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| It only gets worse kid...it only gets worse. |
I swear that girl writes the songs that
*le sigh*
Anyway, I'm about to go in a different direction than initially intended. But...so what has just hit me- painfully, might I add- is that the above snippet of my life possibly never had to be. As I think back to that night that we said goodbye, I realize that there was so much- or rather just a few seemingly small things we could have done to save a nearly decade long friendship. But since he has no voice here, I will only speak for myself and list my "shoulda couldas."
1. Been the woman.
Unfortunately, I've come to pride myself on my "reverse m&m-like" abilities. Though, like most women, I once had a sweet but thin, hard exterior filled with warm, lady-like goodness, I now appear soft to the touch but am incredibly hard- gobstopper hard- on the inside. And this has become a problem to say the least. So what's that got to do with price of sun tan lotion in Budapest? Well, there is a reason God created both male and female and placed them together. In the most basic and practical sense, they were supposed to balance each other out. Where one was weak, the other was made to be strong. Like two bulls in a fight, no one wins. One dies and the other is scarred for life. That is what happens when I fight like a man when it comes to love. And this applies even and especially in the most unromantic of relationships. He had given as much as he could without completely letting go of his manhood. He let me know that he no longer had the answers. He expressed that he didn't want the end that seemed to be inevitable. He showed me his vulnerability. He revealed to me what he knew I knew was his pain. I saw all this and instead of responding in the way he absolutely and unquestionably needed me to, I walked away. I stiffened my back, locked my jaw, and turned my head away, unwilling to show him tears. And I walked away.
This is where I failed. Mistakes are unavoidable. They are to be expected and you should forgive yourself for them. Mistakes in and of themselves are not failures. But to do what I did, to let hurt and pain change your character...change the very essence of you. That is more than failure. It's criminal.
If only I had put down my purse. If only I had been the woman that he needed, the woman that he thought he was looking at in that moment, and simply taken his hands in mine. If only I had kissed his cheek and embraced him. But I didn't. I didn't even touch him that entire night. I didn't hug him when I entered and I barely looked at him when I left. I just walked away. I relinquished what was my true power as a woman, the ability to soften almost any blow, and I just walked away. I think out of all that we went through, every mistake he or I made towards one another, leaving without a proper goodbye is and shall always be one of my greatest regrets.
There are more shoulda couldas. But this is as much as I can bear for now.
While I'll be spending the rest of my workday in a hazy daze, I do hope you will thoroughly enjoy yours. And please do remember to use your innate power as the individual you were created to balance out your relationships with those you love the most. You don't have to love the same but you must love EQUALLY. Someone will get that in the morning :-)
XOXO
