  knows that this will end badly.

I just met this really pretty, new, young faculty member. She's writing a grant and looking for a new friend. She apparently thinks I can assist her in both. She's coming to the church I attend on Sunday, and she wants to plan a sushi date. She's also a dinosaur (see my post on my BFF's wedding). While part of me knows I should be excited at the thought of a new young friend, all the parts of me that control my actions are terrified. I mean she's pretty, afro-centric, full of energy, and extremely successful- I'm pretty sure she's only a year or two older than me and she's already a PhD'd faculty member and professional blogger with over 50,000 followers. And she wants to go have sushi with me...? Clearly something has to be wrong with her. But then again, she doesn't know me yet. As much as she is everything I've been waiting for, I'm terrified of her. I wish I hadn't been so friendly when she came by my office today. I hate that I even mentioned my church- though she asked. More importantly, I hate that I agreed to share cells. That implies communication will commence. And in order to be friendly, I must continue and encourage that communication.

Why won't you let me be great?!

C'mon, He didn't really think he was Jesus...

Have you ever had something that just nagged at you? Like you're just about to break through that glass ceiling and then discrimination yanks down on your coattails?  Let me take it down a notch. Ever found the most bangin-est dress for the most bangin-est party ever only to realize you're missing one half of your most bangin-est pair of pumps? All you have left is some dusty mary janes and a rusty pair of penny loafers. Now your whole fit is fucked up. #SMH

I swear man, for me, I feel like it's always something. Lurking around my every corner, Mr. Screwyouover is stalking my every move. I just cooked a bomb ass dinner for my boo? I'm out of wine, It's Sunday, and the liquor store is closed and Walmart is hella far. Got that fresh do and that new fit (That's freshly done hair and a new outfit for my fair skinned friends (-: )? It's East Texas and ain't shit to do and nobody to see. #FAIL

It's September and that sexiness you call a crush suggests a spur-of-the-moment weekend road trip to Destin? It's the end of the month, your checking account is no longer recognizing values over $100 and you just used your credit car to buy a new set of tires. #FUUUCCCCCKKKKKK

Wait. I have more...

It's May. You're a 6th year senior. You've finished all your classes. You turned in your last paper. Some student worker mistakenly let you order your cap and gown. Mistakenly? Yeah, buddy. You have a humongASS hold on your account AND you're actually 2 credits shy. They're gonna let you walk but you feel like a douche because you have to come right back in July- because they don't offer the class you need in June. That job you got called back for? It has to be filled by the second week of June and you no longer qualify. #wouldyoulikefrieswiththat

And another.

You kiss a bunch of frogs and catch a few crabs only to finally find your prince out in the middle of the desert while volunteering for Teachers Without Borders. Catch? You find out at the family reunion that he's your 3rd cousin. #Ihopeyouatleastwrappeditup

My point? Sometimes Life is a hater. And right now, Life is hating on me hard. Just when I finally get it together too! I mean, I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and genuinely like what I see. My laughs are hearty. My love is sincere. I feel good. And of course, Life knew this was coming and decided to throw some shade that I feel like I'll never be able to shake. *deep sigh*

I know there is no perfect. I don't pray for a perfect life. I understand that we take the good with the bad. We accept our faults. We allow ourselves to be human. And most days, I'm good with this. But, today was one of those days where I woke up this morning, thought about my situation, and all I could say was, "Damn."

Time for a new song and dance...

True to the nature of my inner cat lady, I spent much of the weekend vegging and watching Lifetime movies. My favorite was Sundays at Tiffany's. It's a pretty decent dramatization of a book that I actually own but never finished- mainly because it's one of those so absurdly and sickeningly sweet fairy tale like stories that actually reading the happily ever after moment will make you hate your life even more than you did when you started it.

*PSA*

I totally want to be hate her.

I can't even lie. I think Beyonce being preggo is pretty freakin' amazing. She's pretty much going to be the most fabulous pregnant chick ever. And considering Halle Berry and J.Lo AND Jessica Alba have all popped out some kids, that's saying a lot. All Hail Queen Beysus, lol! JK! But not really...