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| "Seriously, it's not you. It's me..." |
A co-worker told me I looked "very grown up" today. And she was right. I can admit that I do look quite cute and professional today. More than that, I look like a woman who shouldn't be insulted if someone guessed her age as 30. And I suppose this might all be a good thing.
Not only is growing up hard, it's weird. And I mean, It is time, I guess... I've been doing very grownup things lately, having grownup discussions, and planning a grownup life. It's liberating but then again extremely frightening. It's like, I know in the back of mind that once I give in to adulthood, accept that I'm old, that there is no going back. And I don't know how to feel about that. Part of me wishes I was back in kindergarten. Another larger part is looking at my childhood and screaming, "Good riddance!"
I know everyone is like, "26 is not old" but it kinda is. I'm still usually the youngest in the room but I'm far from being the baby. And while I love to be taken care of by the people around me, I find myself wanting or craving that treatment less and less. These days I look to my friends for conversation and motivation, the parents and guy for hugs and kisses, and the little sis- well now my main concern is to make sure I offer her the same things that were offered to me- at the least. But again, being taken care of is no longer a concern. I can take care of myself. I work my own job, pay my own bills, make my own doctor's appointments. I'm excited about marriage not because I finally have a man to make my world right, but because I'm excited to finally have a man to share my good life with. I have fantasies about cooking my guy breakfast, sending him to work with a snack, secretly replacing the cologne he left in a hotel bathroom while on business... I daydream about coming home to my parents house bearing gifts at Christmas, taking my dad out to lunch and sending my mom a bit of cash in the mail just because... I can't wait to visit my little sis at her own place after dropping the kids off at granny's so we can tire ourselves out after only 15 minutes of the Michael Jackson Experience. The thought of my dad and husband taking turns trying to teach my son how to throw a football makes my face hot and almost brings tears to my eyes. *deep sigh* Closing on our first home, snapping pics with my sis at her master's graduation, being introduced at my new job as the boss, explaining to my 3 year old daughter that she's not white, she's just light skinned, lol. These things make me smile.
And then I see myself holding my husband or him holding me during the loss of a loved one. I imagine him squeezing my hand tight while the doctor delivers some unfortunate news. I see us praying together...me storming off after a fight, him not chasing after me for a change. I see business ventures falling through, disintegrating friendships, spiritual setbacks. But I see myself handling these things.
I see life, the good and the bad, and I look forward to it all. I look forward to watching my parents grow old all I while I petition God for their immortality. I look forward to late night catch ups with the BFF, screaming matches and late night snacks with the hubby, business trips to Europe, and family vacations at the beach.
Simply, I look FORWARD. And because of this, even though I hesitate, I understand the necessity of and am finally ready to let go of the past.
