The Wedding

My best friend is a dinosaur. She got married last weekend. Since I'm pretty much the only human friend she has left, the tension between myself and her fellow Jurassic Park exhibits made for a pretty interesting weekend.

First of all, I'm not kidding about my friend being a dinosaur. You see, once upon a time in undergrad, her and a bunch of other girls pledged to practice inane, archaic rituals and only travel in packs with dinosaurs of the same lineage for the rest of their lives. This resulted in her losing many of her human friends. I mean, it's not like she actually cut them off... The separation was more so a result of mere humans trying to run with a pack of wild velociraptors in heels with pink jackets. Have you tried it??? You probably couldn't keep up either.

Anyways, we managed to stay friends over the years which is primarily because we went to different colleges and I only had to encounter her and her pack infrequently and in mixed company. While they do tend to huddle tightly together and growl in an unknown language to each other, they normally will not attack in the presence of large groups of humans and other dinosaurs wearing different colored Members Only jackets.

Now that you have the background, let's get to the point. The weekend started out well enough. I flew in to my hometown, had breakfast with the parents, was all ready to have a fun outing of picking up my maid of honor dress with my mom when I got THE dreaded phone call from my dinoBFF. She needed me to pick up one of the mega reptiles from the airport. I agreed. I told myself it was my duty and I happily jumped into that role for my favorite bridezilla. Besides, it was on the way and all I had to do was drop the dino off at her hotel, right? Wrong. I ended up spending the rest of the day with the mega reptile. Even though I kind of liked this particular reptile and she showed me around on my last trip to D.C., I really need to only be around her and the rest of them in small doses. The smell of human blood does weird things to those creatures. Anyways, instead of going home to hang out with the fam until the rehearsal, like I'd planned, I spent the next 5 hours tying ribbons on wedding programs and bows on chairs at the reception hall. From there, I did not pass go- I headed straight to the rehearsal at the little country church in the middle of nowhere that the bride picked out.

The Beginning of The End...

I made it to the rehearsal dinner and was promptly greeted by the Pink Velociraptors in all their glory. This was also my first encounter of the weekend with the Neanderthal groom and his clan of cavemen.  I could say that he and his friends became cavemen in college, but in all honestly, they've problem been that way all their lives. Among that group was Cro-Magnon, my ex. I shall call him Cro-MagnEx for the purpose of my story. I initially meant to ignore him- he'd brought his fiance, this non-descript figure sitting in the back of the church, and I just wanted to avoid any unnessary drama. Between all the dinosaurs, cavemen, and suspicious looking characters, I just wanted to keep a low profile, ya know?

Well, anyways, the complete opposite of this happened. After several grunts and pointing of clubs, I realized that Cro-MagnEx was trying to speak to me. Before I could even utter a hello, I felt myself engulfed in massive bear hug that smelled of prehistoric Cool Waters cologne and Old Spice deodorant. Ack!!!  Several blurry scenes later, the rehearsal was over and I found myself at the rehearsal dinner. I purposely didn't sit with the dinosaurs and boy was I glad because soon the center of the room was filled with loud grunts, squeals, and gnashing of teeth from the dinosaurs who apparently hadn't all been in the same room since the last dinosaur life mate ritual.

The Big Day.

Fast foward to when I should have been in bed and instead you will find me at DinoBride's house at 3:44 in the morning working on some random task that totally should have been handled by the wedding planner. Finally I meet the sun in her driveway as I head home for some shut eye, exhausted and wounded from the passive aggressive attacks of the reptiles all vying the position of Rex of the Jungle. Have you ever been in a small room full of viscious, meat-eating killers? Have you ever felt a room freeze in silence and actually see the glow in the eyes of creatures realizing that one of these things is not like the others? Have you ever witnessed a predator smell the scent of your fear and live to tell the story? No, you haven't. But I have...don't judge me.

Skip about three or four blurry scenes later and I'm dressed and at the church. I will rewind briefly to note that I did happen to ride to the church with one of the dinosaurs- one whom I previously had not cared for at all. I thought she was the most scaly of them all. Turns out, she's not so bad after all. But that's another story that because of my pride, likely won't see the light of day for another day. Back to the wedding hour- I'm in my dress looking cute and finding solace within the circle of incoherent man children in ties and tails. They may have been degenerates but at least they were still arguably human. So, things were going quite well until Cro-MagnEX decided to piss on a tree and tell every cavemen within shouting distance the story of how we met. One caveman, the best man, didn't seem to mind this at all and still proceeded to try and feel me up.  This ended badly. Luckily the incompetent wedding planner showed up just in time to get us all in place for the march. The church was incredibly hot- I mean it was like God was trying to show everyone what hell felt like just in case any of us were still trying to ride the salvation line. Because of my 20 minute stint in satan's breakfast nook, I don't really remember much of what happened but I do know a wedding did take place and my friend and her man are really married.

Several popsicles, molest attempts, and smuggled in vodka shots later, you can find us nearing the end of what I'm sure was a riotus reception. The dinosaurs had just finished lighting the bride on fire, forming a circle around her, and shrieking what I'm sure they considered a song at the top of their air sacs. There was a fist fight over the bouquet- though when it came time to catch the garter, all the cavemen ran out in every direction in horror and let the poor thing hit the floor. I must admit, THAT was kind of hilarious. Anyway, at this point I am beyond tired, my toes look like sausages, and I'm in desperate need of a way out from the attention brought on by a very funny, though perhaps highly inappropriate yet unintentional co-toast given by me and Cro-MagnEx.

*deep sigh*

Unfortunate pictures were taken, shots were dropped, criminal charges were declined to be brought, surely some poor bridesmaid was impregnated by the best man, a couple people came attached and went home single, a dinosaur and cavemen defied all the odds and got hitched, and I lived another day to tell it all. The moral of this story? I'm just gonna go to Vegas. Who's with me??! :)