"Love is patient, love is kind..."

"...It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13:4-7.

Sometimes I try to craft to craft my words in such a way... Today my eloquence begins and ends with the scripture above. As I've previously shared, this past year I found myself in an extremely volatile, sometimes physical, and emotionally abusive relationship. Because of what clearly had to be low self esteem, and my failure to enforce my personal boundaries, I found myself held hostage by my own life, in my own home, by my own hand. For lack of better words, it was horrible. And while I thought it was all finally over, this past week my ex has reappeared with a vengeance.  Some days it is all JUST. TOO. MUCH. But as angry as I with him, as much as I don't understand how he can't just simply leave me alone, as much as I just wish he would fall off the face of the earth, I am more angry at myself.  I look at my life and am so disappointed in me. Like most victims of some sort of harassment or abuse, there are intense moments where you feel like you brought it all on yourself.  I always thought I was too smart to ignore the warning signs, too discerning to not spot crazy...too strong to be so weak. I curl up into a ball at night and cry because I feel the weight of the world on me. I know that my Jesus has walked with me and given me strength but more than anything, I need for Him to hold me tight in physical arms and wipe my tears with an earthly hand.  I want to run but I'm tired of running. And maturity taught me that there is no escape.  I hesitate to tell people that I am truly scared and feel threatened.  I pray that my story doesn't end like all the others that people ignored until it was too late.

I feel trapped. I feel abused. I feel helpless. I feel pathetic. And I suppose that that is what he has wanted all along. If I wouldn't be happy with him, then I shouldn't be happy at all, right?

I am stronger than this, but I am fragile. I am smarter than this, but I am naive. I will never give up on love, but I am heartbroken.

My mother told me I must pray for him. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But if praying for him will save me, I will do it.

I will overcome this because my life depends on it. I will maintain my joy because my peace depends on it. And I will love like I've never loved before because my soul depends on it.

That's all for today. I just needed to take a moment to breathe.  Before I sign out, I do have to ask a favor. Please, please, please don't let my story ever be yours in any way shape or form. Life is short, but it's way too long to suffer. You are in control of your life. We can only blame others for what they do to us for so long before we must admit that much of that blame should fall to ourselves.

XOXO