See, what had happened was...

An accurate description- if you switch the position of the bride and groom...

So..... I'm back. I was wisely advised by several of you, based on your knowledge of my situation, that I should never have left in the first place. Well...whatever.

Anyway, let me just go ahead and hit you with the brick that will be this post.

1. I called off my engagement...a month and a half ago.
2. I KNEW I was going to end it THREE months ago.  Are you doing the math?
3. I sadly and reluctantly left Texas...indefinitely...without a job...for reasons that I'm not yet comfortable disclosing here.
4. I knew much of this would happen even as I was announcing the engagement to you. Don't be mad at me!

Very, very bad things happened in my relationship. I could give a month long workshop on the madness that had been my life for the past month to educate and help some of you, but I'd like to think you all would be smarter than me if you had been in my situation. I'd always thought that I would have been smarter in my situation. I will say this though- while I will contribute much of the awful things my ex did to me to his own insecurities, I will also admit that I actively allowed much of it to happen due to my own insecurities in thinking that the lack of commitment from my previous partners was my fault. It wasn't. The one thing my ex did right was recognizing the awesome and devoted woman that I am. Unfortunately, he recognized it so much so that his love and security turned into violent obsession and paranoia. *shudders*

I'm finally writing about this, for one, because I am just now ABLE to write about it. Also, I absolutely abhor journaling but confession is so very good for the soul.

I took and am continuing to take away many lessons from this experience.

Family and God-sent friends are priceless! My God is so amazing. Through all that I went through, never did he leave or forsake me. When my family couldn't reach me, protect me, be with me, he placed a carefully assigned friend in their stead. In the middle of experiencing what real love wasn't, I found out exactly was true love is. It's not getting along all the time. It's not agreeing on everything. It's not about meaningless words and constant reassurance. It's all the other stuff. It's what remains while you're busy yapping about crap that doesn't matter. It's about waking up at 4 a.m. to meet someone you haven't talked to in a week at the hospital because you know they need you. It's about wanting what's best for someone even when you're mad at them. It's the knowing that they would do the same for you. It's recognizing that you'd rather not have a life that doesn't have this person in it. You know you could do it, but you'd just rather not.

As I'm writing this, I'm crying. As I emerge out of the bitterness and anger that temporarily enveloped me through my whole ordeal, I am realizing the importance of expression and communication. I lost a really good friend this past week (not the ex-fiance). Actually, he was one of, if not my best friend. Over the past 8 years, we developed and engaged in a very muddied and complicated companionship. Often the necessary words were left unsaid,or said to late. While actions mean more than words, words are still important. Without them, false assumptions evolve into unchangeable realities. And eventually, after several misunderstandings, unexpressed hurt feelings, and heartaches later, relationships end.

I don't know if I will ever get this friend back, but this is a worthy heartbreak- the pain of which I am willing to bear.I will not despise not one tear that I shed for him nor will I hate our mutual realization of the many mistakes we made in mishandling our friendship. We powered through like champs though. Unfortunately, we began at a time when we were too young to truly understand the powerful dynamics between a man and a woman who genuinely love each other in a way not directly addressed by society, our parents, or even in the movies. We had no example of what we were supposed to be, no model to follow... so we constantly found ourselves forcing our way into boxes in which we didn't fit.

I have no way of knowing if our friendship was meant to survive. Maybe it would have been forced to dissolve in the face of us finding our true significant others. Maybe it would have blossomed, transforming and adjusting to each phase of our life. What I do know though is that the past 8 years could have been so much more precious if we had simply been more willing and able to express ourselves.

I can't change that situation at this point, but I can change myself. From this point on, I will not allow fear to control me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing your love for someone. They can reject it. They may not even respond. But at the end of the day, I'd rather you know that I loved you and not care than for you to be left wondering...

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night....

So, this will be my last post to this blog. While this experience has been therapeutic, I think something became lost for me over time. While growing up is hard, actually being grown is even harder. And that is where my next blog will start and continue. I will let you all know personally the address to my new blog home, but in the meantime, I just want to say thanks. Thanks for comments. Thanks for lurking. Thanks for the occasional "where are ya?" email. Thanks :-)

XOXO

Thank you :-)

...just for me :-)

Sooo, I've been absent...but for good reason- I'm engaged!!! *cheer, shout, jump for jump* And, I still can't believe it. My relationship with my boyfrie FIANCE is so incredibly unexpected and random that it's quite obvious to us both that God was orchestrating this from the start. Anyways, I honestly didn't come on here to post about my engagement- as wonderful as it is- but rather just to make a public declaration of thanks to Jesus. Trying to plan a wedding in less than 6 months (no, I'm not pregnant) has been a bit stressful to say the least, not to mention that life is still happening, my job still sucks, and bills are still due. But regardless of all that, I realize that in this very moment, my life is perfect. At this very moment I am happy, healthy, and those that I love are well. If I never see tomorrow, I can say with all conviction that God has been sooooooo good to me!!!

Happy Tuesday!

I'm not complaining, but...

Today has really been one of those days... so much so that I had to go home and pop half a Xanax just to keep my head from exploding. It all started with the March of the Drones. That is the name I've given to that miserable walk between the parking garage and my office. I already knew it was going to be some kind of a day. I was about 21 minutes late and due to the food baby I'm carrying, my pants didn't exactly fit and my butt looked extra big. Normally I'd love that, but today I just felt like I was lugging around one of those ghetto booties- just big for no reason. *deep sigh* **I digress**

Anyway, I made the fortunate mistake of watching some TED video about how schools kills creativity. It displayed in the most brilliant animated way how formal education strips us of every ounce of creative juice in our being that makes us unique. By the time we are old enough to realize and embark on our dreams, most of us have already been reduced to mere scantron sheets in human clothing. And when that happens, if you're lucky, you end up in an office with a beautiful view pushing papers with important to someone other than yourself information that you are responsible for processing/collating/transferring to file 13 so that the machine continues to operate smoothly and the rich SOBs controlling them get to buy their little brats that totally necessary jet ski for their 13 birthday...

I've lost where I was going with this rant but you get the picture.

Happy Thursday.

Ohsh*teffingmonkeyballs! It's only Wednesday.

:-(

Noooo, I don't really wanna get high...

Hey, let's get away...

...on weed, anyway. I wouldn't mind  getting high on life though. It's that time of year again when I get super antsy. And my view of  GAP doesn't help. It's beautiful outside and I'm stuck in here pretending to work while the man pretends along with me...all for what?! I'd be so much more productive and cost effective if they let me come to work from noon to, I dunno, say 3 p.m.?  For the most part, 3 hours is all I need to accomplish my to-do-list anyway.

I don't even know why I waste my poor fingers' energy on these kinds of posts. I think I'll just do what  I do best and go back to daydreaming of being somewhere else while going through the motions of being here.

Oh well, Happy Almost-Friday!!!

Sporadic thought of the day...

Man, I wish I could get high right now. No, I've never been high, but I swear everyone that has makes it sound so good.

Clearly, it can't be that bad...

Conversation overhead between my BF and his boss:
Boss: Man, you burn? I used to stay burning back in the day...
BF: *almost chokes on coke* Um, nah brother. That's against company policy...
Boss: *side eye and blank stare*
BF: I mean, yeah though...back in the day.
*silence*
*BF sweating bullets*
Boss: LOL!!! That's what I'm talking about brother! What I wouldn't give to be back in the day. *stares into space*
Me: ...WOW, seriously?? *thinking to myself- dammit, where was I when everyone was getting high?!"

Happy Wednesday. If you work a 9 8 to 5 like me, than I certainly hope you're not getting high right now. However, if you're one of the lucky ones spending your 40 hours doing something that doesn't suck the life out of you, I hope you realize that that in itself is all the high you need.

I drank the Kool-Aid...

So I finally discovered Yoga. It. Is. Everything. those creepy hipster, vegans tell you it is. My first visit was a couple weeks ago. I was terribly stressed, at my wits end, and because of poor diet and lack of motion, I was looking more and more like I was carrying an unborn child. Suddenly I thought of my old granola munching roomie, how peaceful she always seemed to be with life, and immediately pulled up the schedule of the yoga studio she use to attend. It was just my luck that they offer a free class on Friday- I was in there!

After a brief adventure in squeezing into spandex and a few awkward introductions, I found myself resting on a borrowed mat in a warm, open space downtown. A few moments later, Tomb Raider sauntered in from a hidden place in the front of the studio and set up shop in the back. Right. Beside. Me. I hated her. I hated her genuinely sweet smile, painted on yoga clothes, and the way her thighs didn't touch. I'm convinced she's an alien. I knew instantly who she was, though. She's like the yoga instructor of all yoga instructors. Fortunately for me, she wasn't leading this particular class. Instead we had some new chick who butchered the instructions. That was fine by me though because I'm pretty sure I matched her in butchering the moves. Nonetheless, an hour later after much grunting, wheezing, and praying, I found myself lying on a communal mat, hot, sweaty, maybe a bit stinky and feeling more at peace than I can ever remember feeling before.

*deep sigh*

It was a truly amazing experience. I left with a new found lightness and a desire to eat hummus and smoke weed. One Popeye's 3-wing combo later and I was over the munchies BUT I still held onto the desire for that constant peace. I may not know why the caged birds sing, but I do know why liberal white people do yoga.

Anyway, there will be lots more to come on my adventures in yoga. I'm also back on the track- the boy is even going with me. I'm determined to get my mind, body, and spirit in order and I'm finally at a place where I'm truly willing to take actions in making it happen.

Happy Monday!!!

XOXO