Dear Boss...

1. Why did I have to wear a suit to an interview for a job in which you end up wearing little more than pants only a hair more formal than pajama bottoms and screen print tees "blouses" on the daily? If you'd like me to take your PhD more seriously, I suggest you invest in an iron. Linen and flannel are NOT the same thing.

2. If you think you don't get paid enough to do your job, why do you think I get paid enough to do mine? No suggestion here. Just something for you to ponder...

3. Why do you require me to be here from 8 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Friday? I only work between the hours of 10 AM and 2 PM, Tuesday through Thursday. I only make the sounds of work on Mondays (rustling papers, occasional deep sighs, dramatic and heavy footed trips to the copier, etc...) and on Fridays I don't even pretend. You and I both know all I do on Fridays is take personal calls on my work line and play Angry Birds on Google Chrome. Who's really winning here? I think it'd make more business sense and save you tons of overhead if you'd just let me come and go as I please. Since that's probably not going to happen, let me offer you many thanks for the countless electronic bill payments, completed job applications, updated Facebook profile pics, and free iTunes downloads made possible by the resources you've made available to me.

4. When you think I look bored, it's not because I don't have anything to do. It's because the work you've given me is boring. So, please stop giving me more work. It's only going to frustrate you later when you realize that even more work is not getting done.

5. Please stop randomly sneaking up behind me like a stealth bomber to ask me what I'm doing. Nine times out of ten, I'm not doing anything. Ironically, the times I decide to do some work are the times when you're not around. I've really got to do better with my timing, dammit. Using these um, facts, I think it's safe for you to assume that when you don't see me, I'm working; and when you do see me, I've just got finished working and am taking a break only to resume working once you have gone away. So actually, it seems the answer to you getting the most productivity out of me would be for you to just stay away from me.

6. I really appreciate the birthday lunches. But spending my one free hour and a half of the work day with you is not my idea of a present. How bout you just give me two free, no-excuse-necessary hours to go and roam free. This would keep me from insulting your intelligence with lies about how I've been in the downstairs hallway for the past 20 minutes discussing budgets with a faculty member. Win, win.

7. Please stop asking me for my ideas on how to improve the efficiency of the office when what you really want to know is if we're going to buy the metal paperclips this time, or the ones coated in neon plastic. I prefer the neon coated ones, btw.

8. Stop of accusing me of not paying attention in staff meetings. I am paying attention. Just not to you.

9. I don't want to lie to you. So instead of me having to send you that "I'm not well" email, can we just agree that mental health days are a totally legit excuse to use sick leave?

10. I don't care about what we do and you don't pay me enough to. You know this. Save yourself the irritation and just stop giving a shit and about it. And stay the hell away from me.