Time for a new song and dance...

True to the nature of my inner cat lady, I spent much of the weekend vegging and watching Lifetime movies. My favorite was Sundays at Tiffany's. It's a pretty decent dramatization of a book that I actually own but never finished- mainly because it's one of those so absurdly and sickeningly sweet fairy tale like stories that actually reading the happily ever after moment will make you hate your life even more than you did when you started it.



I cried and stuffed my face with homemade spaghetti and chocolate chip cookies...cursed the gods because I forgot to pick up vanilla ice cream at the grocers. I mourned for the little girl inside me that once believed that guys like the ones shown in movies like these actually exist. Most importantly, I kicked myself for indulging the hopelessness of my romanticized fantasies once again for the fifty eleventh time.

What I want to say, and with absolute conviction, is that I've sworn off daydreaming of love. I'm going to let go of the idea that I should be a wife right now, patiently planning motherhood with my husband. I'm going to get over the aches that coming home to an empty apartment create. I'm going to quit releasing deep sighs after realizing that the lovely dinner for two I've prepared is really just dinner and left-overs for one. I'm going to embrace this single life and continuing climbing up the career step-stool ladder. I could go on.

But I won't, cause none of that's true. I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking about the man of my dreams- whether or not he actually exists is irrelevant.  And I can't stop eyeing the baby section of any store, or tearing up every time of set of tiny chubby hands wave in my direction. I wish I could stop. I wish I could find a new dream, set a new goal. But at this point in my life my body is literally screaming for these things. Trust me, if I could quench the thirst on my own, I would.

Want to know a secret? I spray on a bit of perfume- regardless of what I'm wearing- whenever I go to the grocery store. Why? Because I once read this book where a guy met the girl of his dreams after trailing her scent to the produce aisle of a Whole Foods. I'm always super nice to my oil change guys because in some movie, a blue collar mechanic turned out to be the prince charming to this super successful attorney chick. I've even started trying to pay attention to the white boys that pay attention to me because Sanaa Lathan fell in love with one in that movie Something New. I know, I know, life is not a movie. Or a book. Or a sappy love song/music video. But all those things were inspired by something real and tangible. Somebody somewhere actually had those experiences. The Notebook- the greatest love story EVER- was inspired by some old geriatric couple somewhere. I refuse to believe otherwise.

Want to know something else? I've realized I have no tolerance for those that don't believe...those that don't hold love higher than anything else. I don't care what kind of love it is- for ya mama, yo boo thang, your Irish dog- just as long as you understand that love and loving are the most powerful forces in life. I know and love people who are motivated by other things- power, success, desire...but not love. I'm coming to find that myself and those people work better from a distance. My best friend, well currently my ex best friend is motivated by notoriety. He'll never admit it to me or anyone else, but his number one driving force is making a name for himself. And for this reason, our friendship has always struggled, to the point that now it is for all intents and purposes non-existence. As unfortunate as that is, I'm ok with it. *shrug* I already cried for us a long time ago. Even though we tried to keep it moving, I'd already gotten over it. So with this last goodbye, I just waved and smiled.

My point is, because of these differences, I knew it wasn't meant to last. And that goes for all relationships- friends, lovers, and family. I think that's what being unequally yoked really means. Two people with different driving forces can be together without one of them suffering. One friend will always be left in the shadows. One husband's priority will be a wife who puts her career first.

I'm rambling now. I'm just going to wrap this up. Eat another cookie. Contemplate reheating some spaghetti sauce. I suppose I could talk to Jesus, but um, clearly he's not feeling me right now. I've been singing this same song for the past few years now. Either He's ignoring me, or He's decided to put my song on repeat. Either way, all I can do now is go prepare myself for another manic-depressive Monday....

*deep sigh*