Close but no cigar... *and a brief intervention, of sorts, with Self*

dramatization of an actual occurrence in my life.

So I'm not bipolar. I do however suffer from a mild case of anxiety disorder- but apparently they are very common but go mis/undiagnosed. On the upside, according to my doctor, they are common among smart and creative people. #mentalillnessforthewin. I'm joking, I'm joking!!! Seriously, I am. It's actually not even mental but rather physiological. So it is kind of a chemical imbalance but one that just simply taking care of myself can counteract. My boss who suffers from this explained this to me yesterday. A former and trusted doctor of mine confirmed this for me this morning. I was given a laundry list of recommendations but the most significant thing is one I came up with on my own.



I realized that the majority of my worry and frustration AND feelings of manipulation have more to do with the fact that I don't feel in control of my life than anything else. It's like my life is happening to me instead of me creating it. So, I decided I needed to take inventory and make a list of every significant thing in my life which for me is anything that I consider valuable and/or I find myself worried or concerned about. Por ejemplo (In no particular order):

-Job/career goals
-romantic relationship
-talks with Jesus
-one-sided friendships
-handbag addiction
-finances
-health

Now that I've listed them, It's time to create a plan on how to take back control of them.

-Job
Problem: I hate my job.
Simple solution: Get a new one.
Expanded solution: Identify, if any, the areas of your job that you don't completely hate actually like AND do well at and then research other positions that require these transferable skills. Then pick one and have a cookie and press on. OR, you can identify that one amazing and incredible skill you have and make it pay for itself. Unfortunately for you, that requires patience which is not a fruit that you possess. Go with option A and then begin on option B once you've found a job that you can actually get out of bed for.

-Romantic Relationship
Problem: Excluding the S.O. and my feelings for him, the conditions of the relationship are the EXACT opposite of everything I've ever said I wanted.
Simple solution: Walk away.
Expanded solution: Mull over it, devour several pints of BlueBell, grow a few more gray hairs, aggravate your ulcers, find a new whip to beat the dead horse with...and then walk away.
*This is obviously easier said than done. It is also one of the greatest offenders of this list. But, at least it's on the list.*
**More importantly, I think we torture one another by trying to make our individual rectangles and squares try to fit in the relationship circle :(**

-Talks with Jesus
Problem: It feels like talking to a brick wall.
Simple solution: Get over it.
Expanded solution: Realize that what you believe can be viewed by many as being as much of a fairy tale as Cinderella, Snow White, and the Loch Ness Monster. Remember that there is a reason it is called a "faith-based" religion, imagine that Jesus lives inside your favorite stuffed animal, hold it tight every night and engage in a bit of pillow talk...and then get over it. But seriously, you know He's real. He's already taken the step down. It's time for you to step up and meet Him halfway.

-One-sided relations
Problem: You feel like one particular friend  is taking advantage of you because your life tends to seem better than hers in so many ways and she guilts you into doing things or allowing things to happen simply because you can afford to or have had the privilege of, etc...
Simple solution: Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Expanded solution: You are not a completely selfish, malicious or vindictive person. If you don't want to do something or don't feel comfortable doing something then don't. Say no and keep it moving, and don't feel pressured to constantly explain yourself. Conversely, when you want to do something for someone, do it without expectation of reciprocation but solely out of the simple desire to do it. If that alone does not bring you satisfaction then it's best you not do it at all.

-Handbag addiction
Problem: This is actually representative of an even larger problem. You don't eat when you're stressed, you buy. Handbags are the most expensive vice but you could open up a Walgreens with the amount of unused lotions, creams, and cellulite remover you have in your bathroom closet.
SOLUTION: Stop buying shit you don't need.
Expanded solution: Stop buying. You don't actually need anything. This problem is also circular in that once you buy it, you're satisfied for a moment. And then when there are still 12 days left in the month of July and your car AC is out, you start to wheeze because your compressor relay and service charge is resting nicely on your kitchen counter in all its red and brown python embossed calf leather glory. *deep sigh*.

-Finances
Problem: See "handbag solution"
Simple solution: See "stop buying shit you don't need"
Expanded solution. Save. The money you would spend on that handbag or shoes or whatever bath product emblazoned with "NEW and IMPROVED" on the label that you found to temporarily make you feel better about the 27th argument of the month you had with your fake boyfriend *breathe* should be rolled over into a savings account- or at least allowed to just sit  in your checking account and build from month to month. I know the concept of saving does not provide that instant gratification you so often crave but it will help to reduce the mild panic attacks you have when making out your budget each month.

-Health
Problem: You need to do better.
Simple solution: Do better.
Expanded solution: You only get one body. While prevention is always best, maintenance is a close second. Eat better, incorporate some exercise, reduce stress by following the advice you've listed above and forgive yourself for all the stuff you should have done that you didn't do and the things that you could have prevented but missed the mark. Most importantly, trust the fact that the little steps you take in improving your physical health will prompt you to do more and ultimately snowball into a personal pattern of nurturing your entire well-being.

So Self, if you look back over the advice you've given Self, you realize the common thread is to simply take back control of your life. Be an active participant in it. Pick your battles. Quit doing things you know are not good for you. Don't make promises you can't keep. Offer no explanation for bettering yourself. Your life is not a thesis. You do not have to present OR defend it.

Things are looking up. Identifying the problems is half the battle.