The Curse of the "What I should have said" moment.

A scene straight out of my adolescents if a was a 20-something black male in LA

I always admired the people in school who were never short of a witty comeback or snappy one liner.While I've always been clever, I've never been too quick on the draw. It always seemed to take a second too long for my brain to connect with my lips and when it did the delivery was too weak to make an impact. It was ok though- I wouldn't have called myself a cool kid but I did have the cool friends so somehow I managed to always find myself in an inner-circle. This ultimately was not for my good though. Instead of embracing my inner oddities and quirks, I constantly molded myself to the expectation du jour. Consequently, I find myself just beginning to know myself at the ripe old age of 26. Anyway, the point is that because of my affirmative action status in the circle, nobody expected the sharp and sassy from me. And when they got, it served as some humorous entertainment for them.



So yeah, like I said, I admired the kids known for their slick tongue. The ones whose names were always followed by statements like, "Girrrrlllll, you know you can't say nuthin' to Keisha smart ass," accompanied by snaps, gum poppin' and neck rolls. They seemed tough and unafraid, if just a tad bit classless. But still, in middle school, who cares or even really knows about class?

But as much as I admired them, there was a group of people that I actually envied even more so. They were those kids that didn't ever respond at all. Whether it was the guy that let someone go off in him in 12 different languages without a mumbling word, only to turn around and punch said person in the throat; or whether it was the girl with a skin thick as Beyonce's thighs, who let everything roll off her back and never seemed to miss a beat. *deep sigh* I wanted to BE that girl. I wanted to date that guy. This doesn't just apply to those bullying scenarios. This is how I wish I could approach life in general. I hate how I second guess myself. Whether after being involved in a confrontation, being caught off guard by a back-handed compliment, or whether it be the moments right after sending a particularly pointed email, I always seem to find myself mulling of what I should have said. And I hate that. I hate saying something weakly when it would've been more effective to say nothing at all. I hate recognizing these situations in hindsight. I loathe the time it takes to get over it all.

Insecurities are a beast. If anything, my inability to master neither the silent treatment nor the snappy comeback only highlight to me my need to prove myself to others- most notably those "others" who really have no true investment in my life (nor I in theirs) whatsoever. So how do I deal? I guess calling it out in this post is the first step. Exposure is always the first step to solving any problem. Now that I recognize it, I deal with it. Since I know I have an unhealthy need to prove myself in situations that I totally shouldn't, the bigger challenge would be for me to learn how to hold my peace. Learning how to snap back while popping gum will only feed my thinking that I need to show people I'm strong and confident. Fighting that need to broadcast my abilities in those situations will actually  MAKE me strong and confident. I don't aspire to be perfect. But I do aspire to be the best me.

Some really smart, dead, Greek guy once said "know thyself." I'd like to add to that, "...and act accordingly."