The Happening...



Pretend those colorful figures in the background are dinosaurs with babies.

 Last night, DinoBFF and I talked about love, life, and...babies. Like a brick, she hit me with the news that she just might be pregnant. *insert pregnant pause*. This disturbed me on many levels. For one, I'm thinking- DUDE!!! You JUST got married! You guys don't even have cable yet but you're gonna have a baby?!. Then, I thought about the fact that a baby meant more co-planning of showers, sip-and-sees, and contrived conversations with her little dinosaur friends. I'm still recovering from our last gathering.


Then, the real problem hit me. It was just one more bullet to add to the list of things she won't call me about first :(. We'd all like to believe that life changes won't bring wedges between TRUE friendships. But they do. All of her best dino buddies are married now. A couple even have kids. At this point in her life, I'm on page 2 of those people who can offer valuabe advice. Sure, I can rewrite a cover letter and do a job search for her here and there. But when her Neanderhubby decides he's sleeping on the couch, she's not going to ask what I would do. I'll be the last to hear the details of their first Valentine's Day as husband and wife. My invite to the couple's cruise will get lost in the mail. Though concerned now, she'll soon lose interest in my man troubles and slowly but surely give up on what would be her first stint as a Matron of Honor in my own wedding. Also, though he'd never want to admit it to my face, I'm very aware that Neanderhubby is more comfortable with DinoBFF hanging with her married friends than with me. It's nothing personal, and I know he likes me. It's just that single girlfriends= chance encounters with single men, and fights with their wives about them riding shotgun with a single friend who just had to do a drive-by past the ex/cut-buddy/ unaware-that-he-is-being-claimed-as-a-boyfriend's house just one last time to make sure that wasn't that Shaniqua-girl's car in the driveway...at 2:15...a.m. Not that I've ever done that. But she has, and so have all her other dino buddies back when they were single. And while I'm not known for being a crazy, psycho bitch, I'm also not known for relationship stability. So, while it stings to know that for totally understandable yet out of my control reasons I am being rubbed out of the circle, I can't blame him. *deep sigh*

Unfortunately, the gap only widens between DinoBFF and I as I blaze forward and burn out on a career path I never wanted, and she settles into a life very much like the one I dreamt up for myself. Midnight 4-way calls will no longer include me, because honestly, I will have nothing meaningful to contribute. I will have no giddy stories about my husband waiting patiently outside the bathroom while I pee on a stick. All my preggo scare stories involve the morning after pill, prayer, shots of Absolute, and googling ways to fall downstairs without actually killing yourself. I can't offer a funny anecdote about my first shopping trip with the mother-in-law. I can only listen.

That only listening part is what will be the death of me. My biggest fear is not being needed by those I care about. When it gets to the point that I seem to not be adding to someone's life, I find myself drifting away. There's nothing worse than realizing all your conversations have become monologues; not being able to remember the last time they asked you for help; and the awareness that your priorities consider you as just an option. To be fair, I don't think people do this on purpose. I think it's just the natural order of things- you know, that whole "some people are for seasons" crap.

I watched this happen with a few of my other friends. One has a beautiful little girl and the other has one on the way. We both tried to make it work. But there came a point when they just didn't need me anymore. And even though you should want your friends as much as you need them, sometimes life just gets so crazy that the necessities are all that matter, and ultimately all you want. We tried to work our ways back into each other's lives but the pieces didn't fit. I missed them and they missed me but their lives had become soooo full. The cracks in mine just got deeper and wider.

Sure, I've got friends left. But they aren't the best friends. I love them, but it's not the same. So, in essence, IT is happening. Everyone around me is moving on- I can't stop it and they won't wait for me- and I am doing my best to make the best of the life I never wanted but everyone says I should be thrilled to have. Any chick in her mid to late 20s who tells you they enjoy being free of romantic love and a gaggle of girlies, and bouncing from place to place with no settling point in sight is kidding herself and you. I know you must play the cards you're dealt, but when life gives you lemons but no sugar, all you can make is lemon juice.

*deepest sigh* I don't think my friend is actually pregnant. Based on all the facts, I think her body is just confused by all the recent and stressful changes in her life. But one day, she will be. Then the cycle will unpause and our train will ride its last track. For now, I will treasure last night's conversation. I will make sure I have engaging and hopeful love stories to tell her even if they're not true. I will continue to perpetuate the fantasy that one day soon I'll be just like her and that we'll go onesie shopping together while discussing the menus for our date night with the husbands. And then one day, she'll look up and find herself so wrapped up in her own world that she'll have forgotten none of these things ever happened. And then she'll realize that she kinda doesn't care. Feeling guilty, she'll call and say she was just thinking of me. She'll ask me about the last guy she can remember being in my life in hopes that I will respond with an "OMG, I've been meaning to tell you about us!"  Instead, I'll assure her that my life is so busy with my career and all the fun activities that I'm going to lie about being involved in, that I just don't have the time nor desire for all that love and family stuff. I'll laugh enthusiastically and tell her I'm happy. She'll pretend to believe me. We'll promise to talk more and have lunch and then we'll return to our own lives. I know I sound like I'm on the ledge, but really I'm just musing about life. It has happened before...it shall happen again.

Oddly enough, these rifts tend to heal themselves once you've rejoined the circle. The irony in that is once you've joined the circle though, you no longer really care about being in it because now your life is full too! Friendships within the circle don't suffer because everyone is so busy being full and satisfied. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be joining the circle. But that is another story for another day...

In the meantime, I will do what I can. I'll build my travel budget so I can see the world. I'll brush up on my Spanish. I'll pull out my brush and canvas and see what I can create. I'll google Christian yoga to see if there is some form out there that combines the downward-facing dog with the Lord's prayer and I'll take more walks with Jesus. I should also probably adopt a kitten. If I'm going to be that old cat lady, I should probably start getting used to them.