The Bible says that God has not given us the spirit of fear...so why am I always scared as hell?

item # 12 on my bucket list

I've been pretty pissy with my doctor lately. But I realized that her being any nicer or patient with me wasn't going to undo the damage that had been done. It's kinda one of those crying over spilled milk situations, I guess. Anyway, that is just one of the many situations I've been chewing on lately. In my quest to become a better me, I've been trying my best to observe my thoughts and figure out why I feel a particular way. In analyzing all these things, I've realized that over the course of my life, fear has been either my biggest motivation or deterrence for doing or not doing a thing.

This sucks. For several reasons- the main being that being afraid of life is a crappy way of living and all you do is fast forward through the best times while anticipating the manifestation of the worst case scenario. And then, you look back on it all and realize you were dead before you even died. So how do I combat this? I don't know. Maybe I should take the advice of Paul the alien and accept the fact that sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. I mean, life is all about chance and circumstance, right? My mom keeps telling me that I've gotta take a chance on myself. That means more and more to me each day.

You know, a basic truth about me is that I've always tried to do the right thing. Of course, the road to hell really is paved with good intentions but I've never been a malicious person. Even on my worst days, I still care. And when I think about that, I try not to martyr myself but I do sometimes look up to heaven and say, "Really God? Was that really necessary?"

I 'm losing the focus of this post. It's more so just an excerpt of my train of thought right now in coping with life and figuring out how to move forward. How to not avoid dating because I'm terrified of having a tough conversation. How to quit sabotaging myself at work because I'm afraid I might really succeed at my goal. How to avoid moving back home even though I feel like an awful daughter for not living closer to my parents. I worry about all these things. I fear failure, success, love and rejection. I fear wealth and poverty; racism and true integration. 

This is so unhealthy. I could go deeper. Explain the method to the madness of my purposely being average in order to avoid the pressures of greatness... I'm just too mentally exhausted for that. If I could find a place to rest, then I could take on the world and be amazing. I could do that because I'd know that at the end of a day's battle, Rest was waiting for me at home. But alas, Rest is not. It continues to evade me.