*deep sigh*

I'm coming...

It's Friday. I'm at work. Staring at GAP (giant ass pine tree). I'm wishing I was somewhere else... the Beach. At one point after wanting something for so long do you just go out and get it? How long do you weigh the pros and cons before you realize that the good totally makes all the bad worth it?

I've been struggling with Beach for so long now. Should I go? Should I stay? Will I need extra protection?

Beach is a volatile mecca of amazing. It's insane, unpredictable and fickle. You never know if you're going to walk into cool breezes and gentle waves or sweltering heat and a tsunami. It's burned me before ya know? The last time I saw it, it promised me a mellow afternoon alone with grainy goodness between my toes and a fruity cocktail in my hand. Instead, I got ratchet boom box music, crowded sand, and weird guys with visible butt cleavage offering me their last Bud Light. The time before that, it presented me an image of bright sun and warm waters. What I got was wind that wouldn't quit and water too cool to even stick my feet in.

Nevertheless, I still long for it. Even at it's worst, it brings out the best in me. I miss it. From childhood to as recent as the past couple of years, some of my fondest memories are anchored there. Inner tubes and floaties with the family, bikini pics and sandcastles with friends- I've even had one of those classic, heart wrenching strolls in the sand. And even though I don't see it very often, something inside of me tells me it's where I've always supposed to be. Something inside of me also tells me I should grow dreadlocks, smoke weed, and paint water color portraits on the side of the road for food...but I'm fighting this.

I'm going to do it. I've got a move coming up and I'm going to focus all my attention there. Some of my friends won't like this. My mother may not approve. But eventually they'll see how happy I am, the calmness that it brings me. Just thinking about it now is bringing a wash of serenity over me. I'm not sure about too many things right now but this is one daydream that just won't quit. The East Coast is calling me and I'm going to answer...very, very soon.

Happy Friday. Hope you're getting ready to go live the good life...or at least making plans to :).

Dear Boss...

1. Why did I have to wear a suit to an interview for a job in which you end up wearing little more than pants only a hair more formal than pajama bottoms and screen print tees "blouses" on the daily? If you'd like me to take your PhD more seriously, I suggest you invest in an iron. Linen and flannel are NOT the same thing.

2. If you think you don't get paid enough to do your job, why do you think I get paid enough to do mine? No suggestion here. Just something for you to ponder...

3. Why do you require me to be here from 8 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Friday? I only work between the hours of 10 AM and 2 PM, Tuesday through Thursday. I only make the sounds of work on Mondays (rustling papers, occasional deep sighs, dramatic and heavy footed trips to the copier, etc...) and on Fridays I don't even pretend. You and I both know all I do on Fridays is take personal calls on my work line and play Angry Birds on Google Chrome. Who's really winning here? I think it'd make more business sense and save you tons of overhead if you'd just let me come and go as I please. Since that's probably not going to happen, let me offer you many thanks for the countless electronic bill payments, completed job applications, updated Facebook profile pics, and free iTunes downloads made possible by the resources you've made available to me.

4. When you think I look bored, it's not because I don't have anything to do. It's because the work you've given me is boring. So, please stop giving me more work. It's only going to frustrate you later when you realize that even more work is not getting done.

5. Please stop randomly sneaking up behind me like a stealth bomber to ask me what I'm doing. Nine times out of ten, I'm not doing anything. Ironically, the times I decide to do some work are the times when you're not around. I've really got to do better with my timing, dammit. Using these um, facts, I think it's safe for you to assume that when you don't see me, I'm working; and when you do see me, I've just got finished working and am taking a break only to resume working once you have gone away. So actually, it seems the answer to you getting the most productivity out of me would be for you to just stay away from me.

6. I really appreciate the birthday lunches. But spending my one free hour and a half of the work day with you is not my idea of a present. How bout you just give me two free, no-excuse-necessary hours to go and roam free. This would keep me from insulting your intelligence with lies about how I've been in the downstairs hallway for the past 20 minutes discussing budgets with a faculty member. Win, win.

7. Please stop asking me for my ideas on how to improve the efficiency of the office when what you really want to know is if we're going to buy the metal paperclips this time, or the ones coated in neon plastic. I prefer the neon coated ones, btw.

8. Stop of accusing me of not paying attention in staff meetings. I am paying attention. Just not to you.

9. I don't want to lie to you. So instead of me having to send you that "I'm not well" email, can we just agree that mental health days are a totally legit excuse to use sick leave?

10. I don't care about what we do and you don't pay me enough to. You know this. Save yourself the irritation and just stop giving a shit and about it. And stay the hell away from me.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

*drops the mic*

...speaks for itself...

I've had to make some really tough decisions in my life. They were the kind that I dreaded making, the kind for which I ran every possible scenario through my head before making them. I prayed about them, sought counsel on them... I worried and stressed about these decisions and their consequences until everything that had to do with them had resolved itself or just simply blown ever.

On the other hand, I've had to make choices that took a split second to decide. Sure, I probably had to drink think my way through them. But the process wasn't nearly as long or painstaking as those mentioned above. As a matter of fact, the result of these decisions was downright liberation. I can't say that all these decisions could be considered the best thing that ever happened to me, but I can truly say that when it came time to make those choices, I didn't have any reservations or regrets. Below, I shall describe one of my most memorable moments.

Everyday I'm Hustlin...

Just another Tuesday on the grind...





I Brake for Love

I just erased an entire post on love. It was this epic, poetic ode to all that the incredible emotion brings to mind. Once I read it back to myself, I realized that I in no way did the topic justice. For the first time, I'm kinda speechless when it comes to this. So instead, I've decided to post Ray LaMontagne's Shelter, one of my favorite love songs- ever. It really is worth listening to, well at least I think so.

I have this thing I do where I listen to love songs and cry like there's no tomorrow and imagine that my boyfriend (I'm using the term boyfriend as just a generalization for significant other) is singing them to me or that he wrote the words about me. I know right...but I'm such a hopeless romantic, I can't help it. And yes, I have a boyfriend... ... ..... .................... .... ... Ok, so he's not exactly a real person physically, but he's stil totally real. I've been in love with him for as long as I even knew what love was. He's been there through every heartache and breakup, all the tough stuff, even the things I made myself forget. In the words of Ray LaMontagne, he shelters me. After tough days at work, I totally dive inside myself and find him there waiting for me. When I cry, he wraps me in a ball and shields me from the world. When I laugh, I peak through my squinted eyes to see him staring at me, just taking it all in like it's his air. When I'm wrong, he patiently and gently chides me. When I'm erratic and anxious, he makes me sit still and breath. When really bad things happen that break my spirit or confidence, he inhales my presence and tells me that not only I am I still beautiful, but most importantly that he still finds me beautiful. He's insightful enough to know that that small detail makes all the difference. His voice is a deep rumble that brings peace to my soul. Yep, I am totally and utterly smitten and one day I'll be able to return the favor and be to him what he has been to me. Whether he's a stranger I've yet to meet, or he's the guy sitting on the other end of my line right now, the moment we finally meet will be unforgettable. And by meet, I mean the moment I we both realize that the other is the one.

Yes, I believe in The One. I totally believe in soulmates. I used to try and downplay this. Some of the real boys I dated just thought I was silly or naive. Others pretended to believe as a tactic to get in my pants. I tried to play a cynic. I pretended to have a healthy balance of logic and emotion. I realize now that by doing that, I'd done a great disservice to myself. I don't really care about logic or rationales. I believe in making wise decisions and learning from your mistakes, but most importantly I believe in following my heart. Life is too short not to.This is not for everyone though. People are unique and are ruled by different powers. Some peopled are ruled by their minds, intellect. Some people are ruled by lust, whether it be of the eye or of the flesh. Me? I must agree with the Song of Solomon that says, "love is more powerful than death, passion fiercer than the grave..."

In the end, I'm expecting one of two outcomes for myself. Either I truly will live mostly happily ever after with the man created to fiercely love and be loved fiercely by me, or I will be institutionalized for a personality disorder.

Either way, I see myself being heavily medicated blissfully happy. And that is good enough for me. :)

The Happening...



Pretend those colorful figures in the background are dinosaurs with babies.

 Last night, DinoBFF and I talked about love, life, and...babies. Like a brick, she hit me with the news that she just might be pregnant. *insert pregnant pause*. This disturbed me on many levels. For one, I'm thinking- DUDE!!! You JUST got married! You guys don't even have cable yet but you're gonna have a baby?!. Then, I thought about the fact that a baby meant more co-planning of showers, sip-and-sees, and contrived conversations with her little dinosaur friends. I'm still recovering from our last gathering.

The Wedding

My best friend is a dinosaur. She got married last weekend. Since I'm pretty much the only human friend she has left, the tension between myself and her fellow Jurassic Park exhibits made for a pretty interesting weekend.

"Already, the show goes on all night..." Lupe

This is how I feel on the inside.

Even though I look like this on the outside. I swear if my boss calls my name just ONE MORE TIME!!!

And this my friends is how you know you have joy. Happiness is laying out on the beach finishing up my 3rd blueberry lemon drop martini and the last chapter of the lastest Sookie Stackhouse novel, all while soaking up the sun's warm caress and letting the cool sea breeze cover me in its salty spray.

Joy is staring at this damned pine tree outside my window for the 390th time and managing not to cry during daydreams of lounging on the beach with martinis, hot, semi-naked dominican men offering to check me for malignant moles and a kindle.

You see, joy is knowing that it is temporary. What IS temporary? IT is anything that makes you tired, causes you stress, brings you pain, or just plain gets on your nerves. Whenever life gets to be too much, just remember...you're going to die anyway.  Is that job too stressful? Feel like you're at the end of your rope? Well, fortunately for you, the economy sucks and the next step after furloughs are lay-offs. Do you ever get the feeling that God is not listening to you? Please refer back to my first point- you're going to die anyway. So, see? You'll get a chance to speak with him face to face! Aww, did someone break your heart? Look on the bright side, chances are that douche is going to lose their job and die. Yay! All's well that ends well, right? No?

Ok, so maybe I could've said that better...but my point remains. Life is temporary. Love is temporary. Pain is temporary. Humans were designed to build bridges and get over it. Sure, it's comforting to lick my wounds and wallow in my olympic sized pool of self-pity. But when I'm done, all I'm left with are burning, infected cuts and wet clothes. Where's the productivity in that?

OMG IF MY BOSS COMES IN HERE ONE MO GOTDA...%&$*(#!!!!!

Let me just get to the point. Peace and joy are independent of chance and cirmcumstances.  Happiness, sadness, any emotion- they happen to us. They are our natural response to life's stimuli.  Peace, joy and contentment are all states of being. You choose them. So even today, in the midst of wanting to murder ask my boss for a few moments alone to collect my thoughts, I choose to stay at peace. In the midst of going through none of yo damn business personal situations, I will keep my joy. And even while sending yet a 3rd salary request to a potential employer because they somehow seem to think I can survive in the city on the same salary I'm receiving in Naconowhere, TX, as that is just the nature of the beast, I will remain content because I know that my purpose really is just a hop, skip, and jump away. I want to go to Six Flags. I'm pretty sure Six Flags is supposed to be a hop, skip, and a jump away from anywhere right? Or is that Disney Land? Me no know.

To end on a positive note, my cousin posted something pretty profound today and I have to share it- "There are somethings you will never be prepared for, you just have to rest in the confidence that God is a keeper, protector, comforter, or whatever you need him to be. He is I AM and when things happen you are covered because God is with you."

FIN

...cause I just SWEAR if my boss asks me what I'm working on just ONE MO TIME!!!!!!!!!