Fresh off of what should have been a fun and relaxing holiday getaway, I feel worse than ever. I returned last night only to find myself in tears. From what? I'm not exactly sure. I feel lonely, taken advantage of, complacent, confused, manipulated, and for lack of a better term, worthless. I all of a sudden find myself worried about EVERYTHING. While some of my fears are rational, many are not. I got to work at 10:30 today because this morning when I woke up, I didn't feel like going to work. That is totally normal. What's not normal though is consistently making the decision not to with no worry of the consequences. I know that I'm not depressed, because there are days when I feel like the princess of the world and for no other reason than the fact that I just woke up and felt really great. When I'm up, I'm in the sky. When I'm down...I can't articulate how it feels to be down. I'm already aware that I have some form of an anxiety disorder but because black people don't really "do that crazy stuff", I'm quite sure it hasn't been explored like it should have been. Actually, I really think I might have a bipolar disorder. I don't throw this term out loosely. Clearly, I can be a very dramatic person but there are some things that I consider off limits. Chemical imbalances, psychiatric disorders, whatever you want to call them- they are very real and band-aids and cookies don't fix them. And apparently, prayer and hour long conversations with mommy don't fix them either.
Oh well, the first step is admitting there is a problem...
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