After the Love is Gone

"Something happened along the way" that made this moment absolutely necessary

Our office conducted it's first interview today to replace my old roomie. As I sat and listened to the overenthusiastic candidate go on and on about the joys of pushing paper over the faint musical stylings of Earth Wind and Fire streaming from my speakers, and I after I called bullshit on about 14 of her 16 answers, I realized that the time to make amends with my current profession had come and gone.



I know, you're saying to yourself- duh, we know you hate your job! But that is not really what this is about. Right now I'm not so much concerned with the fact that the love is gone, but more so the question of when it left and I why I stayed. While most people who've only recently met me might think I'm fickle, those who really know me know that I have a long reputation of lingering in things long after the expiration date. Whether it's love, friendships, jobs, or side ponytails and rainbow scrunchies, I tend to have a very hard time letting go. I know I'm ready to go. The situation feels my unhappiness. But I stay...neither one of us willing to walk away.

As unhappy and unfulfilled that I am in my line of work, I haven't left the profession. And it doesn't plan on firing me anytime soon. In fact, it often finds ways of convincing me to stay. It promises me security. It throws trips and free lunches my way. No matter how much I complain and plan my escape, I don't. I even quit once with grand plans of chasing my dreams and came right back to it. My struggle has always been in my thinking that if it's THAT hard to get away from something, then maybe I'm not supposed to be getting away at all. Some may find this to be a defeatist attitude but isn't it really just accepting reality? Life is not perfect and I am the last person in life who wants to admit that. There is no perfect companion, no perfect occupation, no perfect life. Right?

So what do I do? Do I "settle" for the norm? Or is "settle" an unfair term for being completely realistic about life and accepting totally reasonable circumstances. Do I wait on the knight in shining armor or do I stay the night with the disgruntled CPA in Dockers? Do I quit a sure thing or ready my resume, prepare my bank account for financial shock, and launch out into the shark tank? I'm pretty sure the right answer is somewhere in between those two extremes. While there is no perfection, there is fulfillment. While everyday can't be candy canes and sprinkles, they can be full of joy.

Most importantly, if something that once brought me all of those beautiful things now fails me, do I pack my bags or do I fight to make it work. I remember a time when I got a kick out of my job. I was very young and very new. It was full of challenges and I was constantly learning new things- about it and myself. It pushed me and I pushed back. But at a certain point, it lost it's thrill. I knew it. What I didn't know, I could figure out pretty quickly. It was no longer challenging; there was no mystery. I knew all the tricks, I'd seen and become very familiar with its ugly side. The same familiarity that I come to trust and depend on also bred contempt.

Now I find myself at the same point with my latest position, except this time those feelings came much sooner and with a vengeance. And I guess it's like that sometimes. I left this world only to come back and give it another try. It didn't work. I feel a bit of loyalty to it. I feel like I owe it one more fight. But I don't know why. All it's provided me is the basic necessities. A place to go from 8-5, money to pay my bills, a plethora of excuses to drink... But is that enough? No, it's not. I'm just afraid that if I keep reaching and pushing that I'll never stop...and that I'll never be satisfied.

So, I guess my question is do I stay and find joy in the now, or do I risk it all for the ultimate that may be waiting for me tomorrow?

*deep sigh*