Ignorance and trusting God- is it possible to have one without the other?

Pop Quiz:
This is a picture of _____
a) a serial killer caught in the act
b)a serial killer's ticket to Heaven.

Interesting conversation with a friend of mine... It was lunch time and in turning down some flan, I absentmindedly mentioned I was fasting. It wasn't meant to impress her or make her think. I didn't even mean to say it. But it was true. And I didn't think it was a big deal.

Her response: "What would your mother say if you called her and told her you were refusing to eat in order to prove your love to her?"

I stared blankly at her. I honestly didn't have an answer. When she put it that way, it sounded like a horrible expectation to place upon someone you love. Further conversation with this friend revealed that not only did she use to be a masseuse in another life but that she was also a practicing Buddhist.  More blank stares. Oddly enough though, it made sense when I thought about it. She totally seems like that type. The funny thing is though as the she and I are a lot alike. A LOT alike. Which really set my brain in overdrive.

Everybody knows I loves me some Jesus. It's no secret. But I wonder if anyone knows that part of the reason I love Him so much is because I'm terrified not to? I mean, my religion has taught me to fear God first, love Him later. It also taught me that if you don't belong to Church of God in Christ, slide across the floor in your Sunday's best, and scream sweet nothings to Heaven in Mandarin, then you are going to Hell. Also, if you ever try to learn about another faith, let alone consider it, you will not pass go but will be immediately banished to Hell. And trust me when I tell you, I can already feel the flames up to my knees due to my premarital sex, binge drinking, and dirty mouth. Don't get me started on my recent conversations and  contemplation on shacking up.

With all the creeds, stipulations, laws, restrictions, etc... it's a wonder anybody will make it to Heaven. The Bible does say that,"the righteous shall barely make it in." In then goes on to say that, "your righteousness is as filthy rags." Later it says, "none are righteous, no not one."

I'll allow you to chew on that for a minute. If you have even the least amount of comprehension skills, you'll realize that the Bible says we're all going to Hell. Unless of course you accept the fact that God impregnated a virgin in order to come to earth as a man named Jesus who then decided to let the world kill only so he could come back to life and chill for a few more days on earth before back to Heaven...And become God again?

*deep sigh*

I'm too hungry to gracefully articulate this- Is it just me or does anyone else call bullshit?

*Please note that I say this only to immediately repent out of fear of damnation.*

I LOVE JESUS! I will never deny this or Him. But sometimes...sometimes, I just don't know what I'm doing or what to think or where to go...The intellectual in me realizes that I do myself a grave disservice to not truly investigate this whole religion thing. Buddhism, Judaism, Islam- these faiths have all been around way too long to not have some- dare I say- validity?? Or at the least, shouldn't I research and understand them just to know what I don't believe???  Instead, I sit in ignorance and sell out completely to a book written -not that long ago compared to the existence of the world- by some stuffy old pedophilic gay men. This book was then forced onto my forefathers by people who considered their existence just a hair greater than that of wild animals- forefathers who then taught my father's father that God doesn't care about black people will let a lot of awful shit happen to you in this life but if you sing spirituals at 4 hour long Sunday services and follow a lot of rules and regulations of which their intentions were never fully and accurately explained to you, then He'll have gold streets and mansions waiting for you on the other side. Maybe... considering for a while we had been taught that black people had no souls and that even if they made it to Heaven, the would be on the other side of the tracks. Cause Heaven is segregated. Maybe. The Christian part of me feels like even asking these questions are blasphemy, the ultimate betrayal. I feel like I need to go up to the alter for prayer now...


Don't read too much into my race references though. They're relevant but I'm not making the why black people should rethink Christianity argument today. I'm more so reviewing the reasons why people in general jump so blindly and uniformed into one faith without considering all the options. I'm also wondering if there is a special place in Hell for people who died at their computers while Wikipediaing Siddhartha Guatama. Or blogging about questioning Jesus... As my mind trails on, I also wrestle with the absurdity found in the belief that the youth group, Agnostics for Abolishing World Hunger, who are in Africa right now feeding starving children will suffer with Hitler while the guy who shot Biggie and Pac  probably went to church the next Sunday, repented and get to spend an eternity singing Kumbaya with Michael and Gabriel.


And this my friends, is what I am pondering today- or wish I could ponder without guilt and fear crushing my chest like a 67 pound baby.

I need to understand God better. I need to know what He really wants and who He really is. I need to love Him not because I'm terrified not to, but because I know Him so well that I can't help but to love Him. I can only hope that this will be the beginning of some enlightenment. Surely God knows that the intentions of this post was not merely to entertain but to gain some sort of better understanding. Right now, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, maybe ever. All that's missing is some serious QT with the man upstairs...

I'll keep ya posted!