Already one of those days...

And it's only Wednesday...

I know I've matured somewhat because I'm not crying right now.  That doesn't mean I'm not dangerously close to it though.  It's only 10:40 on a Wednesday and I'm already wishing desperately for Christmas break. Or another job...

I've been telling Jesus about my troubles, but I still feel pretty lousy.  Work is...super crazy right now.  I feel abandoned by my team- the downside from working in a building different from your boss.  I kind of feel stuck on an island that's sinking and I have no one to ask for help.  And really, I just want some external comfort about it all.  Unfortunately I don't have the particular comfort I desire.  My best friend is married, so I lean on her far less than I used to. It's just different now.  And I get tired of always running to my parents for things.  While I get that they probably do understand what I'm feeling, many times it's just really hard to relate.  My guy bestie, well I don't really lean on him for the everyday stressors.  If something major is going on, I break down and call him. But mostly we use each other nonsensical chatter, and movie/dinner dates.  I don't trust any of my co-workers enough to vent to them.  And honestly, I think I've made a bad habit of getting too close to co-workers anyway.  There really should be a separation.

What I need is a "help meet". That's what the Bible calls it anyway- I interpret that as a "help me to meet my needs" partner.  I realize now that God made partnerships not simply for us to just enjoy them and have naked playtime, but mainly because you will need someone to help you get through this life.  You will need someone who you can text in the middle of the night about a bad dream.  You will need someone who you can run to the parking lot and give a quick call because you've had bad experience at work.  Girls will need a guy to come kill a really big, creepy- looking bug.  Guys will need a girl to make them soup and do their laundry when they're sick.  The loving and affection is an amazing byproduct but OMG, all that other stuff is priceless.

I need a partner.  Something really just...stupid happened at work today and I just need to vent about it. Or be comforted.  Really all I need is a, "You know what, I feel you. I've had one of those moments. Don't take it personally. And didn't you say they told you that woman hates everyone? So what are you worried about? You never even have to see her.  Take a deep breath.  Welcome back to the workforce, lol." I need those words to come from someone who has me in their list of top 5 priorities. I need that from someone who thinks about me as much as I think about them.  Are you listening, God? It's getting real lonely around these parts and I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. Help.

XOXO from your darling daughter down here on earth...just trying to do her job...they way you want me to...trying to push ego aside...trying to learn as much as I can while still garnering the respect of my peers...it's hard.

This is hard. Growing up is hard.  When will I stop growing and just be grown?

Recognition is the first step...

...bitch.

I am so jealous of talented people. Like, EXTREMELY jealous- singers, especially.  I think I'm so jealous of singers because I love music so very much and singing is one of the few things that you can't learn. Sure, you can take vocal lessons, but you either have IT or you don't. I don't have IT. I can sing, but my voice is not remarkable and it's very weak.  After a strong first verse, I'm straining. But, if there was ever a competition for singing in the shower, I'd win.

But anyway... So naturally, I hate Beyonce. If she was much older than me, my jealousy would take the form of extreme admiration. But since we are more or less the same age, I hate her. Passionately. She's gorgeous. She can sing. She can dance.  She's not the brightest crayon in the box and she can't act. But when she's in her lane, she's genius.  She doesn't need the rest. And she's married to the hottest and richest, ugly rapper in life. Annndddd now she's birthed the second coming of Beysus! What?! #winning.

Whitney? That's my auntie.  Toni and Tamia? They're my second cousins.  Ella is my great grandma and Adele? Well, Adele is my bestie in my head.

I do recognize though that what these people have in common with each other and not me, besides natural ability, is an incredible work ethic.  They work extremely hard to be who they are.  There are kids on a school bus somewhere right now belting out the theme song from Lean On Me.  What surely is an Grammy worthy performance will likely never be heard by anyone other than the other kids on that bus, or in their neighborhood as they continue to sing walking down the street.

I have never had to work hard for anything.  If that doesn't change, it will be the reason why I'll never be great.  I've never had to be great.  I've always gotten by on perceived excellence. It's a gift and a curse.  I'm naturally intelligent.  I have a natural ability to retain knowledge and comprehend. But I've never worked those abilities.  It's like muscles. We all have the ability to have some level of definition, ripped abs and a sexy back.  But most of us will never have that definition because we won't work the muscles hard enough to see results.  We envy those who do, but clearly not enough to put in the same level work to achieve the same level of results. And still, like I mentioned earlier, we each have unique natural abilities. So knowing that some people take to playing piano much easier than others can really deter the poor kid struggling to learn her scales.  Life still has a way of balancing out the playing field though. If that kid with the long graceful fingers isn't careful, if they are lazy with their ability, they will learn the hard way that a perfected craft beats out raw talent every time.

My point? My point is that I recognize I'm lazy.  Where as I'd love for some young girl to one day name me in her list of stars, I know that it may never happen simply because I didn't put in the work.  I don't like to work hard. Never had to.  I've been able to give the minimum, even up until this very moment, and still come out on top of my peers.  I know it must secretly infuriate those that know me well.  I don't understand it but I know I get it from dad.  He had to have been cats in all his lives because he literally has a million lives.  I call it the favor of God on our lives. But I know that God could remove His hand from me at any time. And then, where would I be? At some point I have to meet Him halfway, right?  I do want to excel at something, anything...  I suppose it's time to grow up and put in the work before the novelty of all that is me fades.

So, my plan is to launch a three-fold attack on myself- mind, body, and soul.  I've lost and kept off 8 whole pounds in three months all from just eating better.  Determined to not just settle for well enough when it comes to my body and the way it looks, I went for a run last night. And I'm going Wednesday, and Friday.  I want to tone and define my body and that's going to take work.  Probably not as much as it does for others, but still, more work than I'd like to do.  I got lots of cat calls from the college guys as I jogged by in tights.  The run taught me two things- 1) my butt looks good. 2) I've got too much pride to let a bunch of young guys see me huff and puff- I ran like a beast in front of those kids.  Definitely motivation...

I've set other small goals for myself as well.  More Bible reading for my soul; yoga,meditation, and more reading for my mind; exercise and more balanced meals for my body.  I want to live an excellent life.  I don't know how long I'm here for, but I know I've wasted too much time being mediocre.  I mean, if I can be this well off doing the basics, imagine what could happen with even a little or a LOT of effort!

Happy Tuesday XOXO

Another one bites the dust...

Another one of my friends is getting married!!! WooHoo!!! I am super excited! Right now, I'm standing on the bridge of 27 looking over at 30- so even though I'm unattached at the moment, I am constantly and consistently in love! So what if the objection of my affection is just an idea? It's still better than nothing and one day, I know for sure that that idea will manifest into what will certainly be the most fantastic love of my life. And I can't wait! Weddings excite me! they make me cry, they make me think, they make me pray extra hard for my own knight in shining loafers to scoop me up and ride me off to the nearest Chipotle for some yummy guacamole! *mmmmmm*  I bubble over with glee just thinking about it.

I can't wait for the day I meet the person that is willing to put up with me, and who also appreciates how I put up with them in return. But let me be clear, it's the companionship that I crave.  Having gone through many of the motions of planning my own former wedding, I can honestly say that I got little pleasure from pouring through decorations, dresses, and bouquets... *deep sigh*. I was so wishing that I could just pay someone to do it ALL for me. The only thing I thoroughly enjoyed throughout the whole ordeal was planning the beach-side barbecue reception. Yep, I wanted barbecue and mason jars filled with sweet tea and lemonade. *country beach bum chic til the day I die*  And since that idea was mine and mine alone, I plan on pitching that to my next and last fiance.

He's coming, I can feel it in my bones. He's going to see me, and think hmmm, she's pretty cute. We'll chat face-to-face for a bit. I'll smile and make eye-contact. He'll pretend to listen while scrutinizing my face. He'll think my baby teeth are hilariously cute and that my eyes are, well, kinda amazing. Once he's made up in his mind that he finds me quite pretty, even beautiful, he'll actually start listening to the words that come out of my mouth. He'll realize that I'm smart but incredibly ridiculous. He'll quickly gather that there are double meanings to everything I say but understand that both meanings are purposeful. He'll want to run but realize that he can't. He'll think I'm crazy but I'm his kind of crazy. It will hit him, SHE'S THE ONE... HOLY CRAP! THERE'S A "ONE"!!!

After a sufficient time of misadventures in dating, he'll decide that he'd much rather have a life with me than without and that it's imperative that we go jump a broom, ASAP. I will gladly agree, and 30 years and 2.5 kids later, He'll sit back and watch the game while I kiss his balding head and rub his old shoulders while sweetly whispering in his ears about the new must-have marble counter tops I recently spotted at Lowe's. He'll agree to have them installed as long as I agree to go fix him a drink and quietly watch the remainder of the game with him.  I'll happily comply.

Ahh, that is my idea of the sweet life :-)

Happy Friday and even happier weekend!!! XOXO

...That's That ISH I Don't Like!

This morning, I got a concerned call from one of my girlfriends. This guy she has been dating stopped by to see her on his off day. Sweet, right? NO! Why? Because dude dropped by her house this morning without even calling first to get permission. And she had to go to work! This ain't undergrad! We not just sleeping late in a dorm on a random Wednesday! Fool! *deep sigh* *woosah*

No sir and no ma'am. You no do that!!! That is all kinds of wrong and breaking down the passive aggressive psychology of that deserves a post all its own.  But instead of going there, I'm just going to use this time to discuss that and some of the other SHIT I DON'T LIKE!

1. Coming over unannounced- As I stated above, NO SIR and NO MA'AM! OutKast said it best, "I call before I come, I won't just pop over out the blue...I hope you do too." It's a respect issue, people. Just plain and simple. When someone does that to you, please understand that that person is not sweet. That person has boundary issues that will come back and kick you in your ass. That person is telling you in the nicest, mildest way they know how that what's good and comfortable for them will always trump what's good and comfortable for you.

2. Asking for a key to an apartment/house for which you don't pay rent- Unless you are my bestfriend and I need you to watch my place while I'm gone (in which case, I'll be retrieving my key when I get back), or you are my mama (and daddy I guess) or my child, you  BET NOT ASK ME FOR NO DAMN KEY AND YOU SURE AS HELL BET NOT GO AND MAKE ONE ON YOUR OWN! True story. That is some shit I just really don't like and trust, that will be the end of me and whoever dares to try it.

3. People talking thisclosetomyface- Please back up and give me 50 feet. Or least 50 centimeters.

4. *Being the only speck of cayenne pepper in a sea of salt- At some point, Jesus is going to have to explain to me why He continues to bestow upon me the task of being the token black everywhere I go.

5. When people other than my boss walk behind my desk uninvited.  That's that shit I don't like.  Whether I'm writing secret code for highly confidential report, paying a bill, blogging about hating work, or checking out the latest fashion trends on people.com, you don't need to see what the hell is on my screen unless I ask you too. You also don't need to know whether or not my pants shoes are on or where I hide my secret stash of **negro-snacks. I'm grown. Get back.

That's all for now. Your task for today? Openly express that shit you don't like!

XOXO

*I didn't realize how racist MS was until living somewhere else and coming back. 

**negro-snacks- the Salt and Vinegar Lays and Little Debbie cakes you hide inside a drawer or under your desk, instead of setting out with the wack ass peppermints and jellybeans, because you really don't want to share them with your greedy ass co-workers because not only will they eat them all up but they WON'T replenish them because your non-negro co-workers won't know where to find them in the grocery store...not that they would even try to look in the first place.

Homecoming, HomeGOING...

Death to Smoochie.

In case you're lame and didn't know, this past weekend was Homecoming at the best freakin' school in the best freakin' conference in the NATION!. Only half of the last part of that statement is technically true. The last half. For the sake of my safety, If you don't know, you better ask somebody who I'm talking about!

Anyway, a totally unnecessary "business trip" to the coast led me into this fabulous weekend. It doesn't get much better than drinks on the beach- literally, followed by drinks at the bar...in a casino... Aside from the excessive carding, I'd call that trip a win. I got to see an old friend, a new friend (I haven't seen in a year), and a friend I can't quite classify. Immediately after getting back midday Friday, I prepared for a night of fun with friends who were not yet quite my friends. THIS was a big deal, you guys. I don't like new people. I prefer my old, worn, comfy jeans to the brand new stiffies. But, I did it. I went out with new people- new GIRLS to be exact. And, it wasn't horrible. Dare I say, I liked it??? Anyway, enter Saturday and I'm running on E. I'm extremely tired and sleep escapes me but I have tons to do and people to see. Now to be honest, as I sit here typing this morning, the remainder of the weekend is a blur. All I really remember is that it was pretty awesome.

Oh, I did I mention I got my friend back? You know the one that I dedicated several Adele themed lamentations to? Yep, him. In a reunion that was as lackluster as our parting was dramatic, we decided that it was just kinda dumb to not be friends. And then we got dinner and saw a crappy movie. #WINNING. Our relationship is different now, but it is as it should be. Getting all the clutter out on the table seemed to shift us to place that is much more clear and defined. There's no more...murkiness. We are friends...family. And I like it.

But ok, let's get to the point. Aside from the fun I had, I'm more concerned with the "fun" I didn't have and how I feel about it all.  Typically, for me anyway, the nostalgia that comes with seeing old, friendly faces leads to drunken escapades, irretrievable texts, "OMG did I just do that in front of my boss?!" moments unforgivable conversations, morning after pills and just overall *ratchetness.  Today, I can say with pride that I did none of these this time around. I had drinks, but I held it together. I had conversations, all with a clear head. I sent texts that were carefully thought out. I didn't do anything embarrassing in front of anyone with access to my paycheck. And somehow, I managed to keep myself out of Plan B's way. Okay, I didn't completely escape my vices. I did car-dance uncontrollably to "Bands a Make Her Dance" every. single. time. it. came. on. Ratchetness- 1, Ashley- 0.

So yeah, there were some things I didn't do, words I didn't say, and people I didn't see. And this morning, looking back over it all, I know I made the right decisions.  There is not that lingering remorse or regret.  I'm not wondering why he didn't call, or hoping that she heard what I meant instead of what I said.

So. RIP to the weekend of bad decisions. Whether caused by intoxication of liquor, or intoxication of emotion, I managed to bypass my usual morning after depression.  Am I getting older? Have I finally gone through enough horror to give pause? Is it a combination of both?  Whatever it is, I'm glad it's happening. I'm glad that for a change I didn't just give over into the moment but I stopped to devote a couple seconds to the consequences. Life is not perfect. It's only Monday. But so far, I'm already experiencing a bit less drama and a bit less heartache. :-)

XOXO

*ratchetness- an extreme mix of ignorance and ghetto. 

Quotables

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one." ~Elbert Hubbard

"Love is patient, love is kind..."

"...It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13:4-7.

Sometimes I try to craft to craft my words in such a way... Today my eloquence begins and ends with the scripture above. As I've previously shared, this past year I found myself in an extremely volatile, sometimes physical, and emotionally abusive relationship. Because of what clearly had to be low self esteem, and my failure to enforce my personal boundaries, I found myself held hostage by my own life, in my own home, by my own hand. For lack of better words, it was horrible. And while I thought it was all finally over, this past week my ex has reappeared with a vengeance.  Some days it is all JUST. TOO. MUCH. But as angry as I with him, as much as I don't understand how he can't just simply leave me alone, as much as I just wish he would fall off the face of the earth, I am more angry at myself.  I look at my life and am so disappointed in me. Like most victims of some sort of harassment or abuse, there are intense moments where you feel like you brought it all on yourself.  I always thought I was too smart to ignore the warning signs, too discerning to not spot crazy...too strong to be so weak. I curl up into a ball at night and cry because I feel the weight of the world on me. I know that my Jesus has walked with me and given me strength but more than anything, I need for Him to hold me tight in physical arms and wipe my tears with an earthly hand.  I want to run but I'm tired of running. And maturity taught me that there is no escape.  I hesitate to tell people that I am truly scared and feel threatened.  I pray that my story doesn't end like all the others that people ignored until it was too late.

I feel trapped. I feel abused. I feel helpless. I feel pathetic. And I suppose that that is what he has wanted all along. If I wouldn't be happy with him, then I shouldn't be happy at all, right?

I am stronger than this, but I am fragile. I am smarter than this, but I am naive. I will never give up on love, but I am heartbroken.

My mother told me I must pray for him. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But if praying for him will save me, I will do it.

I will overcome this because my life depends on it. I will maintain my joy because my peace depends on it. And I will love like I've never loved before because my soul depends on it.

That's all for today. I just needed to take a moment to breathe.  Before I sign out, I do have to ask a favor. Please, please, please don't let my story ever be yours in any way shape or form. Life is short, but it's way too long to suffer. You are in control of your life. We can only blame others for what they do to us for so long before we must admit that much of that blame should fall to ourselves.

XOXO