Well, hello there.

Ok, so this cute baby MIGHT be the only person in the world having a better week than me. And that's cool :).

I know, I know. It would be me to wait til the 11th hour on a Friday to finally write something. The truth is, I really have been working on the same a post all week. I just kept getting distracting and then I would read over it and realize it just wasn't really saying what I wanted. So, to just sum things up, I'll say that I had a really, really, really great week. Some pretty nice things are developing in my life right now. I'm not sure of the purpose- could be a temporary reminder to keep hope alive, or it could be the beginning of a lifetime. All I know for sure is that, today, it's like a comforting breath of fresh air. And for the time being, I choose to simply inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale...

I have a huge smile on my face. Wonderful things will do that to you. This weekend is going to be amazing. At some point, I promise to tell you all about it. It's definitely something worth sharing.

So, here's to you having as awesome of a weekend as I'm going to have.

XOXO

Andddd, it begins...

Even at such a young age, little Rainbow Brite  knows that this will end badly.

I just met this really pretty, new, young faculty member. She's writing a grant and looking for a new friend. She apparently thinks I can assist her in both. She's coming to the church I attend on Sunday, and she wants to plan a sushi date. She's also a dinosaur (see my post on my BFF's wedding). While part of me knows I should be excited at the thought of a new young friend, all the parts of me that control my actions are terrified. I mean she's pretty, afro-centric, full of energy, and extremely successful- I'm pretty sure she's only a year or two older than me and she's already a PhD'd faculty member and professional blogger with over 50,000 followers. And she wants to go have sushi with me...? Clearly something has to be wrong with her. But then again, she doesn't know me yet. As much as she is everything I've been waiting for, I'm terrified of her. I wish I hadn't been so friendly when she came by my office today. I hate that I even mentioned my church- though she asked. More importantly, I hate that I agreed to share cells. That implies communication will commence. And in order to be friendly, I must continue and encourage that communication.

Back to reality...and it bites...

I wanted to write a more in-depth post... You see, I just got back from a 5 day conference in Austin which was definitely more play than work. All I can say is that Austin is kick-ass. The city, the people, the vibe, the air... If the United States was more like Austin, the world would be a better place. I even made a new bff. I can honestly say that my it was definitely the most fun I've had in Texas...possibly the most fun- period.

I'll go back to my regular schedule tomorrow. I have many stories of fun, drunkeness, being trapped in a car AND adjoining hotel suites with my crazy ass boss, and fooling an entire bar into believing that I was David Banner's cousin just because I still have a Mississippi DL.

Good times...

And then, I thought better of it...

I was about to write a shitty post about how the world is shitty. And then, I took a deep breath and realized that at this moment, everything is just fine. I'm in my office, staring out of a giant window, sipping on half-cut tea, and anticipating the awesome travel I have lined up between now and Thanksgiving. My parents are well, my sister is enjoying her life, and I have a new crush ;-). My friends are great too! And no matter what tomorrow holds for these things, right now at this moment, it's all good. And I thank God for that.

Happy Friday!
AG

The Bible says that God has not given us the spirit of fear...so why am I always scared as hell?

item # 12 on my bucket list

I've been pretty pissy with my doctor lately. But I realized that her being any nicer or patient with me wasn't going to undo the damage that had been done. It's kinda one of those crying over spilled milk situations, I guess. Anyway, that is just one of the many situations I've been chewing on lately. In my quest to become a better me, I've been trying my best to observe my thoughts and figure out why I feel a particular way. In analyzing all these things, I've realized that over the course of my life, fear has been either my biggest motivation or deterrence for doing or not doing a thing.

This sucks. For several reasons- the main being that being afraid of life is a crappy way of living and all you do is fast forward through the best times while anticipating the manifestation of the worst case scenario. And then, you look back on it all and realize you were dead before you even died. So how do I combat this? I don't know. Maybe I should take the advice of Paul the alien and accept the fact that sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. I mean, life is all about chance and circumstance, right? My mom keeps telling me that I've gotta take a chance on myself. That means more and more to me each day.

You know, a basic truth about me is that I've always tried to do the right thing. Of course, the road to hell really is paved with good intentions but I've never been a malicious person. Even on my worst days, I still care. And when I think about that, I try not to martyr myself but I do sometimes look up to heaven and say, "Really God? Was that really necessary?"

I 'm losing the focus of this post. It's more so just an excerpt of my train of thought right now in coping with life and figuring out how to move forward. How to not avoid dating because I'm terrified of having a tough conversation. How to quit sabotaging myself at work because I'm afraid I might really succeed at my goal. How to avoid moving back home even though I feel like an awful daughter for not living closer to my parents. I worry about all these things. I fear failure, success, love and rejection. I fear wealth and poverty; racism and true integration. 

This is so unhealthy. I could go deeper. Explain the method to the madness of my purposely being average in order to avoid the pressures of greatness... I'm just too mentally exhausted for that. If I could find a place to rest, then I could take on the world and be amazing. I could do that because I'd know that at the end of a day's battle, Rest was waiting for me at home. But alas, Rest is not. It continues to evade me.

*random thoughts*

I am so incredibly bored at my job that I think I just might slam my head into my computer monitor.

I'm gonna let the song cry.

Sometimes, music is the best way to express yourself. Today is one of those days. So I'm gonna let this video do most of the talking for me. It's totally and completely what I'm feeling at this very moment. The only flaw is that, unlike Erykah's baggage, mine is some that I can't let go. Even worse, I can't shake the feeling that this particular bag is one that I shall have to carry alone. And well, unfortunately, I haven't found a song for that just yet...

Around and around we go...

I woke up this morning with my head in the clouds. Literally. Like, I don't know what's in this East Texas soil but whatever it's producing gives me the worst allergies EVER. I feel like my eyeballs are wearing sweaters and there are tiny ants running laps in my nose. But oh well. What else did I expect from a Monday? They always kinda suck.

On the bright side, I decided to squeeze every perk that I could out of my job and went ahead and booked a flight to D.C. Our national conference is coming up and I'm sharing a suite with some old friends. It will be good for me. Drinks, girl talk, abusing my employer's dollar...good times. One of these friends is once again recruiting me to come to Duke. If it were a year ago and the right price, I'd be there. Now, I'm feeling the need to settle and I just don't think NC is the place for me to do that...for various reasons. The mature person in me realizes that it's best to just stay put until I figure things out :-/. The kid in me says, "WHERE DO I SIGN?!?! BALLS TO THE WALLS, BITCHESSSS!"

Hmmm... This is all for today.

Happy Monday!

Why won't you let me be great?!

C'mon, He didn't really think he was Jesus...

Have you ever had something that just nagged at you? Like you're just about to break through that glass ceiling and then discrimination yanks down on your coattails?  Let me take it down a notch. Ever found the most bangin-est dress for the most bangin-est party ever only to realize you're missing one half of your most bangin-est pair of pumps? All you have left is some dusty mary janes and a rusty pair of penny loafers. Now your whole fit is fucked up. #SMH

I swear man, for me, I feel like it's always something. Lurking around my every corner, Mr. Screwyouover is stalking my every move. I just cooked a bomb ass dinner for my boo? I'm out of wine, It's Sunday, and the liquor store is closed and Walmart is hella far. Got that fresh do and that new fit (That's freshly done hair and a new outfit for my fair skinned friends (-: )? It's East Texas and ain't shit to do and nobody to see. #FAIL

It's September and that sexiness you call a crush suggests a spur-of-the-moment weekend road trip to Destin? It's the end of the month, your checking account is no longer recognizing values over $100 and you just used your credit car to buy a new set of tires. #FUUUCCCCCKKKKKK

Wait. I have more...

It's May. You're a 6th year senior. You've finished all your classes. You turned in your last paper. Some student worker mistakenly let you order your cap and gown. Mistakenly? Yeah, buddy. You have a humongASS hold on your account AND you're actually 2 credits shy. They're gonna let you walk but you feel like a douche because you have to come right back in July- because they don't offer the class you need in June. That job you got called back for? It has to be filled by the second week of June and you no longer qualify. #wouldyoulikefrieswiththat

And another.

You kiss a bunch of frogs and catch a few crabs only to finally find your prince out in the middle of the desert while volunteering for Teachers Without Borders. Catch? You find out at the family reunion that he's your 3rd cousin. #Ihopeyouatleastwrappeditup

My point? Sometimes Life is a hater. And right now, Life is hating on me hard. Just when I finally get it together too! I mean, I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and genuinely like what I see. My laughs are hearty. My love is sincere. I feel good. And of course, Life knew this was coming and decided to throw some shade that I feel like I'll never be able to shake. *deep sigh*

I know there is no perfect. I don't pray for a perfect life. I understand that we take the good with the bad. We accept our faults. We allow ourselves to be human. And most days, I'm good with this. But, today was one of those days where I woke up this morning, thought about my situation, and all I could say was, "Damn."

What are you waiting for???

I have three posts sitting in the queue right now. They consist of battle cries, lamentations, and conspiracy theories. But you know what? Just reading through them made me so completely tired. And I'm so tired of being tired. You would be tired too if you carried a chip the size of Montana on your shoulder. I've been screaming at life about how unfair and loathsome it is to no avail. It remains silent. Time keeps ticking. I keep aging. And then I remembered...life doesn't owe me anything. It's made no promises. It has no obligations. I'm just lucky to simply have it. Now that doesn't mean that I just accept it for what it is, be grateful for my lot, and just continue being mediocre. It just means that I have to recognize that my life is happening right NOW. This is it. Literally. This is what life is. I can seize every opportunity, fill each moment with productivity; or I can quit my job, go lay in a field, and dream the rest of it away. No matter what I do, it will be a choice. My choice. Yes, things will happen to me. But I will choose how to respond.

For example- I could get off of work this afternoon, go home, and pile up on my couch in front of the TV... watch The Daily Show, the Colbert Report, a couple episodes of Law & Order SVU and then snap back to life in order to continue sitting on the couch and watch Grey's Anatomy. Or, I can enjoy this near perfect weather and go take a walk and enjoy the breeze. After a nice long shower and a light dinner, Grey's Anatomy will be far more enjoyable...and so will my life.

Here's to the start of what I hope will be a long and wondrous adventure in enjoying my life.

XOXO

Talks with Jesus...

Lord,

All I ask is that you just give me the chance to learn that money is not the key to my happiness.  I mean, I can never truly understand rich people problems unless I become a rich person. And well, you did say that "in all your getting, get understanding." So, I think what I'm getting to is that it seems like it's in your will that I be rich. So, um, thanks in advance. My checking account will be waiting....

XOXO,
AG :)