When did we get so old?

One of his many failed attempts to regain childhood...

Seriously, what happened? One minute I was making Barbie and Ken hunch in the back of their pink corvette and the next thing I know, I'm pulling credit scores and having doctors test my ovaries. Student workers call me Ms. Ashley and I'm UPSing baby shower gifts to friends- not to mention the bazillion wedding announcements I get each month *eyesrollingoutofmyheadontothefloor*! One kid even told a friend of mine that he was looking for a cougar and then asked for my number. SERIOUSLY?! I'm surrounded by saggy pants idiots whose cat calls have been adjusted for me to include such phrases as, "women are like wine, they just get better with age," and my personal favorite, "I'm just a student of love looking for a teacher with some amazing brain." *________DEAD_______* Pretty soon I'm going to start to think that waiters are hitting on me when they ask me for my ID.

Did I mention that a saleswoman at a Clinique counter offered me eye cream for my impending crow's feet?

I'm so afraid of the morning that I wake up and realize that my good years are all behind me, wasted on chasing dreams and holding onto things that don't actually exist. My elders think I'm insane when I say this. They say things like, "I don't even remember my 20s!" I think, of course you don't, you're like 40 old.  I remember when I couldn't wait to be this age. Of course I thought that I'd be- well you know what I thought. But still, I thought I'd either be that or I'd be sprawled out on the beach in Brazil, traveling and seeing the world. Instead I'm in East Texas balancing budgets, scheduling dental appointments, and working weekends. Where's my Xanax? What's worse is that there really doesn't seem to be any relief in sight.

Oh well. Maybe I do have options. If Beysus can get pregnant at 30, so can I. Right? I could always go back to grad school full-time...maybe join a student exchange program- except that the thought of going back to school literally makes me throw up in my mouth. If it weren't for my pride and the need for my own income, I'd just quit my job, move back home, and ask for a mulligan on this whole adult thing...