Sinners in the hands of an angry God

Hello...God? Can you hear me now?

I really didn't want to write a post today- or even this week for that matter. I've been feeling some type of way and just didn't even want to allow those feelings to manifest on the screen. But, the whole point of this blog is supposed to be an experiment in consistency and honesty so...


...I'll start by saying that life sucks. Not in the way that bad things are happening but more so in the way that NOTHING is happening and I don't understand it, nor do I understand the point of life in general. I could expound, but I doubt this is a rant that anyone hasn't heard before. What is the meaning of life? Why do Christian's lives seem to suck so much more than non-Christians'? Why do Jay-Z and Beyonce stay winning?? Why does Gaddafi's face look like that? These are all questions that we all are someone we know has asked themselves before.

What's even more frustrating for me is that if I am to believe the Bible, then I am to assume that when I accept Christ, He then begins to live in me and shines in me so that I can be a light in the darkness. Well, I don't feel particularly bright or enlightened. I don't feel inspired and I don't feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And before you counter that faith is not about feeling but about believing, I will regretfully inform you that I have recently dared to question all that I've ever known about my Christina faith and walks with Jesus. I will also admit that the only reason I haven't come out with this sooner is because I secretly feared that if I ever questioned God or dared look for conflicting answers that He'd immediately strike me down and damn me to Hell. Even now as I type these words, I feel a headache coming on.

*I literally just stopped typing for like 30 seconds out of fear that I might be having a brain aneurysm .*

All I ever wanted was to be a good saved Christian girl, humble and well thought of, who grew up to be a good Christian wife and mother, enhancing their lives, uplifting the husband, and raising little future Christian soldiers for Christ. Instead, I look back on a series of unfortunate events- some that happened to me and some that I created for myself. I cringe at horrible things I've done to people in moments of immaturity or schemes to fit in. I tear up at memories of sincere and unrestrained efforts that resulted in rejection or dismissal. I wince at the burdens I've forced others to take on against their own will. I stagger through what seems to be a circular journey in being broken and refashioned in the fire. My prayers seem to go up only to crash into the ceiling. I wallow in my frustration for a bit, wondering why God would create a world that would betray Him; why He would produce the one perfect being only to have Him questioned, ridiculed, abused and crucified. I wonder why I even believe such as fantastic fairytale.

And then, something pretty amazing happens- "interventions" if you will. This time, in the midst of writing this, the first came in the form of a kiss on the cheek from a tiny lady that I absolutely loved from the very first moment I laid eyes on her. After only asking her about her day, before her tears came, she managed to say that my faith inspires her and that even though I feel like her daughter, she learns so much from me. There was a bit more that she got out before just stopping to give me a big hug and kiss. I pulled away to keep from crying myself.

A bit later, a young lady dropped by to see me. She's moving on to greener pastures and had promised to say bye before she left. I don't know much about her, didn't even work in the same office. She wasn't even professional staff. But I was just drawn to her. Sometimes I wished we were back in the second grade so I could just walk up to her and say, "hey, do you wanna be my best friend forever?" She was as pleasant and sweet as she was pretty. She always had a smile, a compliment, a hug, a prayer. To me, she was what a good Christian girl was supposed to look like. She had a light in her that was completely undeniable and I wanted that same light in me. But, I assumed I had ruined myself. Told myself that she had probably been perfect all her life and that God was only being fair by rewarding her with that extra special something. Well anyway, after gasping at the fact that I actually got her a gift and then tearing up at what the shiny box actually held, she went on to tell me how the very things I saw in her, she saw and admired in me. I could feel the heat creeping up behind my face as she took my number and made me promise to go to the spa with her after she settled into her new job.

I stared at my screen for a bit. Only briefly did I consider erasing my post. Because honestly, I meant what I said. I don't get God. I don't fully understand why I am here. Jesus had 12 disciples and I still think He needs more people. I ask for help and don't seem to recei-....

And that's where I stopped myself. That's where the interventions come in. I told God how frustrated I was to believe in Him but be in such an awful state that no one would want to know what I know, or have what I have. I told Him that I was embarrassed to even profess to knowing Him while yet having such a sour disposition. And then this perfect young lady tells me that she hopes we'll always be friends, and to swear that I'll invite her to all my life happenings.  She said that I inspire her and she tells her mom about me all the time. And then, she with the perfect wardrobe, asked me where I shop because I just always look so "classy". I literally LOL'd when she said that to me.

I had also told God that I felt worthless. I feel like I'm not helping anybody or anything. I overlooked family and longtime friends, assuming that their love for me blinded them from my lack of purpose. And then this lady I've only known for 3 months but fell in love with at first sight told me that if it wasn't for me, she would not have made it through the day.


*deep sigh* for people seeing in you what you can not see in yourself.

There's this really old negro spiritual song that says, "If I could just help somebody as I travel along the way..." I think you get where I'm going with this.What it boils down to is that we really have no other choice but to live our lives until they're over. Human nature is to survive and the only thing that separates those that give up on life from those that don't is that those that don't have found something to believe in. Something that keeps their feet on the safe side of the ledge, continuously convincing them that it's all worth. So, that being the case, what greater purpose could there be than giving someone a little bit of inspiration or hope? What greater deed than reminding someone to just breathe. I'm so glad that I've been able to do that for others- even more appreciative that others have done that for me.

So, while it hasn't completely eradicated my frustration or restored my joy and faith, God's incredibly genius way of creating something in us that thrives off of us encouraging others, and his eerie knack for sending people our way with the right words at the right time,  has given me just enough reason to stay in the game. I'm still on the wrong side of the ledge, but now at least I have one hand tightly gripping the rail. :)